TMI?

im not going to reprimand a teenager i dont know on the internet to stop masturbating. believe me, the reason im trying to get you to stop is so we can have a long term sex life. God blesses people who are obedient. im not sure if im a freak in the sheets yet bc ive never MADE love. sure ill fuck you if we get married, but id much prefer to make love to you. i mean i guess it would be both. stop being so nervous abd just come see me... what are you waiting for?

I found it

I found your confession. I haven't finished it yet. but it's amazing. I love reading it. it's a beautiful story. I almost wish it was real. why did you go with a gay relationship though? am I the girl? are you still considering staying gay? if so why dedicate all this time and energy on your devotion to me? I'm confused. well, at least you're being creative. I guess from your perspective that is what matters the most. I would totally fuck up your life. but isn't that what you want? mr. toad's wild ride? I'm not sure, but I can guarantee it's not what you're used to. I know that quintno from twitter was you. I'm absolutely sure now. just come see me baby.. I know you want to. what is stopping you? you're free. you can do anything you want.

rings ring a ding ding

yes, i'm wearing it.

i don't know why.

i have no reason.

i don't know why.

you can ask me why a million times, why z, why a ring, why?

and the answer will probably always be idk until we move forward somehow.

i haven't felt us move forward at all.

and i'm alone.

and i'm sad and angry.

and i'm blaming you.

congratulations

you seem to have finally accepted yourself as you are.
now the question is, if you love yourself as you are, is there anything you want to improve?
you can't be perfect here and now. i hope you have accepted that and it seems you have.

i just hope you relax and enjoy the ride that you are on.
just know i'm not relaxed, i'm not enjoying this, and i'm quite upset.

you remind me of the one that raped me.
i didn't love him.

i just need to talk to you and know it's you..
you have had the chance to confront me.
and i have not gotten the opportunity to have an honest discussion with you.
have i not earned that by now?
if i have not, in your honest opinion, then please have mercy on me and give it to me.

a long conversation. on my terms.
what's the point of living if you only do what you want?

i know that i don't please others often, i honestly cannot in my opinion.
i don't know how to comprimise.

i'm guilty of everything.
but i'm at peace with myself because i love myself with all my flaws.
God's love for me amazes me.

I know you watch.
I don't know why you do what you do, but I know you do.
I have no evidence, I have no reasoning.
I JUST KNOW.
maybe that's not logical enough for you, but if it is true then maybe there's something about me that you can't comprehend of understand until you open the door.

God loves you too you know. He loves every individual. individually.

It's time for you to confront the fact that we met. And we can't unmeet.
And no matter how painful it is for you to hear my honest opinion.
It's better for you to know than not know, and that might be the reason that you watch.

And I watch.
I don't always know why.
I'm crazy, don't trust me.

Why take my ideas if you didn't want to give me anything back.

i'm sorry to admit I think more highly of you than you think you deserve.

I know you are self-conscious and I have even made it worse for you.

But you will never grow until you learn to ignore things that are irrelevant to you and back away from a fight.

I am not trying to fight with you.

You aren't trying to fight with me.

No.
No.

See what's going on inside my head is disturbing to me.

And I want you to help me fix it.

I beg of you please help me.

I'm desperate.

No one understands or gives me the time of day.

Why should you?

Because you can't leave me alone.

And you owe me.

la poemes

blue and orange are colors you see
white and black are opposites of me

the grey is what i am today
and yesterday, before and then,
her and there and old big ben,

i see the clock has striked at noon
but i've got a secret, well not a secret you baboon
time's not moving, space is you know
got a question, free throw?

keep on running i'll catch up
mowgli, tarzan, a little chipped teacup
don't belong here a little "sup"
be our guest they say, whatever down isn't shut up
i've got a dog that'll make you be like oh "PUP"?

keep on writing lines, the more the better
the latter encourages me, no matter what the weather
i'll stay up all night if i have to adding lines to matter
i can't take it make it break it whatever
i don't understand a thing i really don't i'm just a brother
a sister an aunt a child and a visitor

this world is not my own
it's a borrowed space place sewn
stitched together almost seemlessly seemingly strewn
white as bone
cold as an empty abandoned home
where lovers used to live but they fought and one left and the other moved and none is shown
what to do where to go who to be what do i know?

