i like safari

because i like trust,

and with trust,

comes respect. and with respect,

comes more and more love.

and doting compliments.

it's not that i don't want to be open about my life,

it's just that i think i should choose who and when and where and stuff to be open about my life.

and google doesn't allow that.

that's what my blog is for!

v for vendetta

watching it for the first time.

i've seen the ending so many times, but i've never seen it in order.

it's a beautiful film.

i'm going to watch it again!

i never realized how true it really is.

you can love something you don't understand.

or someone.

someone you don't know.

it doesn't matter.

it doesn't matter how close you are.

one small turn of events and you fall in love for eternity,

the rest of it doesn't matter.

nothing else.

you don't need evidence, that's only the fear talking.

there's no need to be afraid.

and i'm not.

i will die for love.

amanda bynes

let us not forget

you may be suffering

and that may be for your art.

but there are other people suffering too.

now i don't want to put pressure on you.

but i would like you to recover whether you ever get a job again or not.

YOU HELPED ME SURVIVE MIDDLE SCHOOL

you helped people become famous

you ARE AN IMPORTANT irreversible fixture in people's minds

and like britney spears A BEAUTIFUL RECOVEREE

you can also recover.

i believe that you

maculay 

shia 

lindsay
and anyone else that might need help

may ask for it

words from jk rowling

important words to remember.

it's your choice

you are in control of your recovery

SURE the media makes fun of you

people are making fun of me

i might be crazy

and i might have diabetes

and people might feel better about themselves because of your problems.

BUT NOT ANYMORE

you will pick yourself up

and you will be a strong woman

because i saw "she's the man"

and it changed my life

I'M SERIOUS

and i saw mean girls

and i saw the parent trap

and i saw just my luck

SERIOUSLY?
 chris pine?
that was a good movie.

the olson twins

elizabeth olson

your future starts now

you can be anything you want to be

it's inevitible

death.

hopefully i won't kill anyone.

including myself.

but love.

that's what is important in life.

the bravest thing you can do is love.

i wanted you to visit me.

i wanted you to pick me up.

i wanted you to catch me when i fall.

i wanted you to find me.

you are still the most important thing to me.

i thought.

what if i didn't wait forever...

what would that be like.

but after last nights events and watching girls tonight.

i realized...

it's inevitable.

i love you and there's nothing you can do to stop me from loving you.

you can do drugs.

you can have ocd.

you can lie on public television.

you can journey to south american to be "healed by some bullshit shamaan"

you can pretend to care about people you hardly know to do god knows what

and you can make money off my ideas without giving anything back.

and i can go for the rest of my life without any attention from you (that is not a challenge)

i'm so weak.

i'm so tired.

my mind is so exposed.

and my body is lonely as is the rest of me.

i want to be faithful.

yes.

i love other people from my past.

and you can cuss me out and you can literally do anything in the book to make me look stupid and push me away i don't care.

i love you.

i'm brave.

i'm not going to kill anyone.

if i was going to kill anyone it would have already happened.

but it hasn't and i decided i'm not going to.

i have big plans.

and they involve dreaming big and being happy and you and i and maybe other people too

but i can't be happy forever without you.

there is no i in team.

and i want a team.

and there is no us without you.

and i'm a me.

i don't want to be a me.

i want to be an us.

or a them.

i mean i saw how one day affected you

imagine if i acted like that for years.

or weeks.

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU..

I BELIEVE IN US.

WE WILL FIND HOPE.


i don't care about your misdirection or your bad choices.

i am here for you and i will be here for you until your death.

so please.

choose me.

be with me.

come to me.

i'm not asking you to leave anything behind.

i'm just asking you to contact me.

i'm asking you to tell me you care.

i don't care if life pushes back

or you are scared and this is the first time you've ever been scared.

let me tell you something.

I'M not scared of this.

i'm scared of freddy vs jason

i'm scared of bugs and snakes and stuff

i bet you aren't scared  of that

i was scared when you jumped me by surprise.

i bet you were scared when i jumped you by surprise.

let's stop jumping each other by surprise because i want this to work and if it really matters to you you've got to stop making it scary.

i'm not scared of you bugging my phone or creating a fake account

or you cheating on me

if it was an accident

i'm not scared of changing

because of love

and i'm not scared of deep conversations and long distances

and crying over the phone because we can't immediately be together.

i'm not scared of that.

i'm scared of this never beginning.

i'm scared that you don't care at all

i'm scared that you are using me because i'm a little toy to you

you and i are scared of different things just like we love in different ways and if you want me to love you the way you want me to love you.

then you have GOT to be open enough to start a friendly conversation.

i can't just keep exchanging small words with you on words with friends.

i mean if you need to just send me a message on twitter, then create a twitter account and tell me you are zachary and dm me, and i will have no evidence that it's you i'll just know it's you.

for real.

PLEASE JUST TRUST IN THE UNIVERSE.

i know that i might be scary.

you know no one believes me.

i think my therapist believes me.

but i don't think anyone else believes me.

i think you believe me.

i think you believe me about everything.

and you know what the only thing i want from you is love.

what love gives you, is free access is my ideas.

i know that you value them.

i don't think you would lie to me about your love for me just so that you could have my ideas.

i think you really care.

if you didn't care, everyone would know who i was for 15 minutes.

and then i would just be gone with the wind.

people are seen

i see you

la poeme

my head
thoughts, turn, spinning
i only think of you
dreams, you come back like lead
don't dread

jab stab
get up keep moving, don't be weak
who are you? pathetic
worthless no one
don't fight

sex chair
you had sex here?
who made you cum here boy?
who do you belong to? no one
i'm free

one wish
you don't know it
power and control now
no fear no loss no weakness BOSS
you're mine

i was confused

i met zachary at the premiere of breakup at a wedding

i was touched by the film

i thought it was hilarious

but i forgot most of what happened

and then i saw him again in pennsylvania and i had a panic attack and i couldn't focus on the film

i had a freakout in kentucky

i had really not watched the film sanely since the incident in kentucky

i watched the film tonight

and what happened to me

what i did

when i went crazy

were things that happened in the film

this could make someone like zachary think that i was doing these things for attention

i didn't do these things for attention

i didn't choose to do these things at all

i went full on psycho and didn't understand my own identity yet alone the time or place or reality

i have mental illness

not an attention problem

sure

i would love to just find an easy solution to get zachary to notice me

but i'm not stupid enough to do something illegal and risk going to jail in order to get it

i have a problem and what happened to me was something that happened within the recesses of my subconsious