rings ring a ding ding

yes, i'm wearing it.

i don't know why.

i have no reason.

i don't know why.

you can ask me why a million times, why z, why a ring, why?

and the answer will probably always be idk until we move forward somehow.

i haven't felt us move forward at all.

and i'm alone.

and i'm sad and angry.

and i'm blaming you.

congratulations

you seem to have finally accepted yourself as you are.
now the question is, if you love yourself as you are, is there anything you want to improve?
you can't be perfect here and now. i hope you have accepted that and it seems you have.

i just hope you relax and enjoy the ride that you are on.
just know i'm not relaxed, i'm not enjoying this, and i'm quite upset.

you remind me of the one that raped me.
i didn't love him.

i just need to talk to you and know it's you..
you have had the chance to confront me.
and i have not gotten the opportunity to have an honest discussion with you.
have i not earned that by now?
if i have not, in your honest opinion, then please have mercy on me and give it to me.

a long conversation. on my terms.
what's the point of living if you only do what you want?

i know that i don't please others often, i honestly cannot in my opinion.
i don't know how to comprimise.

i'm guilty of everything.
but i'm at peace with myself because i love myself with all my flaws.
God's love for me amazes me.

I know you watch.
I don't know why you do what you do, but I know you do.
I have no evidence, I have no reasoning.
I JUST KNOW.
maybe that's not logical enough for you, but if it is true then maybe there's something about me that you can't comprehend of understand until you open the door.

God loves you too you know. He loves every individual. individually.

It's time for you to confront the fact that we met. And we can't unmeet.
And no matter how painful it is for you to hear my honest opinion.
It's better for you to know than not know, and that might be the reason that you watch.

And I watch.
I don't always know why.
I'm crazy, don't trust me.

Why take my ideas if you didn't want to give me anything back.

i'm sorry to admit I think more highly of you than you think you deserve.

I know you are self-conscious and I have even made it worse for you.

But you will never grow until you learn to ignore things that are irrelevant to you and back away from a fight.

I am not trying to fight with you.

You aren't trying to fight with me.

No.
No.

See what's going on inside my head is disturbing to me.

And I want you to help me fix it.

I beg of you please help me.

I'm desperate.

No one understands or gives me the time of day.

Why should you?

Because you can't leave me alone.

And you owe me.

la poemes

blue and orange are colors you see
white and black are opposites of me

the grey is what i am today
and yesterday, before and then,
her and there and old big ben,

i see the clock has striked at noon
but i've got a secret, well not a secret you baboon
time's not moving, space is you know
got a question, free throw?

keep on running i'll catch up
mowgli, tarzan, a little chipped teacup
don't belong here a little "sup"
be our guest they say, whatever down isn't shut up
i've got a dog that'll make you be like oh "PUP"?

keep on writing lines, the more the better
the latter encourages me, no matter what the weather
i'll stay up all night if i have to adding lines to matter
i can't take it make it break it whatever
i don't understand a thing i really don't i'm just a brother
a sister an aunt a child and a visitor

this world is not my own
it's a borrowed space place sewn
stitched together almost seemlessly seemingly strewn
white as bone
cold as an empty abandoned home
where lovers used to live but they fought and one left and the other moved and none is shown
what to do where to go who to be what do i know?

zachary, my dream

we were married, you had just designed, produced, and directed and written a stage production and it was also filmed.
i was there at the premiere

it was quite nc17

there were a lot of naked women

it was in new york

i was so proud of you and we went to a party together

we had one glass of champagne each

it was nice until this blonde girl went to the bar and you were checking her out

i gave you the nod

and you put your finger up her dress and then you looked in to her eyes and you licked it and then you walked back over to me and said, "sorry." with a puppy dog smile.

we were then in this trippy apartment

there was a whole wall with  a picture of marylin manson and bunk beds

and it was on a hill in a forest

and it was a really new age place everything dark wood and deep reds.

but you said it was for your son.

i felt upset.

