#morningshowerthoughts

finally i can stand up long enough to take a shower
ah i'm clean
for the most part


yay

first thought this morning

was of YOU
NOT FAIR

i think my brain has definitely been hijacked and it's like WAS I REALLY THINKING OF NOTHING else all night?

is that possible?
why don't i remember.

so i'm just listening to the playlist

my mom is making me coffee for a change.
that's nice
i guess she's in a good mood for a change
i guess my new automatic wake up call
is 10:30

i like have the words of every scene memorized now
like that show is better than the movies you've been in.
i hope that's like, a compliment to you because i honestly wasn't expecting it to be bc i'm not a liberal and that's the reason i was delaying the viewing

the other reason is because i was unsure of what to expect and i was going to watch THE ENTIRE show up until that point.

so yeah

that didn't happen.
and i'm not going to i'm pretty much caught up and i'm going to just going to watch all of your episodes on that show.

i'm not going to lie i don't really like some of the other characters COUGH marnie and desi joshana and mr president loser person

they have no character traits

i didn't like them from the beginning

so yeah
jessa's always been a babe i'm glad that she is cool

adam like totally did a 360 which is sad because people aren't supposed to change unless they want to  and like since i didn't watch the show i don't know if the character wanted to

i just know at the beginning he definitely wasn't boyfriend material but i guess in reality i'm not actually like girlfriend material so like i suppose i'm pretty much his other person similar to him and he's like exactly like my half brother which grosses me out and that's the reason why

so there that's the reason

ok.

so part of me wonders is this like a temporary thing?

maybe you are like temporarily inspired by me.

or maybe someone else likes me.
maybe it's not even you.

maybe you hate me

i have no guarantee and i understand in love there are no guarantees
and i really hope it's you but i don't want to be not the other woman but 'This other woman"
and like i just don't want to be this manipulative person who came in to your life by accident and
"swooped in under the cover of night and took you"
either.

so that's not me...
you choose me and
that's the way it is i will wait forever.
however long i will be as patient as possible.


on another topic i just love the seclusion room i wish i could be there now...


how were you so sure that I would continue to be inspired.

what if those were the best ideas i ever had?

and then like, you took them?

i don't want to keep harping on this, but like then you would have taken them, and then basically you would have reaped my ONLY thing that could have given me a reward.

you weren't sure.

you can't have been sure.

do you really think i'm playing a game?
do you think i think you are playing a game?
because i don't.

if i wrote something somewhere about an ANONYMOUS person playing games with me, it wasn't you.

even if it sounded relatively close to you.

it wasn't.

i don't know where you got that idea, maybe you got the idea about that knowing it was about someone else and just worked that into the script, but it wasn't about you and me.

 I WISH i could believe that you were JUST playing a game
if i believed that and i was in love with you maybe i could get over you.
but i don't and i can't.


the sick thing about that scene is that if i were going to accurately place every person into characters shoes,

ADAM = my half brother

YOU = YOU

MIMI ROSE - my EX LOVER/ EX friend who i will always love who is male

JESSA - MY BIRTHMOTHER

HANNAH - ME

and that's GROSSSSSS

HANNAH's dad - you

HANNAH's Mother - my mom's cousin combined with my sister and my birthmother

Hannah's best friend = my sorority sister who is female who i have not recconcented with and i don't want to and i have not had sex with and i have not dated....

GROSS.

so if you think about it really i had sex FOR YEARS with my half brother, you had sex with my birth mother, and my ex LOVER, WE JUST MET, which is actually accurate, my dad and my mom are actually my mom's cousin and you, so actually you've had sex with everyone EXCEPT for me.

and literally i have had sex with no one EXCEPT for my half brother. and ADAM had sex with my EX LOVER TOOOOOO. and him and JESSA's relationship is ACTUALLY ACCURATE.

creepy.

this is creeping me out.

i'm going to try not to think of the characters that way because that's not the way it was meant to be

THE WAY IT's ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE

ADAM - the guy hannah fixes

you = you but you are cooler trust me i know things

mimi rose = me

jessa = my cool person that i have always wanted to be

hannah = the cool person that doesn't care that i also want to be

the rest of the people weren't really there, so i don't have to place them.

girls on film. so yeah.
home.