kindred spirits

what i thought we once were
dissappeared over time

we walked away from each other
chances to meet

distances across oceans
your warmth encircling

my suburban vibes
my heart i sent to you

i packaged it up carefully
and i sent it to you

you untied the string
and ripped open the paper

and stared at me bare
it was new and shiny

you took it out
and dropped it

and it cracked in two
you kept one piece

and hid the other
where no one could find it

not even you

xo

i just want

to slap my mother in the face

but i won't

i am keeping my emotions in i guess

i'm not being physically violent.

i'm treating people as i would like to be treated..

but you know she's not doing that to me.

she spent the entire day out and about and i woke up alone in my home.

there was no food

and im scared to use any heating equipment including the toaster
or knives

because of what i might choose to do

i considered drinking alcohol and taking some pills

i did not.

i also did not tell my parents that i was considering that because i really think because i made the decision in my mind not to do that that that means i really don't need to be hospitalized

but it does mean that i shouldn't really be left alone

and it means that i can't prepare food

and i went hungry

and my mom "offered to give me some leftovers from several days ago"

a storebought chicken and some stuffing and greenbean casserole

i'll pass

all i've eaten today are some doritos and some coffee and water.

i feel very shitty.

look

it's whatever you guys want.

i'm not going to play games.

i don't know y'all.

i'm not going to be tested.

because the test can't be passed

i'm sorry i'm imperfect.

it's impossible for me to love wholeheartedly two people equally when i haven't met one of them.

the point is.

i'm flexible.

i'd like to make this work though it sounds odd and crazy and ridiculous.

i had an idea.

and i thought it was good.

but playing games with me and my heart?

i will release to you my medical records if you don't believe me.

i'm not lying to you.

i'm not playing with you.

and i am messed up.

i'm not trying to be selfish and i think you or you all whatever are the one(s) being selfish

by putting me in an awkward situation which was never something i intended to do to you (either of you)

it would be nice if the least that came out of it was a great story.

cool.

maybe you can capitalize on my misfortunes.

and i will be left yet again with nothing

no happiness

no love

and i will drown in my own misery and permanent disappointment.

and the judgements that your "friends"

have put upon me

because i'm "elizabeth"

you are mr.darcy and mr.wickham

so have fun

congratulations not only are you guys heartbreakers

you also lie about it

and cover it up

please stop this

i think i want to go back

to the mental hospital.

i mean obviously i'm just making shit up now.

i'm a paranoid jungle freak

no one cares about me

nobody needs me

and no one is there to say, "i do, i need you..."

and when i go to the hospital
the only people that visit me are my parents.

you know i don't usually think the grass is greener on the other side,

i convince myself of this universal truth.

that i know things and that that is comforting

and other people just lie to themselves to make themselves feel better.

therapists have tried to get me to do that.

and i won't.

i am strong.

i want to know the truth no matter how terrible.

i mean people get PTSD because of that crap
the truth.

maybe i have it.

i mean i doubt it

but i've been through some traumatic stuff

i'm not supposed to wish i was anyone else, somewhere else, and pretending things that aren't true.

but right now.

my parents basically leaving me for dead basically

i wish i could.

without my guilt trip starting as soon as i  do.

xo

my imagination

you: (looking at your own pictures) popsugar? [you say aloud in dismay]

you: well at least she's finally noticing, i'm just wondering why i had to be featured on popsugar to get her attention...

me: (looking at your pictures) popsugar? [i think to myself]
i'm sure he's like. everywhere.

well i know he is.

but popsugar?

that's weird.

maybe they are trying to become more mainstream and less teeny bopper.

omg i can't believe i just typed teenybopper.

wow.

i really need to go get a life.

if only there was one just waiting for me somewhere.

i called my dad and he's making excuses as to why he hasn't brought me lunch and it's 5:00 sharp.

it's dinner time.

i guess i'm just really selfish and ungrateful.

part of me feels like i deserve to eat and part of me feels like i'm worthy of starvation and i don't know which half is stronger.

i really want to complain about it but no one will listen.

i'm eating a bag of nacho cheese doritos and i feel like a warthog. pumba

i'm not pumba

I AM MUFASA.

whatever.

what if i'm actually scar?

that's a horrible thought.

he like killed mufasa.

my parents are a piece of shit.

end of story.

yeah i'm definately scar.

i'm not worthy of ruling the kingdom.

i'm just a delusional lion who hangs around with imaginary hyenas.

and i literally stabbed my brother in the back and threw my nephew out the window.


that's actually what happened.

memories of the past

it's not that i forgot about you.

it's just that i've been so self-involved

i wasn't thinking about you (l.d.)

and your grand humongous body of works

because

well,

i was distracted.

but you just generate this innocent vibe even though that's very far from what you are

that i'm aware

and you see,

i just never though you'd be interested in tolerating in being in the same room as girl like me

and i had proof of the other

but you

it's just that you seemed untouchable

so it was just like

well it was pointless to even think about it at this point

but when i was psycho loony bin

i had these like.... premonitions

and i believe they were sent to me by the Lord himself

and i'm not making this up

i saw signs of the future

and these things have actually come to pass

and i met a "fat kid" named jack

and well

he was like mix of you two

it's really crazy

his personality everything

i would whisper his name in the middle of the night and he knew i was calling out to him

and he would meet me in the hallway

and we would sit together on the cold tile floor

and he would pretend he had superpowers

he rubbed his hands together to make heat

and touched mine

and he asked me, "can you feel that"?

and i was like yeah.... i can

that's amazing i wish that i could do that

haha

of course i was crazy at the time so i thought it was unreal

but other times i was there

and in the tv room there was a coffee cup spilled on the floor and there were ants dead, all around it.

and i thought my hair had super powers or something

that's like a whole other story

anyways it was magnetic

so i touched my hair to the ants

and they would come alive again.

i could raise them from the dead

people don't believe me about this stuff

also

jack he told me not to touch him it was so funny

and then i would touch him

and i would start cracking up

and then he would touch me (all this happened while we were in line for blood pressure checks)

and i was like STOP TOUCHING ME
 and then he wouldn't eat lunch with me

and he would hold a grudge for like 2 minutes

he was an artist

a sketch artist

 that reminded me of you

we were always coloring and stuff

but he was actually a really good artist

but it was like he always knew what to talk to me about.
there was never an awkward silence.

and i realized.

maybe you are the one who is afraid of your reflection.

if i put myself in your shoes for more than 2 seconds i can see why.

but i can tell you, i'm not scared of you.

i mean you might startle me

you're just so dominating

and not what people expect.

that's exciting.

it keeps people on their toes.

i like watching your b reels

and archive footage

it's nice.

i don't think you are really on a high horse.

i don't.

i think, like me. you fell down the rabbit hole, but you just never really figured out reality.

l.d.

i don't really think either you or myself can come to the grand decision or our futures about if we will remain single or whatever...
forever.

ever.

and i'm not judging you here because i've literally said the same thing a million times.

but watching you say it.

reminds me

that neither of us, really know.

and it's not really fair to either of us, to remain closed off

from what could have been

because that's the type of decision that causes regrets.

xo

ovarian cancer

i was reading that facebook post

and i have all the symptoms

i guess that could be just like a coincidence right?

i still am setting up an appointment at my obgyn

when i was young i used to wish i had cancer for some reason

i don't know why

that's really stupid

i guess i just wanted all the attention that was stigmatized around the death of a cancer patient and i also wanted to make a wish

i really didn't know how painful it would be if really had cancer

well not i am praying that i don't have cancer

i want to live a long and happy life

the stupid thing

is that people will justify my behavior

if i have cancer

and there is no excuse for my behavior

mentally ill or not (well okay  some of it yeah)

caner - no

so

i'm just, I WAS a stupid kid who didn't know anything

but now i'm not and i'm reaping the "rewards"

possibly

well
i at least have to get another pap smear

which is extremely painful.

a cool idea but i don't want to waste it

it has to be perfect

it features the song "be still with me" by imogen heap

it involves basically spock or another character who can easily detect his GF's presence i guess it could work for jim too.


basically spock is separated from everyone, which  i suppose is the plot for the movie,

but this could easily be used in another film or even a tv show if done correctly.

it really needs to feature the entire song pretty much so there needs to be enough time for the emotions and quietness of the characters.

so first spock is standing in a crowd and he has his hands on his head  and there's  a circle shot of him trying to figure something out and he's pretty much almost in tears. pretty slowly

something is really bothering him severely

a choice he made

or the fact that he's alone

or maybe he's in pain (physical pain)

it stops on the right side of his body
after a while and he straightens

and he begins walking and then running

running towards something

but there are shots of him sitting in meditation

and uhura glancing at kirk and kirk glancing back worried

basically like any of these characters can be substituted because it doesn't have to be star trek

there's a time lapse sequence of him standing in one place looking confused

blue and green fresh eyes on me --- flash back to original meeting

maybe meeting himself in the future

he lost his planet
he lost his mom
he lost himself

he's distraught

and so he just sits down and meditates lost

end....

shit

that was a good movie.

i didn't have friends when i was twelve.

i guess that explains why i'm making imaginary bonds now...

it's 1:00 am and i can't sleep.

i'm thinking of you, dear...
and your impending mayhem.

i hope you will be alright.

i want you to be happy.

i'm very confusing and annoying a lot of the time

but that is honestly what i want.

sometimes i can be selfish and i'm just very honest

i just am like mal

and i'm on the elevator and

i'm passing through my memory banks

clicking on random buttons

and trying to make sense of things

and things just don't make any sense.