he wasn't my son.

but you had taken to interior decorating and you were doing quite well. a lot of people wanted to buy your houses

do you plan

on attacking me in the middle of the wilderness?

i promise you that's not neccessary.

my life will end on your behalf no matter what you do, kiss me or kill me.

i'm sorry. not sorry.

i like safari

because i like trust,

and with trust,

comes respect. and with respect,

comes more and more love.

and doting compliments.

it's not that i don't want to be open about my life,

it's just that i think i should choose who and when and where and stuff to be open about my life.

and google doesn't allow that.

that's what my blog is for!

v for vendetta

watching it for the first time.

i've seen the ending so many times, but i've never seen it in order.

it's a beautiful film.

i'm going to watch it again!

i never realized how true it really is.

you can love something you don't understand.

or someone.

someone you don't know.

it doesn't matter.

it doesn't matter how close you are.

one small turn of events and you fall in love for eternity,

the rest of it doesn't matter.

nothing else.

you don't need evidence, that's only the fear talking.

there's no need to be afraid.

and i'm not.

i will die for love.

amanda bynes

let us not forget

you may be suffering

and that may be for your art.

but there are other people suffering too.

now i don't want to put pressure on you.

but i would like you to recover whether you ever get a job again or not.

YOU HELPED ME SURVIVE MIDDLE SCHOOL

you helped people become famous

you ARE AN IMPORTANT irreversible fixture in people's minds

and like britney spears A BEAUTIFUL RECOVEREE

you can also recover.

i believe that you

maculay 

shia 

lindsay
and anyone else that might need help

may ask for it

words from jk rowling

important words to remember.

it's your choice

you are in control of your recovery

SURE the media makes fun of you

people are making fun of me

i might be crazy

and i might have diabetes

and people might feel better about themselves because of your problems.

BUT NOT ANYMORE

you will pick yourself up

and you will be a strong woman

because i saw "she's the man"

and it changed my life

I'M SERIOUS

and i saw mean girls

and i saw the parent trap

and i saw just my luck

SERIOUSLY?
 chris pine?
that was a good movie.

the olson twins

elizabeth olson

your future starts now

you can be anything you want to be

it's inevitible

death.

hopefully i won't kill anyone.

including myself.

but love.

that's what is important in life.

the bravest thing you can do is love.

i wanted you to visit me.

i wanted you to pick me up.

i wanted you to catch me when i fall.

i wanted you to find me.

you are still the most important thing to me.

i thought.

what if i didn't wait forever...

what would that be like.

but after last nights events and watching girls tonight.

i realized...

it's inevitable.

i love you and there's nothing you can do to stop me from loving you.

you can do drugs.

you can have ocd.

you can lie on public television.

you can journey to south american to be "healed by some bullshit shamaan"

you can pretend to care about people you hardly know to do god knows what

and you can make money off my ideas without giving anything back.

and i can go for the rest of my life without any attention from you (that is not a challenge)

i'm so weak.

i'm so tired.

my mind is so exposed.

and my body is lonely as is the rest of me.

i want to be faithful.

yes.

i love other people from my past.

and you can cuss me out and you can literally do anything in the book to make me look stupid and push me away i don't care.

i love you.

i'm brave.

i'm not going to kill anyone.

if i was going to kill anyone it would have already happened.

but it hasn't and i decided i'm not going to.

i have big plans.

and they involve dreaming big and being happy and you and i and maybe other people too

but i can't be happy forever without you.

there is no i in team.

and i want a team.

and there is no us without you.

and i'm a me.

i don't want to be a me.

i want to be an us.

or a them.

i mean i saw how one day affected you

imagine if i acted like that for years.

or weeks.

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU..

I BELIEVE IN US.

WE WILL FIND HOPE.


i don't care about your misdirection or your bad choices.

i am here for you and i will be here for you until your death.

so please.

choose me.

be with me.

come to me.

i'm not asking you to leave anything behind.

i'm just asking you to contact me.

i'm asking you to tell me you care.

i don't care if life pushes back

or you are scared and this is the first time you've ever been scared.

let me tell you something.

