as much as i want to

i really don't think i should go to new york

a long time ago

i had a dream that you were counting bread

now it's not that i don't think you have changed

or that you aren't really genuinely interested in me coming to your thing

and that i'm not genuinely interested

OR THAT I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GO

because I SO do.

i think it would be epic.

and it's heartbreaking for me.

i'm like humpty dumpty here.....

i'm so trying to balance myself

i really want to go

but one of the first dreams i had about you was that you were counting bread

and i that i was hired to work with you

and i kept trying to get you to notice me

and you just ignored me

and you kept counting the bread

and i know that that's a metaphor

but LATELY

i've been reminded of that dream

BY ACTUAL stale bread

idk if because the bread is stale that means you've changed....
and I SHOULD GO

and maybe you really do care about me specifically

OR MAYBE you think that i'm a measuring tool.

if you can manipulate me to travel across the country to see your show...

WHAT WOULD SOME OTHER PERSON DO?

if you could fake these feelings of longing to them...

without putting any effort in.

Well, i'm not a measurement tool.

And i'm not a piece of bread, I'm definitely not stale

AND I AM in love with you

and like legit,

i really want to see your show and i'm very confused right now

because i watched what's your number ok?

and like,
i understand that you are not your charrie

"but it doesn't have to be serious"

for you to see me down here.

it doesn't.

it really doesn't.

here is a non-serious scenario.

we met,

we "supposedly" accidentally ran into each other again and it was quite awkward.

we both have stigmas.

we want to relieve ourselves of these stigmas...

we got into a miscommunication fight online

we took time to i guess move on? from said fight. or WHATEVER.

and you just basically admit what happened to me

and i admit what happened to you

WHICH I GUESS IS WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW.

and you pop over here, and say hello for a couple of days

OR YOU DON'T.

you get my Skype number

somehow

or my phone number

and you like just call me

and we talk.

like idk the regular humans that we most definitely are not.

and i wouldn't find that creepy at all i would just be a little freaked out because i'm finally talking to you on the phone and i've been waiting all this time.

and then we just have issues defining ourselves, like.

1. do we define ourselves..
i have this need to do that...

2. we get to know each other and it makes it easier or more difficult as time goes on

3. i finally get close enough to you that you FEEL COMFORTABLE seeing me in a room. in rl.

4. it would be difficult.

i think that's why you would want me to come to your play.

and that's EXACTLY the reason i'm afraid to come to your play.

if I go to your play i'm some regular person who you don't know...

but if you come to me then i'm definitely a person that you know....

it would be a lot simpler if you happened to be in the same town as me and i happened to know you were there and like

i happened to run into you

and you happened to come up with the general idea that we go for casual coffee or to a diner which would scare the living daylights out of me.

not because you are you,

BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE um, so lovable.
to me personally.

so really i just can't imagine this whole thing actually happening

WHICH IS WHY it hasn't happened.

so i suggest

maybe you unblock me

and you possibly say something to me in a direct message?

and it could be like an icebreaker...

and then i would for sure KNOW that you were listening and i'm not talking to a blank space here.

because i'm seriously freaking myself out.

and i really have enjoyed speaking in code somewhat
but it gets old EVENTUALLY

eventually i'd really like to speak to you personally

so maybe you can cut me some slack if you are willing

and i can get in touch with reality

and if reality is

GO FUCK YOURSELF CHRISTA

then i'd like to hear you tell me that personally.

thanks.

like i'm not really going to believe that until i HEAR YOUR VOICE MATCHED WITH YOUR FACE SAYING THAT TO ME.

directly,

but i will leave you alone indirectly,

that's why i'm typing this message here and not in a note on Facebook.

xo