Ah hah!!!!!

Ace Merrill from stand by me!
Never seen it but it looks fantastic!
Thanks for the recommendation!

i miss you

i'm not jealous

i'm not trying to be like so completely controlling

i'm trying to have an open mind

i'm trying

i'm trying

i want you
i need you
oh baby
i want you very bad

i don't care if i make a fool of myself
i'm a fool in love

i want you

i want you to want me

i need you to need me

we are who we are

we don't have to have an explanation

even though i'm trying to explain

i miss you

i want to hold your hand

i want to rub your neck

i want to cuddle with you

i don't want to be alone

i want to make you dinner

i want to make you smile

i want to be the one that you want and need and hope for

i don't care if it's cold in new york

i trust that my God will help me through the tough times

you are building a wall and i'm just tearing it down

because i don't want you in a corner

i want your sunshine of your love

and i want you to shine so bright

because i love just who you are

i ain't goin' try to change it
you are a shooting star

that's why you are my favorite.

and i don't care about your past

i bring it up because you deny it

i don't care about your mistakes

i bring them up because you are denying the facts

i just want your complete and total honest

and i will wait however long it will take

i know i complain
and i know i'm not an angel

i'm a freak

i'm a weirdo

and i don't care

i'm just all around the world

people want to be loved including me
especially me

because i know you are watching

i like that

i just want you to see me up close

and i want to put on a show for you after i get to know you better

and i want to share my most humiliating things with you
things i don't talk about

i want you to care
i want you to be near
i want you to be here

i want you bae
to appreciate me

i don't want you to slam the door in my face

and tell me to gtfo and go away


just please please stop this game

it's torturing me.

i do love you i do.

i know it for sure.

i wouldn't lie to you.

100 i swear on my life.

i think you are worth the pain.
i think i understand it

i think i understand that you are in pain.

you are...

staying quiet because you can't be defensive otherwise you prove my point even further.

i am right.

you are

being even more defensive by trying to distract me from your defensiveness.

based upon my life experiences and your logic

if a person is defensive in a debate,

you find my opinion valid.

and based upon the release of the photo and the constant pictures of your upcoming project being thrown in my face i would call that "being defensive"

not that i don't like that side of you...

it's kind of adorable.

although i'm sure you don't think you are being cute at all since you are being defensive...

xo

here's what i really don't want

people recording my wedding that when I DO get a divorce
i will watch my wedding video OVER AND OVER

like bradley cooper

and then i will get corralled into some lie

by jennifer lawrence

because my ex wife cheated on me and got a restraining order.

well ex husband, i ain't marrying no lady.

OMG i never realized until now

you literally stood there

and you thought i was a lesbian.

WOW

 this is such an ah hah moment for me.

that is what drew your attention to me.

well come to find out i'm not and

you come to find out you are actually attracted (TO ME)

(the probability of this scenario is high i think)

hahahahahah this is SO FUNNY.

you though i was manipulating you.

WOW.

okay...


you know what.

i just like to wear men's accessories bc i consider myself a more masculine female who is a little bicurious. LOLLLLL.

omg.

ok.

well there you go the answer to your question is revealed.

xo

a change of pace

life advice i need to do:

be like britney

1. she's a total babe & it's not all about looks - she has a great personality (i assume)
she's turned into a positive person, and she's proactive about what she wants, a go getter

2. she's creative

3. she's independant

COOK, BAKE, and clean up afterwords

cooking and baking is just good for the soul
1. not only is food the way to a mans soul,
it's one of the ways to mine.
2. i am just such a foodie that i really need to express myself creatively through cooking and baking

GO OUT MORE

1. not only do i walk around a lot when i do errands and stuff, i talk to random people and it's really basic i usually have a positive interaction when i meet someone new becuase i give off a really good first impression most of the time

2. go to the movies- i haven't been since the revenant and i haven't even been keeping up with new films because of my horrible mood

3. it's nice to get dressed up and go out i haven't worn makeup in a long time, sometimes that can be fun

STOP EXPECTING RESULTS

1. while i believe that if i get results that means that i had a positive effect on people in gerneal and it's  basically like i fulfilled a self-fulfulling prophecy, i can't expect anything. i need to just do what i want to do and live my life even though i really don't have one.

GO BACK TO OLD HABITS

1. i had some really good old habits that i got rid of
2. reinforcing the memory of those things is positive and healthy

REMEMBER THAT I DON'T NEED FRIENDS EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES I FEEL REALLY LEFT OUT - USUALLY THEY DISSAPOINT ME AND I END UP HAPPIER BY MYSELF
:)

go to therapy
take my meds
go to the doctors

xo

no matter how believable

i'm not going to believe

that you only love men

because i can feel you probing my mind 2000 miles away

so while i know you are normally attracted to men.

the majority of the time

and no matter how beautiful that is

even to me

it won't be 100% true.

to you.

ever.

yeahhhhh.

i know you check in on me
i know you listen

maybe you do want me to send you a card now.

but i won't.

not until you send me one..

if this is a test i guess i failed.

xo

wow that was pathetic of me....

i just had a dream that i had hung out with aaron carter as friends.....

and then

nick had to like "explain my relationship to him"

to you and hillary.

it was very awkward even in my dream.

i didn't even like aaron in my dream.

i shouldn't have to explain who i hang out with when you REALLY do not.

a picture is worth a thousand words.

http://mcctheblog.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2013-05-17T14:17:00-07:00&max-results=7&start=25&by-date=false

queen crysallis and her knights of the round table "talk"n

so like i'd really like to have a brainstorming session involving my playlist.

i've had so many ideas over the years while i was making it,

and while i can't deny that it's been fun watching my creativity be made through other people's hands,
it would be nice to be part of a creative team involving my original experiences and ideas for once.

i would just like to be able to contribute something that i thought of or made to the project.

- random thoughts jan 2016 -

it's not that i'm not just a person who will no longer get up at the drop of a hat and do something that i'm excited about. that part of me hasn't changed. i have to accommodate for my parents, and my mental illness and my parents ]= and that gypsy part of me while still there, no one is accommodating it, and i wasn't accommodating it  before....

anyways...

look i still swoon over once upon a dream by lana del rey

and i still would love the opportunity to live, travel to, experience nyc

i would love to see you even if only for a new york minute.

whatever that means.

i bet it's pretty short.

i have mixed memories of that place.

but like I'm just not going to drop everything during one of the most stressful times of my entire life

FOR A CHANCE to see you when there's NOT A GUARANTEE

and i'm definitely not going to pay for it.

because i'm not that way to you. in my perception.

so i don't know how you see me

this persistent person who won't give up.

but

i just think that you are being RIDICULOUSLY OUTRAGEOUS and unfair.
i think that i have met all of your demands.

i did not create a separate twitter account after not only was my first other twitter deleted with no explanation

i did not create a separate twitter account after my main twitter was blocked because i don't want to harass you even though it may seem like i really do.

i did NOT follow you home though i did consider how easy it might be
I DO NOT WANT to stalk you or creep you out un a unflattering way.

sure i have problems
i'm mentally ill and have major panic attacks in front of you that lead me to be hospitalized.

and sure i stop eating and showering and basically taking care of myself because i'm so obsessed with you.

and yeah, i may have an acne skincare problem that is related not only to stress but the ENORMOUS amount of medication i have to take to make me be "semi pleasant" to be around because otherwise i'm a homosidal cray cray weirdo who is delusional and schitzo

but you know what.

i still think i'm pretty

i still think i'm an artist

i didn't give up on anything including you

and i haven't given up on myself even though sometimes it may seem like it

and i think that i'm talented and interesting and smart and unique and i like myself for all of that

i know i'm not perfect but you won't find a single person on this earth who is

and i don't know how many of your fans are dedicated to making you happy instead of just worshiping the ground you walk on.