I'M not scared of this.

i'm scared of freddy vs jason

i'm scared of bugs and snakes and stuff

i bet you aren't scared  of that

i was scared when you jumped me by surprise.

i bet you were scared when i jumped you by surprise.

let's stop jumping each other by surprise because i want this to work and if it really matters to you you've got to stop making it scary.

i'm not scared of you bugging my phone or creating a fake account

or you cheating on me

if it was an accident

i'm not scared of changing

because of love

and i'm not scared of deep conversations and long distances

and crying over the phone because we can't immediately be together.

i'm not scared of that.

i'm scared of this never beginning.

i'm scared that you don't care at all

i'm scared that you are using me because i'm a little toy to you

you and i are scared of different things just like we love in different ways and if you want me to love you the way you want me to love you.

then you have GOT to be open enough to start a friendly conversation.

i can't just keep exchanging small words with you on words with friends.

i mean if you need to just send me a message on twitter, then create a twitter account and tell me you are zachary and dm me, and i will have no evidence that it's you i'll just know it's you.

for real.

PLEASE JUST TRUST IN THE UNIVERSE.

i know that i might be scary.

you know no one believes me.

i think my therapist believes me.

but i don't think anyone else believes me.

i think you believe me.

i think you believe me about everything.

and you know what the only thing i want from you is love.

what love gives you, is free access is my ideas.

i know that you value them.

i don't think you would lie to me about your love for me just so that you could have my ideas.

i think you really care.

if you didn't care, everyone would know who i was for 15 minutes.

and then i would just be gone with the wind.

people are seen

i see you

la poeme

my head
thoughts, turn, spinning
i only think of you
dreams, you come back like lead
don't dread

jab stab
get up keep moving, don't be weak
who are you? pathetic
worthless no one
don't fight

sex chair
you had sex here?
who made you cum here boy?
who do you belong to? no one
i'm free

one wish
you don't know it
power and control now
no fear no loss no weakness BOSS
you're mine

i was confused

i met zachary at the premiere of breakup at a wedding

i was touched by the film

i thought it was hilarious

but i forgot most of what happened

and then i saw him again in pennsylvania and i had a panic attack and i couldn't focus on the film

i had a freakout in kentucky

i had really not watched the film sanely since the incident in kentucky

i watched the film tonight

and what happened to me

what i did

when i went crazy

were things that happened in the film

this could make someone like zachary think that i was doing these things for attention

i didn't do these things for attention

i didn't choose to do these things at all

i went full on psycho and didn't understand my own identity yet alone the time or place or reality

i have mental illness

not an attention problem

sure

i would love to just find an easy solution to get zachary to notice me

but i'm not stupid enough to do something illegal and risk going to jail in order to get it

i have a problem and what happened to me was something that happened within the recesses of my subconsious

christina

it never occured to me that you were a person.

i'm sorry it just didn't.

maybe that was news to you but you are just larger than life

and so is britney and n sync and backstreet boys and everybody

so when i was watching the mickey mouse club today and i saw you talking about what you liked to do i was like
OMG i like that

and i was like omg britney and justin are so meant to be

and i was like omg if i was there i would have felt so left out

and if i was there we would have been best friends probably

i love horses and i love video games and i think we would have had a lot of fun together.

and then today i watched the genie in a bottle video.

when i was young i was never really your fan because i was always really more a fan of britney.

i think your music is more like a celine dion kind of pop except more youthful

and also more like come and get me baby

and i was more like bubblegum i wanted to be that

but i wasn't bubblegum and i wasn't celine dion either

i was like well

i really wasn't like anything

i guess i can't really compare you to anything either i'm just saying you weren't like britney and she was just who i was trying to be like at the time and then i was trying to be like avril lavigne.