zachary, my dream

we were married, you had just designed, produced, and directed and written a stage production and it was also filmed.
i was there at the premiere

it was quite nc17

there were a lot of naked women

it was in new york

i was so proud of you and we went to a party together

we had one glass of champagne each

it was nice until this blonde girl went to the bar and you were checking her out

i gave you the nod

and you put your finger up her dress and then you looked in to her eyes and you licked it and then you walked back over to me and said, "sorry." with a puppy dog smile.

we were then in this trippy apartment

there was a whole wall with  a picture of marylin manson and bunk beds

and it was on a hill in a forest

and it was a really new age place everything dark wood and deep reds.

but you said it was for your son.

i felt upset.

he wasn't my son.

but you had taken to interior decorating and you were doing quite well. a lot of people wanted to buy your houses

do you plan

on attacking me in the middle of the wilderness?

i promise you that's not neccessary.

my life will end on your behalf no matter what you do, kiss me or kill me.

i'm sorry. not sorry.

i like safari

because i like trust,

and with trust,

comes respect. and with respect,

comes more and more love.

and doting compliments.

it's not that i don't want to be open about my life,

it's just that i think i should choose who and when and where and stuff to be open about my life.

and google doesn't allow that.

that's what my blog is for!

v for vendetta

watching it for the first time.

i've seen the ending so many times, but i've never seen it in order.

it's a beautiful film.

i'm going to watch it again!

i never realized how true it really is.

you can love something you don't understand.

or someone.

someone you don't know.

it doesn't matter.

it doesn't matter how close you are.

one small turn of events and you fall in love for eternity,

the rest of it doesn't matter.

nothing else.

you don't need evidence, that's only the fear talking.

there's no need to be afraid.

and i'm not.

i will die for love.

amanda bynes

let us not forget

you may be suffering

and that may be for your art.

but there are other people suffering too.

now i don't want to put pressure on you.

but i would like you to recover whether you ever get a job again or not.

YOU HELPED ME SURVIVE MIDDLE SCHOOL

you helped people become famous

you ARE AN IMPORTANT irreversible fixture in people's minds

and like britney spears A BEAUTIFUL RECOVEREE

you can also recover.

i believe that you

maculay 

shia 

lindsay
and anyone else that might need help

may ask for it

words from jk rowling

important words to remember.

it's your choice

you are in control of your recovery

SURE the media makes fun of you

people are making fun of me

i might be crazy

and i might have diabetes

and people might feel better about themselves because of your problems.

BUT NOT ANYMORE

you will pick yourself up

and you will be a strong woman

because i saw "she's the man"

and it changed my life

I'M SERIOUS

and i saw mean girls

and i saw the parent trap

and i saw just my luck

SERIOUSLY?
 chris pine?
that was a good movie.

the olson twins

elizabeth olson

your future starts now

you can be anything you want to be

it's inevitible

death.

hopefully i won't kill anyone.

including myself.

but love.

that's what is important in life.

the bravest thing you can do is love.

i wanted you to visit me.

i wanted you to pick me up.

i wanted you to catch me when i fall.

i wanted you to find me.

you are still the most important thing to me.

i thought.

what if i didn't wait forever...

what would that be like.

but after last nights events and watching girls tonight.

i realized...

it's inevitable.

i love you and there's nothing you can do to stop me from loving you.

you can do drugs.

you can have ocd.

you can lie on public television.

you can journey to south american to be "healed by some bullshit shamaan"

you can pretend to care about people you hardly know to do god knows what

and you can make money off my ideas without giving anything back.

and i can go for the rest of my life without any attention from you (that is not a challenge)

i'm so weak.

i'm so tired.

my mind is so exposed.

and my body is lonely as is the rest of me.

i want to be faithful.

yes.

i love other people from my past.

and you can cuss me out and you can literally do anything in the book to make me look stupid and push me away i don't care.

i love you.

i'm brave.

i'm not going to kill anyone.

if i was going to kill anyone it would have already happened.

but it hasn't and i decided i'm not going to.

i have big plans.

and they involve dreaming big and being happy and you and i and maybe other people too

but i can't be happy forever without you.

there is no i in team.

and i want a team.

and there is no us without you.

and i'm a me.

i don't want to be a me.

i want to be an us.

or a them.

i mean i saw how one day affected you

imagine if i acted like that for years.

or weeks.

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU..

I BELIEVE IN US.

WE WILL FIND HOPE.


i don't care about your misdirection or your bad choices.

i am here for you and i will be here for you until your death.

so please.

choose me.

be with me.

come to me.

i'm not asking you to leave anything behind.

i'm just asking you to contact me.

i'm asking you to tell me you care.

i don't care if life pushes back

or you are scared and this is the first time you've ever been scared.

let me tell you something.

