it's inevitible

death.

hopefully i won't kill anyone.

including myself.

but love.

that's what is important in life.

the bravest thing you can do is love.

i wanted you to visit me.

i wanted you to pick me up.

i wanted you to catch me when i fall.

i wanted you to find me.

you are still the most important thing to me.

i thought.

what if i didn't wait forever...

what would that be like.

but after last nights events and watching girls tonight.

i realized...

it's inevitable.

i love you and there's nothing you can do to stop me from loving you.

you can do drugs.

you can have ocd.

you can lie on public television.

you can journey to south american to be "healed by some bullshit shamaan"

you can pretend to care about people you hardly know to do god knows what

and you can make money off my ideas without giving anything back.

and i can go for the rest of my life without any attention from you (that is not a challenge)

i'm so weak.

i'm so tired.

my mind is so exposed.

and my body is lonely as is the rest of me.

i want to be faithful.

yes.

i love other people from my past.

and you can cuss me out and you can literally do anything in the book to make me look stupid and push me away i don't care.

i love you.

i'm brave.

i'm not going to kill anyone.

if i was going to kill anyone it would have already happened.

but it hasn't and i decided i'm not going to.

i have big plans.

and they involve dreaming big and being happy and you and i and maybe other people too

but i can't be happy forever without you.

there is no i in team.

and i want a team.

and there is no us without you.

and i'm a me.

i don't want to be a me.

i want to be an us.

or a them.

i mean i saw how one day affected you

imagine if i acted like that for years.

or weeks.

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU..

I BELIEVE IN US.

WE WILL FIND HOPE.


i don't care about your misdirection or your bad choices.

i am here for you and i will be here for you until your death.

so please.

choose me.

be with me.

come to me.

i'm not asking you to leave anything behind.

i'm just asking you to contact me.

i'm asking you to tell me you care.

i don't care if life pushes back

or you are scared and this is the first time you've ever been scared.

let me tell you something.

I'M not scared of this.

i'm scared of freddy vs jason

i'm scared of bugs and snakes and stuff

i bet you aren't scared  of that

i was scared when you jumped me by surprise.

i bet you were scared when i jumped you by surprise.

let's stop jumping each other by surprise because i want this to work and if it really matters to you you've got to stop making it scary.

i'm not scared of you bugging my phone or creating a fake account

or you cheating on me

if it was an accident

i'm not scared of changing

because of love

and i'm not scared of deep conversations and long distances

and crying over the phone because we can't immediately be together.

i'm not scared of that.

i'm scared of this never beginning.

i'm scared that you don't care at all

i'm scared that you are using me because i'm a little toy to you

you and i are scared of different things just like we love in different ways and if you want me to love you the way you want me to love you.

then you have GOT to be open enough to start a friendly conversation.

i can't just keep exchanging small words with you on words with friends.

i mean if you need to just send me a message on twitter, then create a twitter account and tell me you are zachary and dm me, and i will have no evidence that it's you i'll just know it's you.

for real.

PLEASE JUST TRUST IN THE UNIVERSE.

i know that i might be scary.

you know no one believes me.

i think my therapist believes me.

but i don't think anyone else believes me.

i think you believe me.

i think you believe me about everything.

and you know what the only thing i want from you is love.

what love gives you, is free access is my ideas.

i know that you value them.

i don't think you would lie to me about your love for me just so that you could have my ideas.

i think you really care.

if you didn't care, everyone would know who i was for 15 minutes.

and then i would just be gone with the wind.

people are seen

i see you

la poeme

my head
thoughts, turn, spinning
i only think of you
dreams, you come back like lead
don't dread

jab stab
get up keep moving, don't be weak
who are you? pathetic
worthless no one
don't fight

sex chair
you had sex here?
who made you cum here boy?
who do you belong to? no one
i'm free

one wish
you don't know it
power and control now
no fear no loss no weakness BOSS
you're mine

i was confused

i met zachary at the premiere of breakup at a wedding

i was touched by the film

i thought it was hilarious

but i forgot most of what happened

and then i saw him again in pennsylvania and i had a panic attack and i couldn't focus on the film

i had a freakout in kentucky

i had really not watched the film sanely since the incident in kentucky

i watched the film tonight

and what happened to me

what i did

when i went crazy

were things that happened in the film

this could make someone like zachary think that i was doing these things for attention

i didn't do these things for attention

i didn't choose to do these things at all

i went full on psycho and didn't understand my own identity yet alone the time or place or reality

i have mental illness

not an attention problem

sure

i would love to just find an easy solution to get zachary to notice me

but i'm not stupid enough to do something illegal and risk going to jail in order to get it

i have a problem and what happened to me was something that happened within the recesses of my subconsious

christina

it never occured to me that you were a person.

i'm sorry it just didn't.

maybe that was news to you but you are just larger than life

and so is britney and n sync and backstreet boys and everybody

so when i was watching the mickey mouse club today and i saw you talking about what you liked to do i was like
OMG i like that

and i was like omg britney and justin are so meant to be

and i was like omg if i was there i would have felt so left out

and if i was there we would have been best friends probably

i love horses and i love video games and i think we would have had a lot of fun together.

and then today i watched the genie in a bottle video.

when i was young i was never really your fan because i was always really more a fan of britney.

i think your music is more like a celine dion kind of pop except more youthful

and also more like come and get me baby

and i was more like bubblegum i wanted to be that

but i wasn't bubblegum and i wasn't celine dion either

i was like well

i really wasn't like anything

i guess i can't really compare you to anything either i'm just saying you weren't like britney and she was just who i was trying to be like at the time and then i was trying to be like avril lavigne.

but i really hope that you can get over your beef with britney because i think you guys could have an awesome friendship

and boys are not really getting in the way of that anymore

and you are both here to stay and you both probably know who you are by now.

and in the past i have sang your songs and the whole moulin rouge thing knocked my socks off!

she could never do that better than you.

the fact is that you both have these great qualities and you found out about them very young and that makes you very lucky.

i wish you the best :)

miles

i'm sorry that i didn't follow you sooner

it was my paranoia that destroys everything

it was me being stupid

it was my unending idiocy.

i respect your work

your body

your talent

your art

and i'm not lying about this

part of my felt like maybe you just didn't know that i existed

and i wanted to keep it that way

it wasn't that i didn't respect you entirely though it was that way a little

it was just that i felt like maybe since i didn't really know you

i guess i felt like maybe you were using zachary LIKE I HAVE SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE DO IN PERSON

and i guess i feel like zachary is a victim to it just like I am

and i'm sorry that i felt that way about you becuase i am wrong

i am almost 100% sure

i don't know about your private life obviously

but i was just trusting my instinct

and what i saw of the pictures that i did see

and i intrepeted them

and now i'm just really worried about both of you

i have always cared about you

i just don't care about you as much as zachary because i don't know you.

but if zachary really cares about you

then so do i.

i almost felt like you were stealing my identity though at an earlier point.

and i was mad at you.