i guess

that i just realized so many things today about you and i

#1. i don't write about "him" anymore
i only write to this unspoken name of _____ you
#2 i hardly ever make videos anymore and i wish i could address you more often through that form but i find it difficult i don't own a camera and i don't have enough money for one.
#3 there are a lot more 7/11's where i live now than there used to be and i just think that might have something to do with you.
#4 i've labeled my white cup "red cup" and you were like "ask me my name" and "JOE" and so i think that either that's like something that everyone does or i am a muse somewhat
#5 you rode the subway yesterday and i made a video about the subway
and i've also written a "screenplay" "scene" about a "light rail" so that is really like permanent in my mind even though i hate riding the bus or public transportation unless it's cleaned REALLY OFTEN like a train or something
#6 i feel like you have been watching me just as much as i've been watching you and you may think i'm fake but i'm really not and at some point you came to that realization but you acknowledge as i acknowledge that yes, we are both DEF manipulative people. but at that same time that doesn't mean that we are fake. i think we are real. but EVEN AT THAT POINT that doesn't mean we aren't bad or horrible, or miserable people. I think we torture ourselves.
#7 i think we both love each other very deeply but possibly for different reasons and in different ways and yes, i think that we are magnets and we CAN'T stop looking and obsessing and watching and WE can't let go. and i don't think we really at our cores want to.
#8 we confuse each other and that's part of why we really like this. we are so enamored with this guessing game. you think it will become boring and repetitive and struck with jealousy if we come into friendship or closeness and intimacy but it won't, it will become deeper and more complex and (not more dramatic i hope) but more wholeness and satisfying and every night will end with an i love you and it will be real and we will know that it's true and there won't be doubts and second guessing.
we will introduce each other to new things ( like today you intruded me to cannibalism and i was open to the idea and i realized it turned me off but i thought it was funny) but it my turn you on and maybe it's not funny to you and you take it very seriously and it's a game changer.
I WOULD NOT KNOW.
#9 i want to know all of your secrets and changes and embarrassing moments from your past and humiliations. i want to be so vulnerable to you that i can tell you every single damn embarrassing thing.
#10 i don't think this will end until we are both dead and it will die with us
but hopefully we will go to heaven and live in the same crib.