I'M not scared of this.

i'm scared of freddy vs jason

i'm scared of bugs and snakes and stuff

i bet you aren't scared  of that

i was scared when you jumped me by surprise.

i bet you were scared when i jumped you by surprise.

let's stop jumping each other by surprise because i want this to work and if it really matters to you you've got to stop making it scary.

i'm not scared of you bugging my phone or creating a fake account

or you cheating on me

if it was an accident

i'm not scared of changing

because of love

and i'm not scared of deep conversations and long distances

and crying over the phone because we can't immediately be together.

i'm not scared of that.

i'm scared of this never beginning.

i'm scared that you don't care at all

i'm scared that you are using me because i'm a little toy to you

you and i are scared of different things just like we love in different ways and if you want me to love you the way you want me to love you.

then you have GOT to be open enough to start a friendly conversation.

i can't just keep exchanging small words with you on words with friends.

i mean if you need to just send me a message on twitter, then create a twitter account and tell me you are zachary and dm me, and i will have no evidence that it's you i'll just know it's you.

for real.

PLEASE JUST TRUST IN THE UNIVERSE.

i know that i might be scary.

you know no one believes me.

i think my therapist believes me.

but i don't think anyone else believes me.

i think you believe me.

i think you believe me about everything.

and you know what the only thing i want from you is love.

what love gives you, is free access is my ideas.

i know that you value them.

i don't think you would lie to me about your love for me just so that you could have my ideas.

i think you really care.

if you didn't care, everyone would know who i was for 15 minutes.

and then i would just be gone with the wind.

people are seen

i see you

la poeme

my head
thoughts, turn, spinning
i only think of you
dreams, you come back like lead
don't dread

jab stab
get up keep moving, don't be weak
who are you? pathetic
worthless no one
don't fight

sex chair
you had sex here?
who made you cum here boy?
who do you belong to? no one
i'm free

one wish
you don't know it
power and control now
no fear no loss no weakness BOSS
you're mine

i was confused

i met zachary at the premiere of breakup at a wedding

i was touched by the film

i thought it was hilarious

but i forgot most of what happened

and then i saw him again in pennsylvania and i had a panic attack and i couldn't focus on the film

i had a freakout in kentucky

i had really not watched the film sanely since the incident in kentucky

i watched the film tonight

and what happened to me

what i did

when i went crazy

were things that happened in the film

this could make someone like zachary think that i was doing these things for attention

i didn't do these things for attention

i didn't choose to do these things at all

i went full on psycho and didn't understand my own identity yet alone the time or place or reality

i have mental illness

not an attention problem

sure

i would love to just find an easy solution to get zachary to notice me

but i'm not stupid enough to do something illegal and risk going to jail in order to get it

i have a problem and what happened to me was something that happened within the recesses of my subconsious

christina

it never occured to me that you were a person.

i'm sorry it just didn't.

maybe that was news to you but you are just larger than life

and so is britney and n sync and backstreet boys and everybody

so when i was watching the mickey mouse club today and i saw you talking about what you liked to do i was like
OMG i like that

and i was like omg britney and justin are so meant to be

and i was like omg if i was there i would have felt so left out

and if i was there we would have been best friends probably

i love horses and i love video games and i think we would have had a lot of fun together.

and then today i watched the genie in a bottle video.

when i was young i was never really your fan because i was always really more a fan of britney.

i think your music is more like a celine dion kind of pop except more youthful

and also more like come and get me baby

and i was more like bubblegum i wanted to be that

but i wasn't bubblegum and i wasn't celine dion either

i was like well

i really wasn't like anything

i guess i can't really compare you to anything either i'm just saying you weren't like britney and she was just who i was trying to be like at the time and then i was trying to be like avril lavigne.

but i really hope that you can get over your beef with britney because i think you guys could have an awesome friendship

and boys are not really getting in the way of that anymore

and you are both here to stay and you both probably know who you are by now.

and in the past i have sang your songs and the whole moulin rouge thing knocked my socks off!

she could never do that better than you.

the fact is that you both have these great qualities and you found out about them very young and that makes you very lucky.

i wish you the best :)

miles

i'm sorry that i didn't follow you sooner

it was my paranoia that destroys everything

it was me being stupid

it was my unending idiocy.

