July 30 2013 (2016)

reading anything good?

i'm watching a lot of interesting things.

i recently watched the end of season 4 of girls and i was so satisfied but i want some of the guest stars to come back and i'm really excited about some future projects coming up and i'm just like so excited about life right now i'm READING THE BIBLE and i'm studying it and i'm journaling it and i'm coloring it and i'm doing this stuff so that i can be in touch with God and not so "worldly"

i want to be the Lord's Christa not some random Christa that died and went to hell.

i don't want to deny Christ.

I want to remember every sin i ever did and I want to feel the total humiliating guilt of that and feel sick inside and take responsibility so that i can ask forgiveness and I can accept that what i was doing/am doing is/was wrong and change it and feel better about my self and love myself as a person and I want to help others do that too.

i want Jesus to be my first priority every day all day.

i want to follow him the MOST.

I want to read philosophy and think this is total crap compared to the other book I'm reading.

But every day a person interferes with my relationship.

and i don't think it's his fault really i think it's mine.

and i have tried to move on
let him go
there's other people out there
get a different crush or a boyfriend
 a cuddle buddy

nothing worked!

literally i have sat on my butt for 4 years dreaming about this life i'm living and i'm wondering about solutions to my problems and i'm like is it him is it God is it someone I don't know or like is it me?

maybe I'm not meant to love maybe I'm just going to live with my parents forever, maybe i'm going to be a cat lady.

like everyone tells me to just stop thinking period.

like STOP THINKING?
to do that i would have to pretty much BE IN A COMA.

that's so rude.

if they don't like my thought patterns they have some options.
don't talk to me
put me out on the streets
help me
ask god for help
or just deal with their personal problems

and i have to deal with mine

i have to put up some boundaries i know and that's mostly why i'm writing my thoughts here.

BUT IT'S like i actually have not ONE SINGLE person i can confide in.
LITERALLY not one person will give me the time of day without combusting.

are my problems that i'm carrying so great that they can't even stand to hear about them without calling me a bitch every time i try to vent for just a few moments?

i'm talking like my mother and father.
my sister.
my birthmother.

these people are like supposed to be my ultimate support team and i have NO ONE I CAN RELY ON for even 15 minutes.

i'm so saddened by this i can't focus on anything except falling to pieces and asking God to please bless me and my household and to please provide for me and my household

God help me love unconditionally

Help me support everyone

Help me be open

Help pray constantly

Help be be SO careful about what i say

Help me be wise, understanding, and knowledgeable, and loving, and peaceful, and questioning things but only because when I trust it's because it's for the right reasons.

I let someone in automatically before many people.

I've been hurt so many times and I will be hurt so many times again because no one can meet perfection.

Please help people know that.

Please help people accept that.

Please help people at least trust the serenity prayer if that's all they can say to you or the Lord's prayer.

Please help them open their Bible and just listen to you with an open heart and please help me just be so non - judgmental of everything.

Please help me be strong and guide people in the write direction.

Please help me be the person you want me to be as much as I can and i will try.

Please never let me make a promise that i can't keep forever.

Please let me be honest and good.

Amen.

XO - Christa