but i really hope that you can get over your beef with britney because i think you guys could have an awesome friendship

and boys are not really getting in the way of that anymore

and you are both here to stay and you both probably know who you are by now.

and in the past i have sang your songs and the whole moulin rouge thing knocked my socks off!

she could never do that better than you.

the fact is that you both have these great qualities and you found out about them very young and that makes you very lucky.

i wish you the best :)

miles

i'm sorry that i didn't follow you sooner

it was my paranoia that destroys everything

it was me being stupid

it was my unending idiocy.

i respect your work

your body

your talent

your art

and i'm not lying about this

part of my felt like maybe you just didn't know that i existed

and i wanted to keep it that way

it wasn't that i didn't respect you entirely though it was that way a little

it was just that i felt like maybe since i didn't really know you

i guess i felt like maybe you were using zachary LIKE I HAVE SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE DO IN PERSON

and i guess i feel like zachary is a victim to it just like I am

and i'm sorry that i felt that way about you becuase i am wrong

i am almost 100% sure

i don't know about your private life obviously

but i was just trusting my instinct

and what i saw of the pictures that i did see

and i intrepeted them

and now i'm just really worried about both of you

i have always cared about you

i just don't care about you as much as zachary because i don't know you.

but if zachary really cares about you

then so do i.

i almost felt like you were stealing my identity though at an earlier point.

and i was mad at you.

life as a subway map

you can get on and ride until the end and have to get off at some point

you can get on and ride and get off near your house and walk

you can get on and get off and get a taxi

you can never get on

you can ride your bike

you can take the same route every day

you can take the same route only once in your life time

you can "just visit"

or you can matriculate into the thousands who are just using the subway and don't really see it as anything other than a necessary means of transport.

me,

i am not any of these,

the subway to me isn't something i want to get used to.

i want to get on the subway with a friend

and do it a couple of times

and never get a sense of normalcy from anything i do.

unless i have to use the subway

of course

but i want to get lost on the subway because i know i can call a taxi and i can find my way back another way,

there's no danger to the subway.

there aren't any unmarked packages

there's not any crazy knife fights

no vampires

no ghost stories

i don't have to sit too close for comfort to someone i don't know.

it's a sparing thing.

i'd rather take amtrak and go to another city.

or just stay home

or grab a cab.

the subway is used for adventures only.

that moment

when i first watched it's kind of a funny story

i thought i was craig

then i watched it again

and i thought i was noelle

now i'm watching it

and i think i'm zach galifinakis




i'm definately him.

i really hope that one day i don't wake up and i'm the weird egyptian dude

some rules i must include

1. i can't afford a lawyer and i don't want one because i don't want to go to court with anyone
2. i don't know how to use legalese
3. anything i say must be in CHRISTA TALK
4. if you can't interpret the meaning i meant behind it you must assume that you may not understand it at all or you MAY HAVE TO CONTACT ME DIRECTLY (CHICKEN)
5. if you don't like me get your butt out of here i can't handle negativity in my safe space
6. if you are pretending to like me because you know someone that likes me STOP, and avoid me at all costs. i'd rather have an uncomfortable silence than a FAKE FRIEND
7. if you don't understand me, and you feel like you have caused me pain or I have caused pain and i don't know, we need to talk about it DIRECTLY
8. i'm sorry whether you are sorry or not. i also forgive you whether you accept my apology or forgive me too or not.
9. i can't handle people making fun of me when i really put myself out there because you know most of the time i really don't care because i just realize that most people don't understand the situation, but when i realize that EVERYONE is making fun of me it starts to hurt. i still showboat. i still have a rep to protect, damaged or not. "POTTER STINKS" - Potter didn't stink, and he fucking won the goblet of fire rigged or not and he killed voldemort supposedly. i'm not so sure about his cursed child or whatever but like RN the battle is not ongoing + snape loved him anyways. I DIDN't put my name in the goblet of fire people i didn't. mabye i AM the chosen one. WHO FUCKin knows? like i don't have a prophecy, i didn't go to hogwarts. i'm sorry.

