what i want to say

all the things i want to say

i'm not sure what's true and what's REAL

here's what i want to believe

i CANNOT stop thinking about you having fake sex with a woman

it's just very believable and sexy.
it just makes me think you are very much a bisexual.
or just a pansexual person.

i can accept that
like i had accepted the fact that you were gay.

like the only problem i had with it is that i thought you were going to be put into like hell or something when you died and when you did we would be put into different eternity resting places and i was not okay with that.

like i understand that we all deal with different sins our whole lives and maybe you are struggling with an identity crisis.

that's possible.

i have the same problem.

like in a completely different way.

i'm completely bipolar so every day i don't know is this a manic monday

or a depressed tuesday.

and sometimes like i'm watching the uprising evil or the southward traveling decline.

and i don't know who i'm going to be when i wake up the next day.

and it's not just about my mood it's about my entire persona..

like is me going to be friendly.

am i going to be obsessed?

can i be productive?

am i sexual?

am i the only one?

yeah i realize i'm quoting n sync lyrics now.

but it's totally true sometimes i feel like a 70 year old woman physically mentally and emotionally

and people don't get that.

sometimes i feel TOTALLY asexual.

sometimes i feel like a serial killer.

i have this horrible abusive past where i've been raped and my village has been pillaged and i'm literally the only survivor and my history has never been recorded.

sometimes i identity with the cancer kid with a terminal illness who goes to the doctor and i'm like very close with them and i'm like no i'm never getting better there's not any hope for me.


other times i'm a gamer and i'm totally serious about halo and the game and it's like 0 to 10,000 jk i don't even know what that reference is i just know that pretty much like every nerd is supposed to understand NARUTO or something.

sometimes i'm a gypsy traveler who wants to like have a  spirit animal and a psychic guide healer aunt who will give me free palm readings because i don't know my destiny

sometimes i like have to experience the existence of every person in the world in one day or i'm not "EVEN LIVING"

sometimes i literally cannot answer a single person's question no matter what the question is and i can only focus on one memory over and over and i'm so depressed and i want to change it and i can't so i'm lying in the eternal depths of despair. and if my mom comes to me and is like christa do you need a xanax i don't "EVEN KNOW"

even though i'm supposedly so self-aware.

like i guess right now i really am but in that specific moment i really am not.

i guess i'm just reliving that same memory over and over in my mind and i'm writing about it and thinking about it and watching every movie and show that relates to it and creating a playlist about it and i'm just eating foods that make me think about it and i'm just so unavailable and unlikable.

sometimes i'm like natasha romanOFF a girl on a mission flirting with every person male or female who is thankfully not related to me and i'm like GETTING SHIT done and i'm like YOGA
COFFEE
BANANA
BLOG
FAMILY TIME
BIBLE
GO ON ERRANDS
AND LIKE COMMUNICATE EVERYTHING
BE LESS MANIC
MEDITATION
GO ON A WALK EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT
BITCH RUN FORREST RUN
and like go go go heal christa

and it's like take a selfie no matter what it is like here is my salmon bagel
here is my toast
here is my face #nomakeup
#fullbodynoedits
I'm so thankful to God that I don't care about my appearance (but not realizing that i'm totally egotistical and bragging about that, man i need to work on that....)

Sometimes my day is just like
cat
watch videos of kitties
oh my gosh it's cuddle time peachy

OH MY GOSH WHY DOES MY CAT HATE ME?
cats
cats
 ellie
cats
DOG
cats
plants
owls
cats
cats
kittens no
cats
old cats
the moon
rain
rain rain
clouds
rainbows
cats
videos of cats

more cats


it's just cats


OH MY GOSH JESUS i forgot to put you first i'm so LEGIT SORRY BIBLE BIBLE BIBLE BIBLE BIBLE BIBLE

wake up BIBLE oh my gosh i have crush again i'm obsessed again

why doesn't this endless loop stop again?
#not dancing
#not drinking
#be the baptist you are supposed to be


i just drank something

oh my gosh i forgot i wasn't supposed to dance

I'M SO SORRY JESUS

THANK YOU FOR THIS FOOD

I LOVE YOU YOU GAVE ME A SALMON BAGEL
YOU GAVE ME SUSHI
YOU GAVE ME STARBUCKS
YOU GAVE ME THIS BLOG
YOU GAVE ME FAMILY
YOU GAVE ME THE BIBLE WHICH IS FILLED WITH WISDOM
I'm not a genius
i'm not plato
i'm not perfect
im not baby einstein or even like picasso or even like a volunteer for the republican party


i'm like so beneath everything
wow

video games
tv
forget every think i can't handle


omg i made a stupid mistake Lord I got lost again

please help me


MENTAL HOSPITAL

wake up  identity crisis

BUT I DO BELIEVE STILL
even if my faith is so small
because i'm such an insolent fool this slave to fashion
basking in your glory.
which would make me as stupid as RAOUL.
which would be completely accurate.
i'm like worse than RAOUL.

i'm beneath him.
i'm someone who is like not even on the map.

so just forgive me.

and i'm asking everyone else to forgive me too

and i'm asking for help

and i'm asking for understanding

and i'm trying

and i'm like seriously trying to be healed which means i have to change
be better
i have to have this "social security"
and i am trying to do that.
so i'm like not trying to complain but i am constantly and i'm aware of that and I'm sorry for that too
and every single flaw that i'm aware of and becoming aware of i'm trying to correct

if i can

and like the serenity prayer and stuff.

i don't want to say amen because i'm really not done so i'll talk later.


XO
christa