so i know...

that like everything is coming out in chunks

and i've been posting things pretty much everywhere but i've been pretty silent in RL
and i can't hold up a conversation and for me i'm feeling extremely mentally ill right now

 a lot of people will read this (if they did) and label me psychotic and obsessed and a loser

and that's just fine but i really could care less about them because it was there decision to come to every SILENT FREAKING CORNER OF THE GIGANTIC EXPANSE OF THE WORLD AND INTERNET and find me and overanalyze me and read every single word i have written..

so if you are getting annoyed of me it would be a lot easier for you to remove me from your life than it would be for me to remove you from mine..

i mean SURE you've created entire works based on our actual interaction

but like you can move on, you can meet other people in fact you have and "supposedly"
you are "in love" and "very happy" with them

i mean i have not heard you say that but that's what other people have said

so i'm not putting words in your mouth or assuming things about you but like i've said before i think you should be very careful about what you post

but i can't be because I can't stop and shut up because if i don't say something then i will like explode and stop breathing and i will fall apart and i will break.
i am a heavy fragile object that has a hard time balancing on a narrow slippery surface.

i don't think that's exactly the position you are in.

i mean sometimes it might feel that way for you but idk

i'm going to go back and say that we haven't officially met because i find it to be hilarious because of all this political correctness and elegant courtesies we "have" to extend to people, boundaries and such things.
like you can't tell me, well it's ok for you to break into my house whenever you want,

but my other creepy stalker, it'd definitely not okay for them to leave some hair and a dead mouse in my bath tub....

haha

i would never do that i'm just like making a dark joke here.

i can tell you i think my parents would be very upset if you BROKE INTO my house but i think they have like wanted you to actually make this crap real a long time ago and i'm a broken record now and it's annoying.

i mean what if you came down here all this way and you didn't like me after all?

that would be completely horrible for you but i mean  if you had walked in my shoes you would know i have put myself in that position before.

i think 4 years is along time. no?

a long enough time that i'm literally STILL waiting by the phone.
i'm actually still doing that.

that's horrible.

you have supposedly never met or introduced yourself to me personally and i'm waiting by the phone for you

i wonder how many other people are expecting a call from you?

i wonder what would happen to me if you did call.

could i even remotely come close to making a peep?

could i say your name?

would i be near the phone to answer?

i think i'd rather you just send me a letter or a text or something.
i don't want to hug you until i've cuddled with you.

is that weird?

i feel like i know enough about you to get into your bed and fall asleep with you beside me.
i just feel like if i see you genuinely smile my heart will literally soften into a mushy thing that still beats for you and God and like it's just us and i don't care about anyone else and i also know that that's not right either and i don't want to make you sick.

or myself.

literally i mean i can just watch everything over and over now.
that's where i am.
nothing matters except for your happiness.

this is the kind of love that disgusts people. and it's grossing me out because I have literally NEVER BEEN here before and it's horrible and miserable and i want to so leave

i want not to love you this much because it's like i would do literally anything you told me to do

no............................

nooooooooooo
no.
no.
no.....
i have to stop i have to.

is this what puppy love is or i this different?

i've grossed myself out.
i have to just zone out and i need to think about something extremely boring
maybe i will read aristotle.
maybe he will give me some crap advice.
i don't want to get yelled at because you are literally the only thing i'm capable of talking about right now.

ewwww. christa stop stop stop.
be quiet.

i'm just needing to go to sleep maybe this time when i wake up i will have forgotten you  exist
no i don't want to forget you.
but i need to forget you
but i don't want to forget you.

you will never be with me.
but what if you did

then we would disgust everyone WAY more than this

oh yeah

sleeeeeeeep. music.

no i need to watch something.

you can't chrsita

you can't listen to anything either you need to listen to the sound of silence on repeat and that's literally the only thing you can listen to goodbye/