my fantasy

my rape scene

how i would film it if i was directing it

an attractive boy gets me high on a bong and starts a "philosophical discussion"

i'm really into it i'm so innocent and i've never been high before

i'm already drunk and i'm like laughing and smiling

but my body starts slowing down and i'm tripping out

i get on the bed in his bedroom

a trip shot of him telling me to be quiet (shhhhh)

i'm like dead on his bed  i can't talk i can't move and i'm having my own trip

separate from what he's talking about.

he starts removing clothes off of my body but i can't talk

during the trip i (unknown to the audience i can't talk or move because i yell NO stop I don't want to do this)

but then the shot shows the truth, i'm lying on the bed still and i can't talk or move

and he starts having sex with me and i look like a dead body

and he's groaning and moaning and i'm just like a corpse basically

i'm not moving or making a noise

BUT MY THOUGHTS ARE SO LOUD

stop no stop

don't do this

i finally whisper "no"

but he doesn't hear me because he's ejaculating

luckily he's wearing a condom

but AFTER HE GETS OFF OF ME

i'm just laying still for like 20 minutes and he's talking to "me"

and i'm just tripping out

like not moving

and tears are coming out of my eyes and he doesn't notice or doesn't care

and i can't move and snot's coming out of my nose and he's like

Christa that's so gross
ugh you are ruining the mood

and i want to punch him but i can't because i'm so high

i'm numb

so when i finally move a finger

i slowly gain control over my body i put my clothes on my body i'm very cold

and i get in my car and i cry so hard

and then

i drive home after almost getting in several wrecks...

and people tell me that was consensual several times in conversations i have later.

because i chose to smoke the pot but i told them i didn't agree to have sex and they weren't there

and i'm very defensive and
they just say that it's very "up in the air"

and difficult to discuss
and they just really don't want to talk about my sex  life

end