if i were going to

look in the pensieve

and purposefully draw out one memory

to experience again

i don't know if i could really choose just one

there are so many i'd love to repeat

but not change

i'd just like to feel them again

over and over

the exact same way

i don't have regrets

i don't want to be on a different path

but i'm so sad

i'm so freaking sad

and i can't blame anyone

i think it's just a phase

i want to blame you but i can't do that to you

i don't own you

i have no ties to you though i would really love to claim you

you never called

you never wrote

you never asked me for anything

so no

even though i feel connected to you

and you are my other half

and half of me is missing

and i know what you are thinking

i can't do that to you

i can't blame you for my situation

i'm not your problem

i'm in this mess

and it's mine to clean up

and no one loves me

and i suppose i am just unlovable

i mean obviously

you didn't show me love though i have admitted about a thousand times that i love you

and i spent $100 on your present

and my dad yelled at me and he took it away

and i never gave it to you
i never got the chance

he said, "if he comes around here and treats you like a lady i'll give it back to you and you can give it to him"

and i was heartbroken.

because i couldn't even hang on to it

all i have is my coke and a pin

i won't even open the pin

it's on my bookshelf

and i won't drink the coke

you have no idea how many times i just wanted to drink it

and i have the show

i wanted to watch it but i made a promise that i would wait

however long it took

no one cared anyways

i tried to date my ex

and it worked for like 2 weeks

he was the first guy i took to my ranch

and we have SO MUCH in common

and i make him laugh and i make him feel so much

i make him cry

and he doesn't like it

he wants to live a simple life working at chicken express banging chicks

we didn't have sex

i don't think that we still have the same physical chemistry that we once had

that's very hard to find.

you have to take weeks to work up to it

the perfect moment

you can't just rush into things

and i have been waiting years for you to just CALL

i feel like you despise me

you resent me

you can't talk to me

you have all these emotions you don't want to work out and confront

you love to lie to yourself

i mean i don't know that but it seems that way

you hate that i make you feel things real things

you'd rather just watch the kardashians and ignore what's inside

complain to your therapist about your daily stress

and just be happy go lucky

have no problems whatsoever.

i wish i could do that.

i envy you.

you're so lucky you can get by that way

how happy you must be

feeling normal.

agreeing with everyone,

how nice.

what an enjoyable party.

how nice you must get invited to so many parties and events.

everyone loves you because you just go along with everything they say to you.

i've always wished i could do that.

i cause scenes.

i make a commotion.

i embarrass people.

i'm not a daisy.

i'm not even a sunflower.

i'm a goddamn like

fuckin.

tulip.

cherry blossom or some shit.

i'm a bonsai tree.

no

i'm a friggin california redwood

the truth is no matter how many times i will tell you i'm fuckin done.

i'm not done.

this isn't over.

it's not ever going to be over.

it's not even over WHEN you say it's over.

it will never ever be OVER.

and i have to deal with that.

because eternity is a long fuckin time.

and i'm not placing a label on this,

i'm not saying like kiss me fuck me love me or whatever.

i'm not saying friends or whatever

i'm just saying

connection

you me and him.

bang.

xo