i respect your work

your body

your talent

your art

and i'm not lying about this

part of my felt like maybe you just didn't know that i existed

and i wanted to keep it that way

it wasn't that i didn't respect you entirely though it was that way a little

it was just that i felt like maybe since i didn't really know you

i guess i felt like maybe you were using zachary LIKE I HAVE SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE DO IN PERSON

and i guess i feel like zachary is a victim to it just like I am

and i'm sorry that i felt that way about you becuase i am wrong

i am almost 100% sure

i don't know about your private life obviously

but i was just trusting my instinct

and what i saw of the pictures that i did see

and i intrepeted them

and now i'm just really worried about both of you

i have always cared about you

i just don't care about you as much as zachary because i don't know you.

but if zachary really cares about you

then so do i.

i almost felt like you were stealing my identity though at an earlier point.

and i was mad at you.

life as a subway map

you can get on and ride until the end and have to get off at some point

you can get on and ride and get off near your house and walk

you can get on and get off and get a taxi

you can never get on

you can ride your bike

you can take the same route every day

you can take the same route only once in your life time

you can "just visit"

or you can matriculate into the thousands who are just using the subway and don't really see it as anything other than a necessary means of transport.

me,

i am not any of these,

the subway to me isn't something i want to get used to.

i want to get on the subway with a friend

and do it a couple of times

and never get a sense of normalcy from anything i do.

unless i have to use the subway

of course

but i want to get lost on the subway because i know i can call a taxi and i can find my way back another way,

there's no danger to the subway.

there aren't any unmarked packages

there's not any crazy knife fights

no vampires

no ghost stories

i don't have to sit too close for comfort to someone i don't know.

it's a sparing thing.

i'd rather take amtrak and go to another city.

or just stay home

or grab a cab.

the subway is used for adventures only.

that moment

when i first watched it's kind of a funny story

i thought i was craig

then i watched it again

and i thought i was noelle

now i'm watching it

and i think i'm zach galifinakis




i'm definately him.

i really hope that one day i don't wake up and i'm the weird egyptian dude

some rules i must include

1. i can't afford a lawyer and i don't want one because i don't want to go to court with anyone
2. i don't know how to use legalese
3. anything i say must be in CHRISTA TALK
4. if you can't interpret the meaning i meant behind it you must assume that you may not understand it at all or you MAY HAVE TO CONTACT ME DIRECTLY (CHICKEN)
5. if you don't like me get your butt out of here i can't handle negativity in my safe space
6. if you are pretending to like me because you know someone that likes me STOP, and avoid me at all costs. i'd rather have an uncomfortable silence than a FAKE FRIEND
7. if you don't understand me, and you feel like you have caused me pain or I have caused pain and i don't know, we need to talk about it DIRECTLY
8. i'm sorry whether you are sorry or not. i also forgive you whether you accept my apology or forgive me too or not.
9. i can't handle people making fun of me when i really put myself out there because you know most of the time i really don't care because i just realize that most people don't understand the situation, but when i realize that EVERYONE is making fun of me it starts to hurt. i still showboat. i still have a rep to protect, damaged or not. "POTTER STINKS" - Potter didn't stink, and he fucking won the goblet of fire rigged or not and he killed voldemort supposedly. i'm not so sure about his cursed child or whatever but like RN the battle is not ongoing + snape loved him anyways. I DIDN't put my name in the goblet of fire people i didn't. mabye i AM the chosen one. WHO FUCKin knows? like i don't have a prophecy, i didn't go to hogwarts. i'm sorry.

10. you have no right to use my photo, my medical records, any quote i have said, anything appearing like my actual life, my fingerprints, anything written or said about me by anyone, any of my art, to be used in any film unless i give you direct permission in how it is used and i am part of the editing PROCESS and final CUT.

i hope we have an understanding and that you enjoyed this chat.

P.S. I'm NOT HIDING ANYTHING. NOTHING. you can break as many laws as you want, burn me a million times and all it will do is backfire. and cause confusion among yourselves and lose me (supposedly a source of creativity)

you are a real piece of shit mr.hacker

i'd like to be able to use safari.

i'd like to be able to be able to track page views on blogger.com without seeing my own pageviews.

K,
i understand that something has happened here.

I gave zachary quinto access to my phone

my facebook

and basically every account that i have,

my xbox everything..

THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE CAN STEAL MY IDEAS..
 1..
just because you can look, doesn't mean you can take

2. if looking and reading means you HAVE to take than I INSIST you must stop looking

3 i only gave zachary permission not his entire fucking squad and all of their squads and families and crews and their homies

4 from now on leonardo has permission to look as long as he wants and he doesn't steal my fucking shit.