Thursday, August 4, 2016

rings ring a ding ding

yes, i'm wearing it.

i don't know why.

i have no reason.

i don't know why.

you can ask me why a million times, why z, why a ring, why?

and the answer will probably always be idk until we move forward somehow.

i haven't felt us move forward at all.

and i'm alone.

and i'm sad and angry.

and i'm blaming you.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

congratulations

you seem to have finally accepted yourself as you are.
now the question is, if you love yourself as you are, is there anything you want to improve?
you can't be perfect here and now. i hope you have accepted that and it seems you have.

i just hope you relax and enjoy the ride that you are on.
just know i'm not relaxed, i'm not enjoying this, and i'm quite upset.

you remind me of the one that raped me.
i didn't love him.

i just need to talk to you and know it's you..
you have had the chance to confront me.
and i have not gotten the opportunity to have an honest discussion with you.
have i not earned that by now?
if i have not, in your honest opinion, then please have mercy on me and give it to me.

a long conversation. on my terms.
what's the point of living if you only do what you want?

i know that i don't please others often, i honestly cannot in my opinion.
i don't know how to comprimise.

i'm guilty of everything.
but i'm at peace with myself because i love myself with all my flaws.
God's love for me amazes me.

I know you watch.
I don't know why you do what you do, but I know you do.
I have no evidence, I have no reasoning.
I JUST KNOW.
maybe that's not logical enough for you, but if it is true then maybe there's something about me that you can't comprehend of understand until you open the door.

God loves you too you know. He loves every individual. individually.

It's time for you to confront the fact that we met. And we can't unmeet.
And no matter how painful it is for you to hear my honest opinion.
It's better for you to know than not know, and that might be the reason that you watch.

And I watch.
I don't always know why.
I'm crazy, don't trust me.

Why take my ideas if you didn't want to give me anything back.

i'm sorry to admit I think more highly of you than you think you deserve.

I know you are self-conscious and I have even made it worse for you.

But you will never grow until you learn to ignore things that are irrelevant to you and back away from a fight.

I am not trying to fight with you.

You aren't trying to fight with me.

No.
No.

See what's going on inside my head is disturbing to me.

And I want you to help me fix it.

I beg of you please help me.

I'm desperate.

No one understands or gives me the time of day.

Why should you?

Because you can't leave me alone.

And you owe me.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

la poemes

blue and orange are colors you see
white and black are opposites of me

the grey is what i am today
and yesterday, before and then,
her and there and old big ben,

i see the clock has striked at noon
but i've got a secret, well not a secret you baboon
time's not moving, space is you know
got a question, free throw?

keep on running i'll catch up
mowgli, tarzan, a little chipped teacup
don't belong here a little "sup"
be our guest they say, whatever down isn't shut up
i've got a dog that'll make you be like oh "PUP"?

keep on writing lines, the more the better
the latter encourages me, no matter what the weather
i'll stay up all night if i have to adding lines to matter
i can't take it make it break it whatever
i don't understand a thing i really don't i'm just a brother
a sister an aunt a child and a visitor

this world is not my own
it's a borrowed space place sewn
stitched together almost seemlessly seemingly strewn
white as bone
cold as an empty abandoned home
where lovers used to live but they fought and one left and the other moved and none is shown
what to do where to go who to be what do i know?

Saturday, April 16, 2016

zachary, my dream

we were married, you had just designed, produced, and directed and written a stage production and it was also filmed.
i was there at the premiere

it was quite nc17

there were a lot of naked women

it was in new york

i was so proud of you and we went to a party together

we had one glass of champagne each

it was nice until this blonde girl went to the bar and you were checking her out

i gave you the nod

and you put your finger up her dress and then you looked in to her eyes and you licked it and then you walked back over to me and said, "sorry." with a puppy dog smile.

we were then in this trippy apartment

there was a whole wall with  a picture of marylin manson and bunk beds

and it was on a hill in a forest

and it was a really new age place everything dark wood and deep reds.

but you said it was for your son.

i felt upset.

he wasn't my son.

but you had taken to interior decorating and you were doing quite well. a lot of people wanted to buy your houses

Monday, April 11, 2016

do you plan

on attacking me in the middle of the wilderness?

i promise you that's not neccessary.

my life will end on your behalf no matter what you do, kiss me or kill me.

i'm sorry. not sorry.

i like safari

because i like trust,

and with trust,

comes respect. and with respect,

comes more and more love.

and doting compliments.

it's not that i don't want to be open about my life,

it's just that i think i should choose who and when and where and stuff to be open about my life.

and google doesn't allow that.

that's what my blog is for!

v for vendetta

watching it for the first time.

i've seen the ending so many times, but i've never seen it in order.

it's a beautiful film.

i'm going to watch it again!

i never realized how true it really is.

you can love something you don't understand.

or someone.

someone you don't know.

it doesn't matter.

it doesn't matter how close you are.

one small turn of events and you fall in love for eternity,

the rest of it doesn't matter.

nothing else.

you don't need evidence, that's only the fear talking.

there's no need to be afraid.

and i'm not.

i will die for love.