10. you have no right to use my photo, my medical records, any quote i have said, anything appearing like my actual life, my fingerprints, anything written or said about me by anyone, any of my art, to be used in any film unless i give you direct permission in how it is used and i am part of the editing PROCESS and final CUT.

i hope we have an understanding and that you enjoyed this chat.

P.S. I'm NOT HIDING ANYTHING. NOTHING. you can break as many laws as you want, burn me a million times and all it will do is backfire. and cause confusion among yourselves and lose me (supposedly a source of creativity)

you are a real piece of shit mr.hacker

i'd like to be able to use safari.

i'd like to be able to be able to track page views on blogger.com without seeing my own pageviews.

K,
i understand that something has happened here.

I gave zachary quinto access to my phone

my facebook

and basically every account that i have,

my xbox everything..

THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE CAN STEAL MY IDEAS..
 1..
just because you can look, doesn't mean you can take

2. if looking and reading means you HAVE to take than I INSIST you must stop looking

3 i only gave zachary permission not his entire fucking squad and all of their squads and families and crews and their homies

4 from now on leonardo has permission to look as long as he wants and he doesn't steal my fucking shit.

i don't care about the rules

i'm not going to fucking write a spec

it doesn't matter if i write a spec

because whether i write a spec or not

even if someone comes onto my blog and steals my idea and fucking writes a spec it was still originally my idea.

I COME UP WITH ORIGINAL IDEAS THAT AREN'T BASED ON ANYTHING.

YOU CAN GO ONLINE YOU CAN BUG MY HOUSE

YOU CAN READ EVERY EMAIL

i take all the files in my brain

and i dream about things

and my brain creates an original idea..

and that's fucking more valuable than a stolen spec.

so this blog-post -- i guarantee you is in defense of the episodes from love.

the more rules you create

the less happy you will be.


the more rules you break

the more free you will feel.

the less rules you care about

the happier you will be.

it's very weird

the actual comparisons i have made to the characters in girls to the people in my actual life and sometimes it changes scene by scene but you know sometimes it doesn't and it's gets weird


so adam= my half brother

jessa = my birth mother

hannah/ mimi rose = me

fran = my dad

ace = zq

desi = lizzie's husband

marnie = lizzie

shoshana = my mom if she were my age

the cool guy with curly hair = a philosophical mature version of me if i was male

so i was watching the wedding "live" which is a huge deal because i hardly EVER watch anything live
and i was like feeling the adam jessa vibes and i was LIKE YES YES YES

and i was like fran get out of there

and then i remembered that adam is actually making out with his mother.

and if he were to make out with hannah he'd be making out with his half sister.

so for the sake of the future of the show,

and my enjoyment of it

i have two options

force myself to stop thinking of these characters like my family

or think of them as my family and force myself to find it hilarious which is what i have been doing so far.

the weirdest thing is that my sister and myself belong together and they are truly in love and that freaks me out ugh

xo

mhm

i'm pretty sure not everyone can just vote for the oscars.


i did in fact recieve a ballot this year to vote for the oscars 2016.

if that is true then i can only guess that someone has decided that i should earn a vote?

i have no idea what i'm even talking about.


i really don't understand why i was given the opportunity to vote for the academy awards because i'm not a member for the academy and somewhere along the road of whenever people were like stealing my material people were like, "this is more like tv show stuff"

and i don't remember any of it getting nominated for any awards not that i've been stalking anything that i thought might have been inspired by myself.

i mean sure maybe stuff that i thought of could have been put in a movie.

but most likely not in a oscar winning movie.

probably.

so

in that sense i really don't think i would be a member of the academy.

unless someone was like,

oh i want christa to be in the academy...

which would be wonderful..

of course i would not turn down an invitation to be apart of the academy although i'm sure that i would not go to any after parties and i would not be wearing a $10 million dollar outfit.

i probably would not even arrive in a limo if i were going to the awards and

i would bring god knows who as a date and no one would know me

and i would be sitting very far from the front and

i have no idea what is even going on.

i'm just really confused right now.

i'm probably on the precipice of a psychotic break.

please forgive me academy members.

also please don't make fun of me, that would be great.

please laugh when i laugh.


fantastic.

shane

i don't know if you've ever been here before,

but if you have and if you are reading this

HI.

