fears

i don't have those fears.

you think i do but i don't.


for example...

i more have a fear of being alone in the shower which is hard to explain because i need to be with like, a cuddle buddy doing non sexual things in the shower.

so i guess that means i'm afraid of showering.

but i WOULD NOT be afraid of showering if i was in the shower with someone i loved and i have been (well i didn't love him) but he comforted me to a degree

and basically we took showers together he was my boyfriend

i guess

and i wanted to shower all the time

i was excited about showering

most of the time

anyways

i don't have a fear of hair...

 THE REASON my hair was like that

i have LEGITIMATE explanation - omg -
i can't believe this

i died my hair like ARIEL red

at a "school"

with my "friend'

and she ruined my very innocent hair

and so she changed the entire texture of my hair..
and i wasn't using like EXTREMELY expensive hair products on it

and i also wasn't showering enough because of this irrational fear of getting wet and naked alone

which is the actual fear.

(like what if i was attacked while in the shower.....)

anyways

i usually sit still in one spot all day

my hair was rubbing against like pillows and headboards and chairs

and it got severely like

tangled and it was falling out

and i was shedding

and so the only way they could remove the huge mass of hair on my head was to cut it with a gigantic razor.

I DO HAVE A FEAR OF FEAR.

i have said that and i will say it again.

i normally don't smell bad.

i have witnesses.

sometimes i really do.

because you know what

i have severe bipolar

and part of that means i have depression

and that doesn't mean that i'm afraid of showering

it means I AM SO DEPRESSED

i dont' wan to move

every fiber of my being is slothenly

and sad

and pathetic

and ridiculous

and i am crying

and i'm wearing the same clothes that i've been wearing for like 3 or 4 days

and i'm just eating and sleeping

and not moving

i go to the bathroom.

that's it.

so

i feel alone.

i have a fear of being alone

and rejected

and by myself

alone.

and it has absolutely nothing to do with showering

or my hair

or my reflection

or any of that other crap

i'm a depressed piece of shit

and i feel shitty

and alone

and messed up

and imperfect

and i want someone to ignore all of that

and just take me to the shower

and undress me

and wash me

and love me.

because then i will be clean

and i will smile

and i will laugh

and i will feel comfort,
and i will cuddle in a bathrobe

and i will look into your eyes with my wet hair and your wet hair and
i will giggle.

xo