so i know hearing this might not make you happy now, but when you look back on it maybe in 5-10 years. i know it will.

because i'm not afraid of you.

you don't scare me at all.

unless i think you are about to tell me that you want me.

or that you need me.

or that i was right all along.

that scares me.

and the reason is because no one else does.

no one else will listen and beautifully and eloquently be mr.darcy.

so i dare you - scare the living daylights out of me.

 watch me run away over and over and come running back in the rain. and smile

because i don't smile very often.

xo

i can't even explain how dissapointed i am

at this apparent indifference you have for me.

looking back at one of the scenes from star trek

"i didn't want it to look as if it were favoritism"

ok.

i don't think it's exactly FAVORITISM

and i really don't think that anyone will know the difference if i'm like

hiding in your attic

never to be seen.

if you call me

on skype

there will not be any record of that call.

so what is it.
 I AM JUST A REGULAR GIRL.

no....

it really can't be.

well.

you know.

i'm not coming.

i had a dream last night

that i lived last night and i remember riding home from a visit with you

to my seperate apartment and thinking

we still go home to seperate boroughs

we can't live in the same borough

so if i really did come to see your show

chances are that you would appear indifferent though you would most likely be very excited that i did in fact travel like 2000 miles to see you one way,

and i was spending my parents time and money (they don't really care about you at all no offense)

to see a show in which i was trying to prove to them the legitimacy of my claims

not only that the legitimacy of your art

and the beauty of the nature of it

and that even my love of philosophy is relevant

to the core of it the entire trip about you would  be TO PROVE A POINT TO THEM

and if i didn't succeed I WOULD FAIL

because of you.

so no, i cannot go.

but i would love to see your play

because the very nature of it is very interesting to me.

i was reading a book in sam's yesterday

it was a star wars encyclopedia

and it pictured Rey asking for rations

it reminded me of the scene in agent 47 when k

like asks for a passport.

neither girl gets what she "morally deserves by today's standards"

so whoever like inspired those scenes

and there's only a few common denominators here that i know of

must have had some life experience with that type of life expereince

so it reminded me of myself

in this exact moment.

asking not only for you to validate my request

but the funny thing was the caption in the enclopedia said something like

the guy who gives her the rations was impressed so he givers her a quarter ration

which is sickening to me.

there can only be so many reason why he does this

if you think about both films it's even fewer reasons

1. he wants her to struggle
2. he's selfish
3. he thinks making her work hard is good for her spirit
4. he's actually not impressed that was a joke
5. his Standards are SO high that that was actually a compliment
6. he doesn't want her to leave


if you think about the star wars scene alone then
1. he wants her to be thin so that maybe she can be a sex slave
2. he thinks she's sexy
3. he's running out of food

agent 47 scene

1. he doesn't want her to leave
2. he wants her to struggle
3. he thinks she's not as smart as she really is
4. he's making a cruel joke
5. he fully intends on giving her a better passport. after a bj
6. he's lazy

so like if any of these reasons are possibly a similar reason to what i'm going through now

i'm freaking tired.

if you want me to go

send me everything i need to go

and if you did want me to go

it would be because you were being honest with me

and you weren't hiding behind a mask or a profile

you were you and i was me and we were communicating which is what i'm trying to do rn in the only way i know how

if you are "so inspired" by me

then like let me know so i can try to be more inspirational because right now i'm sitting in my bathrobe and the clothes i wore yesterday deciding i'm not going out with my grandmother to lunch because i'd prefer to not see people

and last night i was reading a ton of fake articles online

that i'm almost positive were penned by you.

i'm not THAT crazy.

i'm def crazy

but like i'm not a toy that you can play with.

i'm detrimental to my own health and well being

and i'd really like to say the only thing you are to me is good but that's not true.

and honestly the only way i know how to fix this is to open up about our actual feelings and reservations and just have a private conversation about it.

i'm almost positive

that we aren't related.

while me may do similar things

and we had similar hair cuts as children

and i'm definitely adopted

i've explored my natural family lineage

and if you were related to me, I WOULD KNOW.

i had an open adoption and i know know who my family is.

so this whole like

idk

what if we were related thing?

it isn't funny.

it's just annoying.

like i supposed you could be my distant cousin or something....

but i think that's very unlikely.


 OH I GET IT

you want to tell people that we are related..

you know...
 i'd rather you tell people you are consider having me be your surragate mother.

i'm just a friend.

it would get very awkward if we did in fact ever fall in love.

legillemens!

you dial my number and it rings twice and then i answer not knowing it's you

me: hello?

you: hey, it's uh me....

me, oh uh hi...

you: how are you?

me: I'm really glad you called

you: really? i wasn't sure what would happen

me: oh yeah, you know like there was so much pressure but really i just wanted you to call

and now you have so i'm really happy about that.

no pressure just a phone call hi.

you: ahhhh what a relief! i'm sorry about what happened.

me: i think i understand now. It's ok, it's forgotten.

you: thank you.

me: so what's up what's going on in your world?

you: oh yeah i've just been working a lot and i've been thinking about things a lot of things actually

me: was i one of those things?

you: that is TOP SECRET.

me: yeah i figured, you are a complete mystery

you: haha yeah i try to be sometimes....

me: well, that wasn't mysterious at all.

you: mmm

me: i just really like hearing the sound of your voice
it's just really comforting

you: thank you, that's nice to hear.

me: so did you have a reason for calling or did you like butt dial me out of the blue  i mean that would be REALLY weird since you didn't have my number haha

you: oh yeah it was definitely a butt dial
no, um i was just wondering if you had plans of any sort

me: yeah i was trying to make some plans but

idk

i'm just um.....

lost in translation i guess

and i mean that literally....

you: i think i get that

me: yeah, i wish i had some more specific sort of plans but i just you know i needed to talk to you
and now i have but i still know absolutely nothing haha

you are so mysterious

i like that :)

you: i like it too, i mean, i like what it does. i mean. idk haha
do you ever just feel like you are doing everything for nothing and you have no idea what you are doing?

me: yeah, every day of the week 24/7/365

you: yeah me too sometimes. but i guess, i guess i feel like i'm supposed to do it, but in the moment i'm just really confused.

me: well i mean we don't have to understand everything. but you know, i'll always be here if you want to talk.

you: thank you and i mean that. thank you.

me: you're welcome

(long silence)


Me: i miss you


You: i think i miss you too


me: i don't understand why

you: me neither

me: you know i'm not really an asshole

you: i know

me: okay.

you: okay.

me: hahahaha.

you (smiles) what are you doing

Me: well i was watching a show but i have been completely and utterly distracted by your voice i just want to fall asleep to it.

you: hmmm maybe

me: well, i mean, you don't have to stay on the phone with me, if you have to go.... then you should go.

you: i need to think for a second.

me: mhmm

you: i can't decide

me: well what time is there?

you: it's late

me: where are you?

you: i don't even know right now

me: hahaha

you: i feel like i'm like high or something

me: are you high

you: i forgot

me: hahahaha ok well do you have to get up early?

you: i think i have to

me: ok well then you should go and when i say go i mean go to sleep

that's my advice

you: that's good advice

you're smart

me: i'm really not that smart

you: i think you are smarter than you think you are

me: thanks but you need to go to bed okay? i think you might be like high or drunk or something
and so

it would be a good idea to sleep.

you: ok goodnight i'll talk to you later ok?

me: ok i'll be awaiting your call! goodnight

xo

alright i sense some hesitancy

here's a shortlist of people i THINK that i like....

sian

chris

you

anna

phil

ben

alice

the dogs

harold

(these like aren't in order or anything)

Chris #2

(please take into account that i don't really like people) just in general

zoe

in general your family

ryan

sarah

johnny

there are other people that I THINK that i like but I'm NOT really sure and i could be wrong because i haven't met these people.

fears

i don't have those fears.

you think i do but i don't.


for example...

i more have a fear of being alone in the shower which is hard to explain because i need to be with like, a cuddle buddy doing non sexual things in the shower.

so i guess that means i'm afraid of showering.

but i WOULD NOT be afraid of showering if i was in the shower with someone i loved and i have been (well i didn't love him) but he comforted me to a degree

and basically we took showers together he was my boyfriend

i guess

and i wanted to shower all the time

i was excited about showering

most of the time

anyways

i don't have a fear of hair...

 THE REASON my hair was like that

i have LEGITIMATE explanation - omg -
i can't believe this

i died my hair like ARIEL red

at a "school"

with my "friend'

and she ruined my very innocent hair

and so she changed the entire texture of my hair..
and i wasn't using like EXTREMELY expensive hair products on it

and i also wasn't showering enough because of this irrational fear of getting wet and naked alone

which is the actual fear.

