queen crysallis and her knights of the round table "talk"n

so like i'd really like to have a brainstorming session involving my playlist.

i've had so many ideas over the years while i was making it,

and while i can't deny that it's been fun watching my creativity be made through other people's hands,
it would be nice to be part of a creative team involving my original experiences and ideas for once.

i would just like to be able to contribute something that i thought of or made to the project.

- random thoughts jan 2016 -

it's not that i'm not just a person who will no longer get up at the drop of a hat and do something that i'm excited about. that part of me hasn't changed. i have to accommodate for my parents, and my mental illness and my parents ]= and that gypsy part of me while still there, no one is accommodating it, and i wasn't accommodating it  before....

anyways...

look i still swoon over once upon a dream by lana del rey

and i still would love the opportunity to live, travel to, experience nyc

i would love to see you even if only for a new york minute.

whatever that means.

i bet it's pretty short.

i have mixed memories of that place.

but like I'm just not going to drop everything during one of the most stressful times of my entire life

FOR A CHANCE to see you when there's NOT A GUARANTEE

and i'm definitely not going to pay for it.

because i'm not that way to you. in my perception.

so i don't know how you see me

this persistent person who won't give up.

but

i just think that you are being RIDICULOUSLY OUTRAGEOUS and unfair.
i think that i have met all of your demands.

i did not create a separate twitter account after not only was my first other twitter deleted with no explanation

i did not create a separate twitter account after my main twitter was blocked because i don't want to harass you even though it may seem like i really do.

i did NOT follow you home though i did consider how easy it might be
I DO NOT WANT to stalk you or creep you out un a unflattering way.

sure i have problems
i'm mentally ill and have major panic attacks in front of you that lead me to be hospitalized.

and sure i stop eating and showering and basically taking care of myself because i'm so obsessed with you.

and yeah, i may have an acne skincare problem that is related not only to stress but the ENORMOUS amount of medication i have to take to make me be "semi pleasant" to be around because otherwise i'm a homosidal cray cray weirdo who is delusional and schitzo

but you know what.

i still think i'm pretty

i still think i'm an artist

i didn't give up on anything including you

and i haven't given up on myself even though sometimes it may seem like it

and i think that i'm talented and interesting and smart and unique and i like myself for all of that

i know i'm not perfect but you won't find a single person on this earth who is

and i don't know how many of your fans are dedicated to making you happy instead of just worshiping the ground you walk on.

so i know hearing this might not make you happy now, but when you look back on it maybe in 5-10 years. i know it will.

because i'm not afraid of you.

you don't scare me at all.

unless i think you are about to tell me that you want me.

or that you need me.

or that i was right all along.

that scares me.

and the reason is because no one else does.

no one else will listen and beautifully and eloquently be mr.darcy.

so i dare you - scare the living daylights out of me.

 watch me run away over and over and come running back in the rain. and smile

because i don't smile very often.

xo