a note

i'm just going to leave this here hopefully for a while.
so i was thinking about it while playing a video game which apparently you don't play but i was thinking - everybody always agrees with you right so like if everybody likes video games you can say, oh i played this obscure game once and i never do it anymore because i don't have time and you can see who "agrees with you" and who actually plays video games.
i guess what you don't know is who doesn't play video games.

that could be hard to figure out.
someone might say they don't play video games but really... they do play video games. and they just are agreeing that they don't.

so they are a liar.

i mean i guess that would mean i'm implying that you are a liar but i've implied that before and you've gotten really mad about it but i mean the reason i don't get upset about it is because i feel like you have to do it in your position to stay semi sane.

you need privacy and you have to just say the first thing that comes to your mouth because all the attention is on you and when it's not on you i guess you'd either be SERIOUSLY relieved or SERIOUSLY worried.
so you'd have to lie then too.

so i guess i've just accepted that i don't trust a word that comes out of your mouth and i enjoy finding out the truth but i do that with everyone.

you've just had this mantra for so long same as me that you are this OVERLY trustworthy and honest person

but i mean i'm not saying you aren't because i think you are i am just saying it's in a different way and you have to explain that to someone who first meets you i had to figure that out and i think maybe you didn't recognize that difference between you and myself.

i was thinking about how some "interviews" and "old cuts and clips" have "resurfaced" over the past four years and how your hair and facial features have dramatically changed to my eyes.
that's because your hair and facial features weren't filmed and photographed in those "clips" 4 years ago it was A LOT longer ago than that. they've just resurfaced over the past 4 years.

and at first i thought it was personal, and strange, and exciting.

maybe other people thought it was personal too.
idk

but i just have so much appreciated seeing those things because it seemed so much more personal and i've been afraid to watch some of them almost as much as I'd be afraid to watch a school musical of myself at age 11 because "it can completely change your entire perspective of the person"

just one video

just one photo

that has happened to me before a photo of me was circled around a group of "boys"/"men" at a wedding bachelor party and i was unaware during a difficult time for me and someone i was growing close to found out about it and completely cut me off because of it. he called me a THOT and said i was slutty and dirty and didn't want to be associated with someone like me.

so i had taken only a couple of photographs like that in my ENTIRE LIFE
some girls take those photos every day

i didn't think i was being slutty i thought i was just experiencing a flirtatious behavior that i hadn't done before but i of course was wrong in my mind and i disagree with myself now and i wouldn't do it again i made a mistake.

so like i have taken other vulnerable photos in other ways.

and they are floating about the internet because people like them.

people have saved them from myspace and they are just everywhere.

i have no idea where they got some photos of me from.

i am sure you have been through this all the time.

but all i'm saying is sometimes when i hear about an old video of you and i don't exactly know what to expect i get very afraid that i will change my mind or i will get very turned on or my artistic feelings will change or something will happen to me and my perspective of you.

and something did happen

i watched a couple of your recent shows and of course you were a total jerk off but it was beautiful
i didn't care and i'm sure you had something on your mind specifically when you chose those parts.

some part of you has started projects and you haven't been finishing things.

i don't know if that's unlike you or not
but i know that's a A LOT like me.
i don't know if you can't artistically finish the project or
you are being lazy and egotistical
or you are in denial about something
or you want a pay raise
or you have problems traveling
or you are having JUST regular people problems
or you are having acting blocks
or whatever
or maybe you've always had problems with truancy and no one has known about it

and now i know about it

and i have problems with truancy

and that's yet another fault we share.

i want you to be able to finish the projects that you want yourself to finish.

but most of all, if you don't love a project wholeheartedly, i want you to turn your back on it (be able to) maintain your good rep and know that you made the right choice and live with no regrets because you don't want to live in negativity

and you want to be around people who encourage you to be better
and be more positive
and not basic
and also are not basic
and you encourage them too and you push back
and you push back on the world and you aren't ok with failure
unless you tried your best and you are happy with the work that you did

because then you would be fulfilled.

i know that i have a history of coming up with all sorts of fluid crazy fantasies that are completely ridiculous.
but i mean that's what writing is and if i would just write down the fantasy, put a character in your shoes and make myself a bit different than who i am and continue the story i would have something.
possibly.

1.  i don't want to go to work at a job
2. i can't currently go to work at a job
3. i don't want to work with you at a job
4. i can't currently work with you at a job
5. i don't care about fame, fortune, glory, or my fears

so basically i have no reason to go to hollywood.
i don't want to surround myself with people who love that.

i can be an underpaid artist who loves art and never gets any honor
i can be an underpaid teacher who is humble and is good at her work when she happens to be there
i can do anything through christ who strengthens me

i CAN be positive
i CAN be drama free