(like what if i was attacked while in the shower.....)

anyways

i usually sit still in one spot all day

my hair was rubbing against like pillows and headboards and chairs

and it got severely like

tangled and it was falling out

and i was shedding

and so the only way they could remove the huge mass of hair on my head was to cut it with a gigantic razor.

I DO HAVE A FEAR OF FEAR.

i have said that and i will say it again.

i normally don't smell bad.

i have witnesses.

sometimes i really do.

because you know what

i have severe bipolar

and part of that means i have depression

and that doesn't mean that i'm afraid of showering

it means I AM SO DEPRESSED

i dont' wan to move

every fiber of my being is slothenly

and sad

and pathetic

and ridiculous

and i am crying

and i'm wearing the same clothes that i've been wearing for like 3 or 4 days

and i'm just eating and sleeping

and not moving

i go to the bathroom.

that's it.

so

i feel alone.

i have a fear of being alone

and rejected

and by myself

alone.

and it has absolutely nothing to do with showering

or my hair

or my reflection

or any of that other crap

i'm a depressed piece of shit

and i feel shitty

and alone

and messed up

and imperfect

and i want someone to ignore all of that

and just take me to the shower

and undress me

and wash me

and love me.

because then i will be clean

and i will smile

and i will laugh

and i will feel comfort,
and i will cuddle in a bathrobe

and i will look into your eyes with my wet hair and your wet hair and
i will giggle.

xo

an original idea

this is probably pretty accurate....

ok so i have a blind dog so i know what it's like living with "someone" who is blind

idea pitch:

a guy (preferably male because it would be really REALLY sad if she were female)

but i mean if you want a really emotional movie romantic and gooey go female  whatever

a normal happy go lucky person...

they get in a daredevilesque accident and this story is told camera wise from first person.

it's not a documentary type story,,

it's just filmed in a different way

this is not based on true events that i know of

i just would film it this way if i had creative control.

this person has complete loss of sight.

as soon as the accident happens they lose their vision completely and the screen goes black and you can see like shadows and hear voices and there are subtitles

but there are no like ACTUAL filming being done

the person basically falls asleep at the end of the day and dreams in full color.

 and wakes up crying

because

that's the only way they can see.


so basically they go to a "psychiatrist"

to give them sleeping pills and antidepressants

and they begin over dosing and like sleeping all day

and dreaming

and the entire rest of the movie basically goes from realistic scenes that aren't actually filmed they are just voiceovers

and imagination dreams that are basically not real and involve totally unresistic things

and the movie is VERY hard to follow and confusing and it's a mind bender

and you can't tell if he can see or not because of the drugs that he's taking you don't know if he is passed out and like so far gone that he's not dreaming and you like can't hear anything and there are muffled sounds

or like he's in an emergency room and like you hear nurses and doctors tending to him

and basically for real you don't know what is a dream

and what is a reality

but he's for sure blind....

as much as i want to

i really don't think i should go to new york

a long time ago

i had a dream that you were counting bread

now it's not that i don't think you have changed

or that you aren't really genuinely interested in me coming to your thing

and that i'm not genuinely interested

OR THAT I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GO

because I SO do.

i think it would be epic.

and it's heartbreaking for me.

i'm like humpty dumpty here.....

i'm so trying to balance myself

i really want to go

but one of the first dreams i had about you was that you were counting bread

and i that i was hired to work with you

and i kept trying to get you to notice me

and you just ignored me

and you kept counting the bread

and i know that that's a metaphor

but LATELY

i've been reminded of that dream

BY ACTUAL stale bread

idk if because the bread is stale that means you've changed....
and I SHOULD GO

and maybe you really do care about me specifically

OR MAYBE you think that i'm a measuring tool.

if you can manipulate me to travel across the country to see your show...

WHAT WOULD SOME OTHER PERSON DO?

if you could fake these feelings of longing to them...

without putting any effort in.

Well, i'm not a measurement tool.

And i'm not a piece of bread, I'm definitely not stale

AND I AM in love with you

and like legit,

i really want to see your show and i'm very confused right now

because i watched what's your number ok?

and like,
i understand that you are not your charrie

"but it doesn't have to be serious"

for you to see me down here.

it doesn't.

it really doesn't.

here is a non-serious scenario.

we met,

we "supposedly" accidentally ran into each other again and it was quite awkward.

we both have stigmas.

we want to relieve ourselves of these stigmas...

we got into a miscommunication fight online

we took time to i guess move on? from said fight. or WHATEVER.

and you just basically admit what happened to me

and i admit what happened to you

WHICH I GUESS IS WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW.

and you pop over here, and say hello for a couple of days

OR YOU DON'T.

you get my Skype number

somehow

or my phone number

and you like just call me

and we talk.

like idk the regular humans that we most definitely are not.

and i wouldn't find that creepy at all i would just be a little freaked out because i'm finally talking to you on the phone and i've been waiting all this time.

and then we just have issues defining ourselves, like.

1. do we define ourselves..
i have this need to do that...

2. we get to know each other and it makes it easier or more difficult as time goes on

3. i finally get close enough to you that you FEEL COMFORTABLE seeing me in a room. in rl.

4. it would be difficult.

i think that's why you would want me to come to your play.

and that's EXACTLY the reason i'm afraid to come to your play.

if I go to your play i'm some regular person who you don't know...

but if you come to me then i'm definitely a person that you know....

it would be a lot simpler if you happened to be in the same town as me and i happened to know you were there and like

i happened to run into you

and you happened to come up with the general idea that we go for casual coffee or to a diner which would scare the living daylights out of me.

not because you are you,

BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE um, so lovable.
to me personally.

so really i just can't imagine this whole thing actually happening

WHICH IS WHY it hasn't happened.

so i suggest

maybe you unblock me

and you possibly say something to me in a direct message?

and it could be like an icebreaker...

and then i would for sure KNOW that you were listening and i'm not talking to a blank space here.

because i'm seriously freaking myself out.

and i really have enjoyed speaking in code somewhat
but it gets old EVENTUALLY

eventually i'd really like to speak to you personally

so maybe you can cut me some slack if you are willing

and i can get in touch with reality

and if reality is

GO FUCK YOURSELF CHRISTA

then i'd like to hear you tell me that personally.

thanks.

like i'm not really going to believe that until i HEAR YOUR VOICE MATCHED WITH YOUR FACE SAYING THAT TO ME.

directly,

but i will leave you alone indirectly,

that's why i'm typing this message here and not in a note on Facebook.

xo

i'm sorry i'm just wondering

do you need a passport to travel to the moon if you aren't an american citizen??

that seems a bit ludicrous since no one is living there.

what about like, MARS?


if you had the personal tech needed to live on mars, would you need a visa to live on mars?

 LOL.

i eagerly await the day

when i can travel again

when  I can see operas and plays

and musicals

and ballets

and i will be transported around the globe as i've always dreamed i would

to go to festivals

and i would be in love

i would meet boisterous intelligent locals

who could tell me the history of the area
and i could become a lifelong friend of theirs

and i could show them my culture because

of course we live so differently

but now i think i will be stuck

devoted to farmer's almanacs

and planting things in the dirt

and harvesting crops and

milking cows twice a day

and raising livestock

and never leaving my comfort zone and instead of expanding

in compresses

and i will be so lonely there.

and that isn't what i was prepared for

life on mars alone.

stranded because i feel like and unsafe driver because of my families criticisms and
my fear

my ultimate fear that i will indeed get into another accident eventually if i move so fast

but logic tells me that everyone gets into accidents and part of life is making mistakes and

my family is overhauling me for normal problems

just because they can.

i am a good driver

sure

maybe i used to speed

but i don't anymore

sure

maybe i used to tailgate -- ok i still do that

but i don't get into accidents for tailgating unless my eyes stop functioning and that only happened once.

and i personally blame my medication.

which i was on to make my family happy.

so

no i have high blood pressure and acid reflux

so that i can "deal" with my family.

i was supposed to leave the nest

i was supposed to be successful

i was supposed to stay in pennsylvania

i was supposed to go back there and struggle after i got out of the mental hospital

but as usual i get babied and controlled and my parents bring me back to texas AGAINST MY WILL
and then don't give me money to go back to my apartment

where all my belongings are and the job that's waiting for me.

they buy me a new car

i HAVE TO SPEND 2 years living under a roof of like 8 people

and 7 animals

which was hell for me

and i had no friends and no one to turn to and they wouldn't let me leave

"i'm not responsible enough"

they say

"i'm not prepared enough"

"i'm not ready"

ok when  will i be ready because i don't think i'll ever be perfect on your time dad?

i'd like to just go....

get a 1 bedroom apartment

and figures something out..

idC if i have to live in a "home"

"christa you are going to inherit the ranch"
don't you care about it?

what about mama?