HI.

HELLO.

welcome to my humble abode.

I've watched some of your stuff.

yeah.

it's interesting

i especially liked #notcool.

yeah that was probably my favorite. LOL

the chair was really interesting

you know what i think though

given that this is my personal blog and you have come here to read my personal opinion and not the opinion of your millions of other followers

i think you should start getting more serious.

i really like you when you are admitting things and you are so serious

and you are crying.

and i don't want to see you like TRYING so hard to find things to admit

idk if you have ever seen any of my videos but

i'll just like start talking to the camera

and then like my life will start spilling out

and i really wasn't planning on that.


ok i have to go drink coffee and eat something edible
and take my medicine.

ttyl

i hate it when

people give you a piece of crap excuse like

i can't sleep over at your house because i need to sleep in my own bed

LIVE FOR THE ADVENTURE

 HAVE THE SLEEPOVER

GO TO SOMEONE'S HOUSE

you never know what will happen

maybe you will have a panic attack and have to leave in the middle of the night

but the way a friendship

male and female

male and male

female and female or just really any friendship

GETS STRONGER

is by having the fucking sleepover.

leonardo

do you have scars on your chest and back?
 do you like to control your ladies?

do you care about the environment because you need to distance yourself from people?

do you feel like when you were a child you lost your innocence and missed out on things?

do you feel like you have to take everything serious usually because of all of that?

well, i'm here as a gentle reminder to tell you that i'm kind of similar to you.

when i was reading 50 shades of grey,

christian would say something, and i would be like, OMG - I DO THAT!

or he would take ana out on a date, and was like...l that's what i want to do!

so.

i can tell you,

i don't know everything about you.

and my life is so complicated.

but you can bug me,

i mean i'm probably already bugged like someone has definitely hacked this blog.

and my fake twitter i made like 4 years ago got deleted.

and there are all sorts of mysterious things happening.

but what i don't want for you.

is for you to get everything you need from me on the internet.

you have to know that i'm a living breathing person with emotions

and i do care

and i want to be nice

and want things.

the things i want are similar to the things ana wanted.

MORE.

because i don't have anything right now.

 well i guess it's not that i have nothing.

i have some internet friends.

but i want to sleep next to you.

that sounds weird.

but i do.

looking back to my entry on Jan 20 i'm thinking about this a lot.

i just want to be really cuddled intimately with someone i have a strong attraction and mental connection with. someone who smells really good to me. someone who's body i fit with.

blues greys and sunset oranges

look great together

especially with dark woods and whites

i don't want to have to choose between a blue rug and an orange rug.

there's more than one room in a home unless i live alone.

i can have more than one rug.

i also love wood that's on the ceiling i forgot what that is called

i like brick

i like how your relationship

becomes more and more believable as i give you relationship advice....

that just proves to me more and more that i was right all along.

you trust me and my judgment and you are acting defensively

so that you don't have "feelings" for me

BE a man.

don't disobey the law

i understand that it's your life

but it's my life too

so it's all our lives

so we all live by the same rules.

so here i am. shameless. no games you have checkmated me. you have taken all my pieces.

sue me.

no i'm joking

i don't want to get in legal troubles with you.

i don't care what you do to me..

push my buttons...

people have been preparing me for this my whole life

NYC taxi it to the party bro

no i'm not attending an after party.

i'm definitely attending an afterparty in my motel room.

you're probably invited if you want.

you know what i have noticed.

i think it's really funny.

i started out this thing thinking.

oh, he's gay so i mean, he wants someone to take charge.

i'm so masculine so like, obviously i can be that person sometimes

if i can get him to trust me and love me and like totally fall in love with me as much as i think i love him..

which i think is a lot.

so then come to find out you are trying to challenge me to a duel.

