at this apparent indifference you have for me.
looking back at one of the scenes from star trek
"i didn't want it to look as if it were favoritism"
ok.
i don't think it's exactly FAVORITISM
and i really don't think that anyone will know the difference if i'm like
hiding in your attic
never to be seen.
if you call me
on skype
there will not be any record of that call.
so what is it.
I AM JUST A REGULAR GIRL.
no....
it really can't be.
well.
you know.
i'm not coming.
i had a dream last night
that i lived last night and i remember riding home from a visit with you
to my seperate apartment and thinking
we still go home to seperate boroughs
we can't live in the same borough
so if i really did come to see your show
chances are that you would appear indifferent though you would most likely be very excited that i did in fact travel like 2000 miles to see you one way,
and i was spending my parents time and money (they don't really care about you at all no offense)
to see a show in which i was trying to prove to them the legitimacy of my claims
not only that the legitimacy of your art
and the beauty of the nature of it
and that even my love of philosophy is relevant
to the core of it the entire trip about you would be TO PROVE A POINT TO THEM
and if i didn't succeed I WOULD FAIL
because of you.
so no, i cannot go.
but i would love to see your play
because the very nature of it is very interesting to me.
i was reading a book in sam's yesterday
it was a star wars encyclopedia
and it pictured Rey asking for rations
it reminded me of the scene in agent 47 when k
like asks for a passport.
neither girl gets what she "morally deserves by today's standards"
so whoever like inspired those scenes
and there's only a few common denominators here that i know of
must have had some life experience with that type of life expereince
so it reminded me of myself
in this exact moment.
asking not only for you to validate my request
but the funny thing was the caption in the enclopedia said something like
the guy who gives her the rations was impressed so he givers her a quarter ration
which is sickening to me.
there can only be so many reason why he does this
if you think about both films it's even fewer reasons
1. he wants her to struggle
2. he's selfish
3. he thinks making her work hard is good for her spirit
4. he's actually not impressed that was a joke
5. his Standards are SO high that that was actually a compliment
6. he doesn't want her to leave
if you think about the star wars scene alone then
1. he wants her to be thin so that maybe she can be a sex slave
2. he thinks she's sexy
3. he's running out of food
agent 47 scene
1. he doesn't want her to leave
2. he wants her to struggle
3. he thinks she's not as smart as she really is
4. he's making a cruel joke
5. he fully intends on giving her a better passport. after a bj
6. he's lazy
so like if any of these reasons are possibly a similar reason to what i'm going through now
i'm freaking tired.
if you want me to go
send me everything i need to go
and if you did want me to go
it would be because you were being honest with me
and you weren't hiding behind a mask or a profile
you were you and i was me and we were communicating which is what i'm trying to do rn in the only way i know how
if you are "so inspired" by me
then like let me know so i can try to be more inspirational because right now i'm sitting in my bathrobe and the clothes i wore yesterday deciding i'm not going out with my grandmother to lunch because i'd prefer to not see people
and last night i was reading a ton of fake articles online
that i'm almost positive were penned by you.
i'm not THAT crazy.
i'm def crazy
but like i'm not a toy that you can play with.
i'm detrimental to my own health and well being
and i'd really like to say the only thing you are to me is good but that's not true.
and honestly the only way i know how to fix this is to open up about our actual feelings and reservations and just have a private conversation about it.
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