WHAT ABOUT MEE??????

everyone was doing just fine without me

i go to the hospital because they wouldn't buy me a fucking plane ticket

to go to my best friends wedding and i drive across the country avoiding hotels sleeping in my car

and then i have a psychotic break

literally there is no logic put into that plan.

my life is their fault.

ok hold on.

when i said i didn't care about your "um friends"
like i meant your fake friends.

you know
you have them

everybody

well not me

but i'm sure you probably do

has them..

i really wasn't addressing the most obviously friendly person you would be friends with.

i totally would be shocked and terrified and friendly to your um friend.

 so please don't take that as like a uh insult.

because i'm interested in your friendship

guy nights

and um,

his art.

xo

expectations

obviously

people have set tons of expectations for you

 i have just spent the last couple of minutes reading your insta comments.

people have set expectations for me too...
i mean I'm sure it's not EVEN CLOSE to the pressure you are experiencing on an hour to hour basis..

but i just want to encourage you a little.

i have no expectations for you.

you met them when i stared into your eyes the first time.

it wasn't the way you looked or the way you walked and i can't explain it but you just were the one for me

and maybe you don't like that

or maybe you do

but you were just "the one"

and i knew that and i know that people change

myself included

but i felt pressure to live up to your expectations

but right now i feel like you just want me to be happy

you want me to be alright

and life isn't perfect
and neither are you and that's ok and i know that.

i always KNEW that at some level.
i never thought you were perfect.

i thought you were a bit extreme maybe.

i think i'm extreme too.


i think if i'm bothering you, you should not come here.

but i want to encourage you to listen to yourself.

you are the one that knows your own thoughts

it's not me
it's not your mom or your family

it's not your fans or your co stars

it's not your people that you work with at your company

it's YOU

you are in charge of your life

it's not even your partner.

so if you want to be in a relationship with someone him, me, not be in a relationship at all, then you can take your precious time (though i may get annoyed lol) and you decide what is right for you!

i support you i honestly do.

you are so beautiful and
people listen to you but sometimes they confuse your attention for

AN AUDIENCE (myself included) and basically try to use you for their own devices.

people need to thank you for listening.

and you need to try to be as humble as you can be.
and thankful that you have this power over people.

but also be afraid of it because

it can go away

and it can be misused

so protect it and listen to it

and make sure you listen to your heart and your mind

and any other people that you need to listen to.

you will always be an important part of my life i decided.

you can block me.
you can push me away.

but i will always be here for you.

you can show up unexpectedly out of the blue if you need a hug and i will be here like a big teddy bear and you can just cry in my arms and i will not judge you and i will keep it a big secret.

because i'm not judging or critiquing you

i think that you are a beautiful person with so much love to give and
we all get turned around sometimes and that include me ESPECIALLY me

and sometimes i just get focused so focused on the negatives in my life i just can't see what's right in front of me.

so if you do see my value (which at one point in time i cannot deny that you did) thank you.
 i needed that and i still do

i always will from you.

you have totally changed my life course and path and my journey is headed in a different direction because of you.

so thank you.

i'm so glad because i was headed nowhere fast and i didn't see any value in myself.

and now i do.

i am worth something.

sometimes if you just smile at someone (YOUR SMILE)

it means the world to them.

they feel important.

leading them on too far is too much for a lot of people and they think they have a chance at "fame" or friendship or love or something else riches glory or whatever.

i don't want fame or glory or even riches.

i want what i need and i need love.
so that's what i want.

so i mean, i probably have that power too and i should use it more often but i'm afraid.
it's scary and maybe you know how that feels.

but once you get over that fear that day you feel amazing and you just have this rush.

it feels good.

you don't feel full of yourself.

you just feel full of life and you gave someone the help they needed that day.

that's nice.

i wish i was in a place where i could do that more often.

sometimes i just grimace because of my mental state and i probably have ruined people's moods too many times to count.

but you have helped me see that without even speaking to me.

through my delusional love for you.

which is crazy.

but helpful.

but i admit i don't have an expectation you will "come through" but i want more.
i want more than a flower.

i want more than a question.

and maybe that's selfish.

but i feel (maybe this is wrong)

that we would just work so well together as a team of some sort

and i want that

very much.

so maybe i'm not worthy of you

and maybe i'm a problem

and maybe i'm just a very confusing thing

i exist

and you exist

we both exist

and i really don't want to manipulate you ever

and i haven't tried that i remember.

so,
i really just want to know the real you.

xo

sit down, take a load off

so i'm not thinking about getting married anytime soon.

BUT IF I WAS (BECAUSE I'm a girl, we always think about these things)

I HAVE DECIDED no matter WHO i end up marrying

I'm eloping and i'm having a secret wedding with a maximum of like 40 people hopefully only about 25 people (close friends and family) at Edith Wharton's estate

here's a pic

jk

i apparently understand absolutely nothing about copyright laws.

go look at it for yourself.

(insert) oh wait you already have hahahhahahah

i want to be married in the gardens underneath the trellis and i'd like to set up a nice white tent with some tables and
i'd like to have a little strings group to play some music

and obviously a wooden makeshift dance floor for dancing

and then like a limo or like a VERY NICE cool car that is dragging like pastel cans or something and it has ribbons and balloons on the bumper

and i want a tiffany engagement ring

and wedding rings from tiffany's

and like

my two bridesmaids will get tiffany charms

and i haven't REALLY decided on a dress but i have some general ideas

i also haven't decided on like a season
or like a color scheme or anything

but i think i'd like to have a multi religious ceremony that honors jewish/christian heritage and also some new age stuff as well as long as i don't get a bad vibe

and i'd really like to go somewhere private for a honeymoon but i DEFINATELY think it would be cool to do the harry potter thing and like disneyland tokyo but i kind of also have europe calling to me and like japan (i already said that)

and like maybe a river cruise?

i really am open to options

to whoever my future husband may be but i mean like people like want to know this stuff.
and i've been seeing a whole bunch of wedding stuff in my feed.

so like yeah.
xo

so this happened....

my dad retires (or is about to)


and then he just decides to make his own business....

of course.

he won't have time to relax.

he won't have time to enjoy life.

he's going to be so busy...

he's so nervous about being "retired"
that he has to always work

last night he told me "i could have worked for another 5 years"

and i was like, no you can't and he basically lied to my face

he didn't even tell me his plan to create his own business

i think he was afraid of what i would say

i like

idk

i'm very distraught.

xo

OMG :) i have the greatest idea i have ever had

and i want it to be real so much....

but i literally have no resources


(because i never do)

and all i can do is just think of ideas.

and i have no support

financially or emotionally or basically any support at all

and i also have no connects or friends or anything that could make my idea a reality

but i will tell you my idea anyways and if you steal it i guess i already gave you permission anyways,,, but if anyone else steals it they are a thief and they don't get my forgiveness except they do because of my religion and stuff....
but i will be really mad

ok

so everybody is like well let's plan out the entire rest of our life..

it's new years let's get a calendar and you look through tons of stores looking for a calendar

you finally settle on one you like until you go on pinterest and you see all these creative people and they are like - DUDE i'm the shit i am so artistic i made my own stickers..

and you are like OMG i'm so stupid how do i make my own stickers...
and so you learn how to make your own stickers by july but by then half your planner is like totally boring so you buy a new planner come to find out that everyone else has made their own planner - the bullet journal...

and like you are so confused...

 WELL I HAVE A CUSTOMIZABLE IDEA THAT IS TOTALLY LUCRATIVE..

so you sell someone 3 sizes of planners on etsy or amazon or something.

one is A5
one is letter
and one is like idk the size of filofax or whatever

it's a package deal you buy the casing of all three but they are completely empty they come with absolutely nothing inside.

you don't buy paper packs...
you don't buy anything that comes with the planners.


BUT THERE ARE OPTIONS HERE.

you (the owner of the planning company who has "nasty" binders...

has matching and coordinating sticker packs and

REALLY nice paper and pens to go with the journals.

that are optional to buy and are not extremely expensive...

you can choose from quill and ink
ball point
or a fountain pen and there's tons of different options and
you've probably partnered with le blanc or something
the paper you can buy to go inside is a recycled brownish color and everything is like eco friendly.

safe for the environment no toxic chemicals ECT.

there's a lot of like asian influence on the decorations and stuff because that's the new fad.

SO LIKE

the paper is completely blank..

YOU SELL A PRINTER that can print all 3 sizes of paper

basically it comes with designs built into the printer.

it's a sticker maker, laminator, printer, and it can also make washi tapes.

people ARE SO Going to buy that printer.

so you're making money you are like wanting more

ok so you are selling accessory packs inspired by different cultures religions

and stuff for people who don't have enough money for the printer.

