the show must go on

so i was trying to go to sleep like i always do and like usually
you just popped into my dreamlike state as i was half asleep half awake

and i was thinking about how i felt about you and what i want

and i really just wanted to "envelop you"
those were my exact thoughts
"i want to be an envelope and wanted you to come inside the envelope"
and then i realized that was actually sex
i wanted you to be inside me.

and that i never actually had never really wanted that exact thing before specifically,

i mean sure i mean i had considered the idea

but i had never been that serious about it

like i thought when we first met that you might want me to be your surrogate or your whore or something, and then it took me awhile to get over that and realize i deserved better than that.

even if it was you or it was a permanent situation
i deserved love

because i was in love with you then

i wanted you to love me back

and now i just have this feeling that you might even if you are holding it inside
and you have been all this time and it's growing bigger and bigger.

you know i might be psychotic.

but i'm not evil.

and i want to be as in control as i can possibly be.

and if i think you are normal to me.
and i'm not obsessed.

and you don't think of yourself as a higher person than me

you have less of a chance of being like
killed by any psychos
including me

 because recently i've been hearing the word psycho a lot.

and i'm worried about becoming more psycho.

it's scary.

like what if i'm making all of this up and

one day i walk down the street and i see you and i start talking about all this bullshit and you have got no freaking clue what i'm talking about.

yeah.

that's a scary thought for me.