oh dear

i have done something naughty.

well, of course you see, since my intellectual property was stolen, i have decided to make wonderful beautiful artful youtube videos.

you see, i don't have the means or the connections necessary to make my own films...

so you see, i have to "borrow" some footage from some very meaningful materials that other people supposedly "own" just because they somehow  recorded it.

and rehearsed it using other people's bodies and costumes and props and makeup.

personally philosophically speaking i don't really think that means you OWN anything

even music, it was written by one person, it was sung by another and the back up was like done by another and mixed by another and it was distributed by someone else .

so really the whole like well i own this and this is my art and you can't use it argument is stupid and immature.

so i have borrowed it and used it in my trip down memory lane which i personally think is quite adorable.

and i haven't "Taken" it you can still USE It and technically it's not like I have the master or anything.

so this is a whole bunch of BOLOGNE and bulhonkey.

so you tube needs to change it's terms of service so that i can continue being a fan.

because as it is now i can't really just record myself anymore.

which under the youtube bylaws i would "own" that material but i really don't do I because philosophically speaking even my body isn't mine and we really don't need to be attached to all of this stuff.

let's save the planet and shit.

who gives a fuck about copyright.

i'm not torrenting materials.

i've spent thousands of dollars on these movies of y'alls and there should be some appreciation for that. an homage.

so yes. i think i should have the freedom of expression to make a fucking video.

thank you.

i just realized something

leonardo can't get an oscar.

i can't have true love.

and zachary can't have a father.

and each of those things are equally weighted in sadness for us all.

love letters

my own father accused me of being a stalker.

this morning my mother told me that we were going to "have a family meeting" to put my grandmother in hospice.

i don't think it's time for her to die.

i think my parents want to kill her.

i'm not going to the meeting.

my friend lied to me I think.

that is very dishonorable.

why can't people be honest with each other.

why is that so scary.

if my dad would be honest and confront himself he would just tell his sister that he can't bear to take care of her anymore.

or my cousin.

maybe it's someone else's turn.

just because he's exhausted doesn't mean she has to die.

i mean my sister already killed my cat.

why does she have to be responsible for my grandmother's death too?

if we are really being honest here she would blame me.

because of my mental illness, that's the reason she constantly needs a boyfriend.

and a puppy

and a kitten

and a baby

and a wedding

and she can't visit my grandmother because it's too stressful.

and she can't go to therapy because she doesn't have an illness.

and no one will take my side because i'm a psycho stalker.

so i had the ODDEST dream

it felt REAL. I COULD FEEL EVERYTHING, i thought it was actually happening.
every detail realized.

OMGGGGGG.

i just woke up.

so i was having a conversation with my mom.

my mom is in the next room. it's very plausible that i could have converstaion with my mom. but i wasn't actually having a converstaion with my mom.

i was telling her that i needed to go to new york very badly and it was of vital importance that i see your play.

she was really worried about it and she didn't see how it could work.

and i was just like mom, you can't stop me.

 I AM GOING.

so i got on a plane, and then a train, and then somehow i was in the audience.

i don't remember the play, but i wouldn't would i... haha

i just remember that after the play we went out for beers.

to celebrate my arrival

you told me you didn't think i was going to come,

i told you i didn't think i was coming either.

we got wrapped up in this love affair where i specifically remember taking showers with you and you spanking my but and us having sex and we did in fact have anal sex.

i think i actually liked it.

so somehwere throughout the dream i had decided to get a tattoo
a funny one

of an upside down middle finger above my butt crack, pointing towards my butthole

i was laughing and i got the tattoo

that's when leonardo shows up,

he's yelling at me

telling me what i'm doing is wrong,

this is where it starts to get funky

you kind of just dissappear and me and leonardo are on the run

we are one like old wooden ships with pirates and stuff

and like we just keep running

the physics are like a video game

we are like jumping  on sand dunes and onto ships and like punching pirates in the face

and like basically running away

and then we get separated.

and i'm alone on a sand dune and i wake up.

and all i can think about is the tattoo.

here's a thought

a "SHOW WITHIN A SHOW"

pitch:

so you get a girl - either me or someone as interesting and intelligent as me, remember she needs to be intelligent...

and she like is very creative and beautiful and stuff. a feminist too

and like she is very much realistic

so she's living her life, and it's sort of like the truman show - never seen it i really don't think i have to

so anyways she basically is DESIGNING HER OWN REALITY show while she's being filmed.  and then not only does SHE edit her own show, but the director edits the show, and then

BOTH SHOWS are released. and like she's being filmed while she's editing final cut of her reality series, so you are getting like two very different pictures of what actually happened, and you can release two different shows, except you only pay for one.

and that's why this is a great idea.

BOOM.

xo

i'm not going to

go out of my way

to get a job

if someone wants me

they have got to see me in a specific job

and it's got to fit

and i have to do things my way

or i'm headed straight back to where i've come from

for me it's not about the job

it's not about the name drops

it's not about the parties

it's not about the designs

or the work

for me i just love my passions

and if that gets turned to smack

boy, will i be pissed.

if someone wants me, they've gotta know, i'm not going to be waiting my tables in la or NYC

i'll be raising my chickens near dallas on my ranch

sure i'll be on the internet

but i'm not looking to be some frontrunner

it feels like people are watching me

waiting for me to just like

audition for something

not going to happen.

i'm not audition, because i don't think i'm capable of doing the job

so if some person has seen what i can do, and they believe in me for some stupid reason the same way i believe that i'm in love with zachary

they have got to come to me

if you are interested

on my soundcloud

i have recorded myself reading chapter one of pride and prejudice

now, that might be completely illegal and i'm not really sure if it is or not

and to be honest i'm really hoping it's not because that book is like, ANCIENT


and i really think i should be able to record myself reading it without like, it being taken off the internet and my account being deleted.

it's there, i'm going to keep reading i think it's fun and relaxing

it's not rehearsed.

it's just me

reading.