Maybe you sell a smaller printer for people to buy the off brand paper that fits in the filofax sized journal (but a lot of people will just want it for a sketch pad

i mean you can sell artist quality paper that people can take out and use this holder over and over again and basically just take out the paper and store it somewhere else...

you sell graph paper (recycled)
you sell sticker paper
you sell magnet paper
you sell laminating paper
you sell photo paper
you sell tape rolls to print a design on a whole role of tape.

obviously people want to choose between a laser printer and an ink printer so they need that option

so i mean brother is probably the way to go because basically the make sewing machines and they are like gorgeous printers.

i mean people on ETSY are going to have a frenzy.

you can maybe even make sewing designs using this thing.
photoshop and adobe stuff

like the possibilities are endless.

you might be wondering at this point

how a small town girl like me could just "know" all of this stuff about you

the answer is

i don't.

if you don't believe me

why don't you ask your friend edward to stalk me

and my complete internet history

and maybe then you'll get the truth...

but i can't promise you you'll like everything you will find.

wait a second...

were you involved in a hit and run?

because that is what I'm inferring here.

i'm wondering if you were the hitter or the runner.

or maybe you weren't involved in a hit and run.

maybe you just are using the accident as fuel for those scenes....

i don't know enough to say for sure....

but i feel like maybe you have this thing with cars....

and drivers.

and accidents.

and drinking.

let me ask you something

do you believe in time travel?






i do.

there is absolutely nothing in this world that makes sense to me.

why would i regret a life altering moment?

how could i if i don't know where it would have led me?

my fantasy

my rape scene

how i would film it if i was directing it

an attractive boy gets me high on a bong and starts a "philosophical discussion"

i'm really into it i'm so innocent and i've never been high before

i'm already drunk and i'm like laughing and smiling

but my body starts slowing down and i'm tripping out

i get on the bed in his bedroom

a trip shot of him telling me to be quiet (shhhhh)

i'm like dead on his bed  i can't talk i can't move and i'm having my own trip

separate from what he's talking about.

he starts removing clothes off of my body but i can't talk

during the trip i (unknown to the audience i can't talk or move because i yell NO stop I don't want to do this)

but then the shot shows the truth, i'm lying on the bed still and i can't talk or move

and he starts having sex with me and i look like a dead body

and he's groaning and moaning and i'm just like a corpse basically

i'm not moving or making a noise

BUT MY THOUGHTS ARE SO LOUD

stop no stop

don't do this

i finally whisper "no"

but he doesn't hear me because he's ejaculating

luckily he's wearing a condom

but AFTER HE GETS OFF OF ME

i'm just laying still for like 20 minutes and he's talking to "me"

and i'm just tripping out

like not moving

and tears are coming out of my eyes and he doesn't notice or doesn't care

and i can't move and snot's coming out of my nose and he's like

Christa that's so gross
ugh you are ruining the mood

and i want to punch him but i can't because i'm so high

i'm numb

so when i finally move a finger

i slowly gain control over my body i put my clothes on my body i'm very cold

and i get in my car and i cry so hard

and then

i drive home after almost getting in several wrecks...

and people tell me that was consensual several times in conversations i have later.

because i chose to smoke the pot but i told them i didn't agree to have sex and they weren't there

and i'm very defensive and
they just say that it's very "up in the air"

and difficult to discuss
and they just really don't want to talk about my sex  life

end

wow.

i'm thinking about that night.
that night when star trek played with the symphony.
were you there?

like i mean

you had a person i would most actually recognize and def want to be friendly with waiting by the door to tell you EXACTLY who i arrived with...

hahaha i'm such a retard.

did you think i would come alone?

i couldn't do that.

do you realize that i could have easily been like kidnapped or something if i had?

i have no one to go with

my parents are LITERALLY going out of town

I'm barely taking care of myself

I'm depressed so much
I'M SO EXCITED about this show

and literally it's the best experience i've like almost ever had in my life

and yet i have to block it out my mind

BC I LITERALLY GO TO IT WITH THE WORST DATE I HAVE EVER BEEN ON IN MY LIFE

my "so called date" realizes that you may actually legitimately have a crush on me so he like starts drinking at the bar and ruins the whole experience for me because he's a junkie and then he tries to like ask me to come back to his house and be his whore again and i'm like FUCK NO GREG WE ARE JUST FRIENDS and that was a friend date I HAD LITERALLY no one else to turn to you owed me a favor.

so i was not with him
i had literally no feelings for him

and he was desperate for sex, alcohol, and drugs

and he hated every second of that night

and i loved the performance and i felt alone and i should have just either NOT GONE AT ALL
or gone by myself and like

basically

idk been pathetic

but the point is

i didn't think that really meant anything to you

because the only thing he was

was a seat filler to me

and he was annoying me literally the whole time

and he was driving drunk

and i got lost downtown and he almost got in a wreck and we drove separate cars

and when  i thought about going home with him

like i think i did because i felt like shit after

i think he tried to RAPE ME AGAIN
and i fled
so it REALLY


didn't work out for me at all.


so...

that was my lovely experience.

i have to turn to previous rapists to be my horrible dates when i'm in trouble and i literally don't anymore and i'd rather just be with my parents

BC of that legitimately BULLSHIT experience.

that i LEGITIMATELY almost completely forgot about

and I didn't think you were there though I had sensed your presence

and i thought i was imagining things

because i looked for you everywhere

and i couldn't find you.

so

yeah


i really appreciate the free tickets.

if that was like a gift from you..

that was great.

i wish i had a better time because it wasn't your fault.

the mess i made was my fault not yours and i learned that maybe i shouldn't be so stupid and desperate and pathetic.

and what i should do....

is just like

idk pretend i have a life

which would be a lie

but you know maybe you'd at least stop worrying about me for 5 seconds possibly.

oh my gosh

so i started watching the first episode of heroes...

and like
it's like i have been channeling the characters/
and i didn't know it because i haven't watched it in so long.

the last time i watched the first episode was when i had my psychological break and i guess my mind was really weakened so i took on their personalities or something and they really like made an impression on me.

i learn everything from tv and movies

and like i honestly didn't know the things i was saying

WERE The exact things

that the characters were saying.

i have no explanation.

maybe you think i've made this whole thing up and i'm messing with you and i'm just playing a game.

but that's not true.

i'm mentally ill.

i'm crazy.

i lost it after i met you and i've been trying to find my way back ever since.

so.

that's the closest thing to an explanation that i can come to.

like maybe i should just stop watching everything that you are in for eternity but i don't want to but like i don't think that i would have been so influenced by it if it didn't mean something to me.

so.

mhm.

xo

the guilt trip

won't work on me.

people can be starving.

people can be like really sad

people can be like really obsessed and miserable.

people can be tortured.

i have felt all of those emotions before and i assume way worse....
(probably)

and removing a show from netflix is not going to affect me in any way.

what might affect me that won't actually happen.

you whipping someone and causing someone or myself physical pain or punishment

you torturing someone

you threatening someone else or myself with physical pain
or lack of food

doing something illegal to yourself or someone else

threatening your own self with pain emotional or physical.

i'm really sorry if i'm making you unhappy because i don't want to do that.

but i think what would honestly make us both really happy because of the actions that are currently happening are for you to declare your feelings (hate, disdain, ignorance, love, passion, annoyance whatever to me)

and then for us to cuddle IN PERSON
and watch the show TOGETHER.

because that's not like a threat.
it's a fantasy that i fall asleep to
almost every night.
so like just because some peeps are upset about not being able to watch the show

i don't really care i'm sorry.

if people knew the truth about your feelings (my assumption of them)
and the actual truth about your actions (my assumption of them)
and what i wanted
how long i have wanted it
how long i have been waiting
and the depth of my physical and emotional pain

for a gain

i think that maybe you would understand why i don't really care.
but i'm not leaving
and i'm not choosing no one
i will continue waiting
as i am doing rn.\

and what i mean by gain - i mean EMOTIONAL GAIN.

one of the things i love so much

about you

is that you can almost pull of anything
like a cheesy line
something so corny

and you can make it so SERIOUS

that's incredibly hard

i mean maybe i would laugh if i was there
i don't know
i wonder about that a lot

if i was with you

and i was having this serious moment

and i was enjoying it

and i wanted to be serious

like, if you did something corny and sensitive and you were crying and opening your heart to me....
like how would i take that?

because i could hardly stand like 4 seconds of it before i ran away.

you know normally i'm the one people run away from.

i'm the sensitive earnest person who bears their soul to people and they just say

