mema

i'm so lucky to have a grandmother like mine

and a lot of people, if they were in my position,

they wouldn't understand.

and it wasn't until recently that i did.

my whole life my grandmother was obsessed with gardening and porcelain dolls, and painting.

she didn't talk much of her dead husband.

but my MEMA she's a survivor.

she lived through 12 years of colon cancer, she got bit by a snake, she shot herself in the leg on accident, and she worked on a cattle farm, she decorated cakes, she made porcelain dolls in hot kilns, she was an oil painter.

she was a very talented artist.

she put 3 kids through school two of which weren't her own,
and my grandmother stopped school in 8th grade.

but she was smart.

not in a book smart kind of way, but in this witty, snappy old people kind of way that's hard to find now a days.

she has no idea there is such a thing as the titanic movie, she doesn't know what star wars is, and she probably doesn't even know who the current president is.

she has dementia, but that's not the reason she doesn't know that stuff.

she just never even cared about any of that.

she always just was gardening and reading farmer's almanacs, and raising cattle, and she was VERY self conscious and all the attention had to be on her.

she was very nasty at times.

one time i was very angry with her and i cussed her out and she called me a goat.

i laugh about it now but boy no one has ever called me a goat.

now she can't eat by herself and she's not the strong free thinking woman she once was.

she's a shadow of a person.

i'm one of the few people she recognizes, and sometimes she even forgets who my dad is.

it's weird who you remember.

i think she remembers who i am because i never really gave her my attention.

i was always interested in video games, my computer, my cell phone, boys, any number of things, and i just always was interested in her from the back ground.

she smothered me with attention and not in a good way.

i feel bad about sometimes she guilt tripped me into caring, i guess that's where i got that skill from. ha, we are both very good at manipulating people to do what we want.

we have a lot in common even though we aren't related.

she has schitzofrenia too (undiagnosed)

she HATES music and animals

so no not that

she just loved to be outside

she killed snakes and raccoons and puppies and all sorts of animals.

i could never do that.

but we both insult people by accident.

and we both become obsessed with things.

and we both are very stubborn.

and we both have difficulty processing change.

and i'm going to have a difficult time processing her death.

i haven't decided whether i'm going to the funeral or not.

i know there are things i would like to say, things that need to be said.

things only i can say.

but if my whole family comes down again, i just don't know if i can do that.

they will have to transport her body across the state.

that will be really emotional for me.

i'm just glad she's dying at the right time.

she's going to decide when it's time.