i eagerly await the day

when i can travel again

when  I can see operas and plays

and musicals

and ballets

and i will be transported around the globe as i've always dreamed i would

to go to festivals

and i would be in love

i would meet boisterous intelligent locals

who could tell me the history of the area
and i could become a lifelong friend of theirs

and i could show them my culture because

of course we live so differently

but now i think i will be stuck

devoted to farmer's almanacs

and planting things in the dirt

and harvesting crops and

milking cows twice a day

and raising livestock

and never leaving my comfort zone and instead of expanding

in compresses

and i will be so lonely there.

and that isn't what i was prepared for

life on mars alone.

stranded because i feel like and unsafe driver because of my families criticisms and
my fear

my ultimate fear that i will indeed get into another accident eventually if i move so fast

but logic tells me that everyone gets into accidents and part of life is making mistakes and

my family is overhauling me for normal problems

just because they can.

i am a good driver

sure

maybe i used to speed

but i don't anymore

sure

maybe i used to tailgate -- ok i still do that

but i don't get into accidents for tailgating unless my eyes stop functioning and that only happened once.

and i personally blame my medication.

which i was on to make my family happy.

so

no i have high blood pressure and acid reflux

so that i can "deal" with my family.

i was supposed to leave the nest

i was supposed to be successful

i was supposed to stay in pennsylvania

i was supposed to go back there and struggle after i got out of the mental hospital

but as usual i get babied and controlled and my parents bring me back to texas AGAINST MY WILL
and then don't give me money to go back to my apartment

where all my belongings are and the job that's waiting for me.

they buy me a new car

i HAVE TO SPEND 2 years living under a roof of like 8 people

and 7 animals

which was hell for me

and i had no friends and no one to turn to and they wouldn't let me leave

"i'm not responsible enough"

they say

"i'm not prepared enough"

"i'm not ready"

ok when  will i be ready because i don't think i'll ever be perfect on your time dad?

i'd like to just go....

get a 1 bedroom apartment

and figures something out..

idC if i have to live in a "home"

"christa you are going to inherit the ranch"
don't you care about it?

what about mama?

WHAT ABOUT MEE??????

everyone was doing just fine without me

i go to the hospital because they wouldn't buy me a fucking plane ticket

to go to my best friends wedding and i drive across the country avoiding hotels sleeping in my car

and then i have a psychotic break

literally there is no logic put into that plan.

my life is their fault.