Christa, i think you need to get checked out because i don't think you are making sense right now.

 and i don't think they say that because i'm not making sense.

they say that because they can't physically or emotionally take it

and they literally don't have the guts to admit that i'm right and tell me the truth - I can't handle you.

so here i am now.
alone.
by myself.

and anytime i want a friend i have to be at least 50% fake.

you know but i see you and i think

he has like 100 billion percent more emotional depth than me and he bares himself and
almost all of it to the world and he's happy or sad
or confused

and maybe not everyone is like me

able to see it

because it is hard to see and believe or take

i do understand.

people are scared of that honesty.

you know but i see that and i think he's a kindred spirit he knows what i'm going through and like
maybe i like his friends but while they can act all they want like they know really know what he's talking about they are full of shit which is the exact reason that the probability is high that he thinks that this random texas girl is full of shit because what claim on you do i really have.

nothing at all.

so

apparently i've spent at least 32 hours of your time on that damn playlist.

i think when i reach 49
i'll be like zq2 if i think about it

1. because damn that's like way too much stuff on one list
2. because i can't guarantee you are like still looking at it.
3. it's got to be semi boring by now
4. even though like, i still like listen to it, i need like, more space to be pathetic at.
5. so i think like 49 hours is enough on one playlist

i just hope i don't like copy some of the "necessities onto the other playlist.

i want it to be completely separate.

and i really wish i was dreaming and sleeping right now and not awake being pathetic, thinking of your absence (eternal) from my life, and making a stupid playlist to describe how painful it is.

so like because like i discovered that the other "people's playlists"

were like WAY shorter than yours was
even though i had spent much more time in person with them and genuinely more time obsessing about them before i had met you

like, i can genuinely say that i had no expectation of what was going to happen when i met you.

so like

it was completely not thought or pre-planned.

i was just like ok wow he's going to be 5 hours away and i have the chance to be in the same room with him.

i should defiantly attempt to go
that might be exciting
i might get the opportunity to make myself known to him

OMG what if he hates me?
OMG what if he ignores me?

OMG what if i become his dirty slut because he's a famous person who uses people and feels like i'm a piece of shit... k well i'll cross that bridge if/when i do/don't come to it...

OMG what if he genuinely likes me?
i was least expecting that

i still don't know if you do

OMG what if i don't know what will happen after he leaves because of my regular history of understanding and obsessing of people.

well i didn't think i would have an intimate relationship with you that would LAST 4 YEARS.....
like how likely is that.
not very likely.

wow i'm so convinced

that you wanted me to do the cultural activity

and i had such a good time

and while i didn't make any like "friends"

i had a lot of interesting conversations

and i had fun.

so thank you for my delusional motivation

that made me do a semi-positive thing.

it was wonderful :)
yay

the show must go on

so i was trying to go to sleep like i always do and like usually
you just popped into my dreamlike state as i was half asleep half awake

and i was thinking about how i felt about you and what i want

and i really just wanted to "envelop you"
those were my exact thoughts
"i want to be an envelope and wanted you to come inside the envelope"
and then i realized that was actually sex
i wanted you to be inside me.

and that i never actually had never really wanted that exact thing before specifically,

i mean sure i mean i had considered the idea

but i had never been that serious about it

like i thought when we first met that you might want me to be your surrogate or your whore or something, and then it took me awhile to get over that and realize i deserved better than that.

even if it was you or it was a permanent situation
i deserved love

because i was in love with you then

i wanted you to love me back

and now i just have this feeling that you might even if you are holding it inside
and you have been all this time and it's growing bigger and bigger.

you know i might be psychotic.

but i'm not evil.

and i want to be as in control as i can possibly be.

and if i think you are normal to me.
and i'm not obsessed.

and you don't think of yourself as a higher person than me

you have less of a chance of being like
killed by any psychos
including me

 because recently i've been hearing the word psycho a lot.

and i'm worried about becoming more psycho.

it's scary.

like what if i'm making all of this up and

one day i walk down the street and i see you and i start talking about all this bullshit and you have got no freaking clue what i'm talking about.

yeah.

that's a scary thought for me.

i have to make something clear

while ferris bueller's day off is 100% completely and truly enjoyable

and it seems to resemble my life and be my inspiration

it's been like 10 years since i've watched it until today.

everything i've said is pretty much completely true

i'm not THAT manipulative

and i'm definitely not scandalous and like hateful the way that ferris + crew is.

SO.

i'm just trying to say that while it would be fun to play pranks on people like that,

that's not what i've been doing or have even thought of doing..

i'm pretty much not in control of my emotions and i LITERALLY change personalities and

I AM CREATIVE
 I DO CHANGE

  I AM LITERAL

I AM AWKWARD FOR REAL

I AM DIFFICULT

and if that lowers your opinion of me i'm sorry because i can't change who i am to who i would like to be then i'm sorry.

i wish i was more in control

but i'm not playing

i'm going with the flow
and i just make things up as i go along.

yeah.
xo

but if the question is

can i handle a boyfriend who everyone loves like i do and is obsessed with..

i'm pretty sure that i accepted that a long time ago.

i've just accepted the fact that i'm lucky to be confused by you...

and back to the whole first meeting thing...

your question was it worth it.

it wasn't just worth it because i got to see you.
fall in love
and feel my heart come out of my chest

it was worth it because it was art.

and i'm not lying.

it was a good project.

it's just a hard thing for me to watch because i identify with it so much

but i believe in the company
i believed in the movie

i believed in you SO MUCH MORE after seeing the movie

and it was funny
and you were just so serious

i was confused.
and i am.

xo

i came up with a funny haha

b.c.

a.z.

lol....


so if you know someone and you are just trying to explain something

you can use those little letters for the down low.

i just can't wait anymore

fantasies aren't real.

this isn't real.

so i should just go ahead and give in and watch season 4..
maybe i can just understand what the big deal is
 or maybe  can go fuck myself

or maybe i should go die
or maybe i should just go to sleep

yeah i'm gonna do that.

sorry for the false alarm.


xoxoxxoxo

so i'm guessing

that it might have taken you a lot more time to process what actually happened.

like you might still be processing it.

i know this, BECAUSE i am still processing it.

rn.

but i don't think we would be if like i supposedly got into a hit and run (which by the way never happened)

i think everything would just be a lot simpler if we just explained this to ourselves by admitting that i'm mentally ill and instead of explaining this through secret code like we've been doing we actually tell the true story of what happened, and like HERE AND NOW CHRISTA SLOAN GIVES PERMISSION FOR HER CHARACTER TO BE USED BUT DOES NOT GIVE PERMISSION FOR HER NAME TO BE USED and she definitely does not give permission for you to have "creative licensing with her actual person/ persona" if you use me, you tell the truth about your perspective of what happened doing as much research necessary to be as accurate and honest as possible with name changes and adding as few characters as necessary in order to tell the story

that is if you want to tell the story.

so if you feel the need to tell the story i don't know why you didn't approach me a long time ago.

what you think i'm going to say no?

why would a person like me say no to that opportunity...

just like think about that for a second...

i get the opportunity to show proof to everyone that my story is true.

my emotional battle is real,, i have a valid reaction and i'm really going through some confusing times right now

i'm an artist.

whatever


but i mean there are some things that would have to be added on your side of the story to make it more interesting and it would have to be like obviously told from your perspective...

i think it might be interesting for me and for you for the camera to be looking at my character when you look at me...

so when you look at me, i look straight at the camera, and like, if i was to be typing something it would be the camera basically directly looking at the text not looking at you looking at it almost always unless it was like a  phone or something (which like we don't text... anyways

also i don't think this story should be basically centered around me.

because it's not my life story that i'm telling.

if you ever tell that you will have to get to know me and my family a lot better and you will have to have conversations and look at pieces of my past and i will have to go meet my cousins in georgia and stuff.

not saying that i want a piece to be made about me at all.

i'm just saying i've been watching all this stuff and it FEELS like you really want to tell this story.

it FEELS like this really matters to you.
and i maybe would know more if i knew what happened at your broadway shows.

obviously i haven't read the glass menagerie yet so i mean i was just like you know i can't do it.
i mean i have no idea what your plans
are

i don't have any plans.

maybe that is what really bothers you about me.