WHAT THE FUCK?

i don't get it.

like i just was you know being this confident person for fun.

a little foreplay yelling at you not just because i'm moody and twisted, but because i think it really does in fact turn us both on.


but who the fuck knows.

maybe you post wasn't about me or my ellipses.

maybe it was only about the stupid fuckin photographer.

idk.

maybe there is no duel.

and you hate it when i yell

and you just want me to leave you the fuck alone.

if that really is true, like so many others before you i will go into hiding and i will change my name i will wipe my computer and i will move to the middle of nowhere and i will stop writing and being creative and i will be a fuckin farmer and i will just leave you the fuck alone.

there was nothing else i could do

i'm sorry.

but if you don't love me.

and you don't claim to need me, but you really do, and you use me without any type of compensation or acknowledgment.

NOT ONLY ARE YOU A LIAR, A THIEF, A SCOUNDREL, and all around just a hater of art...

yes i forgive you..

i will still love you

you have a million chances times infinity.

i will not do anything except be a fuckin truth roller and it's my perception that i'm rolling.

i want you to be happy I do.

but not if it costs me my ENTIRE FUTURE.

if you are happy with miles, and you want to spend the rest of your entire life with him.

then you have to acknowledge at some point that all you want from my is my perception and my knowledge and my life experiences.

and to get that from me without friendship, will require compensation.

YOU HAVE USED ME.

you have lied to me.

you chose me, you stoned me, you buried me in a closed grave.

i was a veal, and you were hannibal eating snails that were licking my human flesh.

you were stalking me, hacking me, abusing me, talking about me behind my back, making fun of me, and I was loyal to you the entire time.

I had nothing but nice things to say to you unless you did something completely morally wrong in my opinion.

and i apologize if was morally wrong.

But YOU CANOTT DO THAT AND GET AWAY WITH IT.

YOU CANNOT.

i'm not asking you to choose between miles and me.

you can have miles

be happy and be successful and have my ideas and be an artist.

be who you want to be.

know who you are know your sins and don't be conflicted.

be self aware and be creative.

but don't lie about it.

never do that.

don't lead people on.

don't pretend you are being the better person when you know you are not because it will eat you up inside.

i know I'm right.

hey lena?

i'm sorry, i just i have this "what i think is a wonderful idea"

for your show

it's a conversation that just popped into my head after watching a viagra commercial.


so lately and this is a just a fact about me

i have been having some like heart problems, low and high blood pressure, acid reflux, and like low or high pulse?

 (personally i think i'm having heart problems because of my medication change and because of stress due to my overwhelming feelings of love -- yet again)

i went to the hospital about it because i was dehydrated on valentine's day.

i ended up with 2 saline drips and made a recovery within 4 hours and had a beautiful day that day because i went to see the choice with my parents and they were handing roses to all of the women and i was really hyper (maybe it was the saline) and i had drank and eaten so much after i left the hospital, and i was just like, " i think it's kind of sexist that the men don't get roses and lot of guys were on dates and they didn't give their girlfriends a rose. but i was happy because i didn't have a date and my parents gave me socks and a card. :) anyways after we went to the movies i went to denny's and i was acting really drunk at this point... i wasn't drunk i think there was like a weird reaction to the saline or something i was just very hyper and i was video recording everything on my phone and i was making all sorts of jokes and we were just having a lot of fun which is weird because we don't usually have "fun"


so like you are speaking to a doctor

and i think it's cardiologist at a normal doctor office because you have "been having heart palpitations"

i'm not sure why either

but your question is (because hannah has lately been sexually active with adam and he's been using viagra)

is "does adam's use of viagra cause me to have low blood pressure? like if he sends his sperm to me, will that cause like a huge chain reaction to my eggs?"