MY INTENTION at this moment if i could have anything right now would be for you to call me and announce your intentions.
if you have them.

see i have noticed like this really interesting pattern.

i start like coming up with ideas, brainstorming "being pretty specific"

and then like i forget all about my ideas a couple of months later obVIOUSLY

and then like all of a sudden there is an announcement for your "new project'

which i'm def excited about

and  then all of a sudden i get really sick or something

i've fallen ill

which is legit

and then i finally watch it

and i'm putting together the pieces which is very difficult

and then like idk i am like

wow....
and nobody believes me.

but just so i can be completely clear it's not a sugarcoated hollow act and i'm not like being fake
and i may be VERY MANIPULATIVE
that's true.

but i do pretty much speak the truth like 99.9% of the time.
i may twist it to my advantage but like you know...
everybody does so i think i have like
an excuse?

idk

i would just like you to find like one more "REALER" person than me that you LEGITIMATELY have real feelings for and they are beautiful and amazing and i believe it.

no i don' want to challenge you i think you would win

but i mean for real

i don't think that you would easily be able to do that..

it's not about resentment.

i don't resent you for your relationship
i resent you for not talking to me

i can just hear you so loudly quietly muttering this out loud processing this.

xo

just in case ANYONE was wondering

my phone just like ran out of power.

i don't know who exactly i was talking to

but i was enjoying the conversation

and i wanted to continue having it

but apparently the online version of instagram you can't chat with your "friends"

so whatever.

but it was interesting i didn't wake up at 10:30 i woke up at 11:00

so i guess i'm waking up later and later

and whoever i was talking to said their life was really boring

so if that was anyone that mattered to me and i assume it was because they were really interesting to me

partially because it felt relevant to my life
and partially because they knew when to message me exactly?

anyways

it was nice to wake up to a message nonetheless.

i wonder, have you already decided that we are incompatible??
do you know more about me than i know about you?

that's interesting...

the entire world decided that about me.

i wanted you to be different.
i still do.
xo
 ps. i guess it's not even remotely close to you who i am talking to you and it's just a giant coincidence they messaged me at that time and it's someone from my past.

oh.

now what do i do.

i don't want to be haunted by the ghosts of my past, but i suppose that's "what i am to you"

the placebo effect

that's def not what it is.

1. it wouldn't have lasted  this long

2. my preconceived notion was that you might answer my question not that you might notice me and think i was special and that you would fall in love with me and i would fall so in love with you that i would literally break into a million pieces.

3. we are a lot a like from what i can tell and i didn't think that before we met.

 before we met i didn't have any idea of what you might be like or that you were a sensitive man

yeah i suppose

that i'm just full of shit..
i love you and shit.
i'm a fucking psycho bitch who can't get over my delusions for more than an hour literally.

whatever.

i guess I'm just going to continue piecing together what happened after you said to me, "thank you for coming"

and i guess you aptly removed the line "thank you for inviting me"

because you didn't actually mean to?

it was sincerely an accident and you were legit mad that i was there and that i went into the bathroom and it was dramatic and corny and horrible

and just terrible all around for everyone

and i'm still not over it.

and it was not cool.

LIKE was the issue about the production for that movie because he ruined the bathroom scene for you?

it was dunZo.
 you thought you had creative control and he snatched it away.

ok well i will watch that other movie and give thanks

because i swear it is a good thing/

i just i wasn't thinking of it in relation to you.

or myself
i was thinking of it as like A COMEDY

in general
in relation to mass media.

so yeah I'm like not be comparative here and i wasn't being judge if that's what you thought.

i literally can't shut up you need to come here and

ok my fantasy is starting

you take the computer away quite forcefully

 and you have duct taped my mouth after you have told me to shut up but you change your mind because you realize that you DO IN FACT want to kiss me and you can't because there is duct tape on my mouth and i'm beneath you on this bed and you have basically just started booming like a full body weight on top of me after you took away the computer and you were mad because either i was typing SO LOUDLY (true past relationship with my ex)
or i wouldn't shut up in real life (true past relationship with my ex)

all this fantasy shit is made up though except for my loud typing and the argument about me typing in the middle of the night and then me talking on the phone

see you are trying to sleep (or my ex boyfriend was)

ANYWAYS
i don't want to be with him i want to be with you

so you rip the duct tape off and you touch my lips with your finger as you stare me in the eyes


and you tell me sweet somethings not sweet nothings because there's absolutely no point in this story if it means nothing

anyways you move in for the kiss which is difficult for you and i can tell on camera (if this is something you choose to do on camera)
anyways i mean i'd really rather you do this to me for real but i mean if you really need to just do this on camera then just do it

but whatever

i'll just keep going with my story

so you lean in and then i kiss you back and we are fully clothed and so i just am sort of having a make out session with you

and YOU are the one who stops and YOU are the one who asks me a question and you apologize for telling me to shut up and you say

yeah i'm bipolar and i get it i don't really talk about my mental illness a lot because it makes me feel inferior but i am so there and then you curl up on the other side of the bed "ashamed of your admission"

 and then i come over and massage your shoulders and this clearly affects you as the camera is facing you

and then basically i tell you that everything is fine and all is forgiven and i will always love you

and there is just nothing you can do to make me change my mind because we are both very stubborn and i already knew you were bipolar

(i don't really know if you are bipolar this is just my fantasy)

anyways i do KNOW that you are stubborn

anyways we like cuddle hug and kiss and then popcorn MAGICALLY just appears out of nowhere with some old fashioned disney smoke and we just start watching tv and laughing and we are still clothed in the bed and

we whisper things into each others ears

and we just laugh and it's a black and white mickey mouse original

and we are just so happy it's gross

and we are throwing popcorn into each other's mouths and skunk randomly hops onto the bed and makes himself VERY comfortable and then NOAH appears and is like oh i live here too and then the weirdest thing happens HAROLD comes out from under the bed and is just looking at you like MEOW???

 and so like

it's the next scene and we are in the kitchen and we are talking about a party or dinner party or cultural event that involve us and our mutual friends who lead drama filled lives who i assume are "girls"

and so

the animals are just wandering around the kitchen and we are just living a kitchen scene similar to many previous "girly" kitchen scenes but it's just you and i

and we are eating like tomatoes and like mozzarella and hummus and like some sort of celery and like weird middle eastern dishes maybe like some indian food or something idk but the hummus is definitely there. i'm definitely eating a stick of celery with my hummus and it's very obvious and you are like, "so do you like the hummus?" and i'm like, "are you joking, of course i like your hummus!"
and of course i know that this will become a future inside joke if we ever meet because i will tease you about this for a long time.
and a funny thing that could happen which is like my nephews trademark is that he takes my glasses off my face without even like asking (he's 3) and like tries them on... and like i think that the specific glasses that you wore in the previous episode would look good on MR and so

i think that it would be funny if she just like yanked them off your face while you were reading the paper or something and you're just like, "what the hell?" and she's like, "you know we have the same prescription!" and you are like ," you need to get your own glasses..." and she just says, "but i just like wearing your glasses better though. i mean do they look good on me A?" and you just smile and kiss her in your glasses.

i think that would be very relatable.
and you need to bring the toothbrush back

because what will happen if you film this is

MR if you are a future couple that really exists -though she said she chose no one, she can't stay alone forever... she will go back to you eventually because you will end up the only single character.

and she is happy with you and you haven't explored your relationship to her.

SO....
you will live together and it would be like old times but this time IT IS different for her because she is thinking about being serious and you aren't

i mean A not you...

anyways

so she is testing waters with you by borrowing your boxers and your t shirts and your toothbrush.

not the one you chew all day - that's too far over the line, but she takes your regular toothbrush and she lost hers and she is like brushing her teeth with it.

and you are like kind of possessive about your toothbrushes.

if you had lost that yellow one, you would take the one you had at home and it would be your new reg tb.

and so now she is like well i need it and there is a stupid pointless argument about toothbrushes and so MR has a panic attack and somebody gets called to go to the drugstore (Hannah) to buy toothbrushes and bring them to the apartment.

and like she wants to share everything with you and be with you all the time.. i mean she's the one paying the rent and she's buying your clothes and she's buying the food so she feels entitled

you secretly like this
her controlling your life but it does occasionally get stifling which is WHEN my fantasy gets called in.

so i literally think this is good and i'm proud of this and i didn't work hard on this at all.
literally it just popped into my head and i think that is what art is supposed to do and i think that is what MR needs to explain to the world. whether you are there or not.

but i'd really like to see a throwback smile at one point not the point of homicide but like i'm gonna get you adam and you're not going to know what hit you because i'm the A around here and like you don't matter in MR's head... i'll fight to the death for her and what you don't know is that he already moved on.

so it will just be funny

and i can really tell that you actually wrote part of that and i commend you on that.
i can feel your writing coming through even if it's just like a line suggestion or an action or something like i can feel that was him and not someone else saying that sometimes.
i have lost complete track of time and i have no idea what day it is i just know it's january 2016.
i don't remember like when we met or like what month it was or what year it was i thought it was 4 years ago but  maybe it was only 3.
i'm very confused.

xo