obviously not

we both know that

you might be drunk during this scene

or maybe you just ask adam this

it's really up to you

you don't actually have to use it at all.

i just thought the commercial was funny and i thought the idea of it was funny.

but maybe it's actually nothing. idk.

just in case i haven't addressed this

like i say sometimes

i still think that i might be delusional & i have to continue considering that possibility bc right now anything is an option i haven't screwed anything down.

but if it's not..

and that would mean i still didn't know what it was but i just knew that it was SOMETHING

and i would acknowledge it was something that did exist.

here are a list of things i need to survive without my parents being involved RIGHT NOW:

after my 5 day experience in new york which i consider to be a temporary arrangement

i am returning home

if i were to go back

i would need certain things in order to stay alive and healthy

1.psychiatrist covered by insurance
2.psychologist covered by insurance (a doctorate is required)
3. regular doctor covered by insurance
4. obgyn covered by insurance
5. mental health support group very close to my living location
6. possibly i would need to live in a group home
7. a person who would remind me of things like an assistant or maybe a friend or maybe like a home health aide or maybe someone assigned by medicaid
8. i need to live somewhere i can get cheap healthy food that is already cooked and basically  serving a wide variety of things
9.i need a working phone, computer
10. i need wifi in my living space FAST PERSONAL LOCKDOWN
11. i need my own room.
12. i need a closet
13. i need to live near a drugstore that is covered by my insurance
14. i need to be with a friend that i trust who can help me learn how to use public transportation and be very safe
15. i need to go to a baptist church (or just be near one)
16. i need to stay away from - razors, knives, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, bad influences
17. i need to surround myself with understanding supportive people who are good listeners and open to odd conversations
18. i need to go to sleep every night before midnight  i need to try to wake up every morning before 10 am
19. i need to be in reach of a refrigerator, a coffeemaker, a pantry, an ice machine, a heater, an air conditioner ?, there cannot be bugs in my apartment.
20. i need to have a good understanding with my landlord. we need to understand each other and agree on how things will go down. same thing with my boss if i have an internship or a job.

the future of advertising has arrived

alright so i could you know receive a bit of compensation for this idea, i'd really like that, you know because basically i invented it with my mind, and

well, i'm living on social security and i'd really prefer to live in a very tidy apartment in pennsylvania, massachusetts, washington, virginia, washington dc, dallas/fort worth, or new york, really wherever i'm needed.

it looks to me like fewer and fewer people are signing up for credit cards.

so here's the pitch.

this is based again off of my real life but since  i'm the owner of this idea, it doesn't matter who was actually present, if you were there, and you pitch this idea or any similar idea for a credit card commercial or really any commercial, you are stealing my intellectual property.

SO

GIRL WALKS INTO PLACE WITH CASH REGISTER.

GIRL IS UNAWARE THAT HER CRUSH IS PRESENT

WAITER OR WAITRESS COMPLIMENTS GIRL ON HER TASTE IN CREDIT CARDS AND JUST HOW PRETTY SHE IS IN GENERAL

GIRL STARTS TO DESCRIBE HOW AMAZING HER CREDIT CARD IS TO WAITRESS AND THEN STOPS BECAUSE SHE IS AWARE THAT SOMEONE IS WATCHING HER

GIRL BLUSHES AND NOTICES CRUSH

CRUSH STARES AT HER IN WONDER

GIRL PAYS FOR SOMETHING AND SMILES AT HER CRUSH AND THEN HE SAYS "HI"

SHE SMILES AND SAYS "HI"

GIRL BLUSHES AGAIN AND AFTER PAYING SAYS GOODBYE TO THE WAITRESS AND SAYS, "YOU SHOULD REALLY GET THAT CARD, YOU CAN GET PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING".


END

please send any "fair compensation" to my home address please.

what i would PREFER is to make some actual contacts

PEOPLE who i would know

an agent or a manager

i would like to be, EXCUSE MY TYPO, "A PART" - apart of the filming process

possibly post production

any part of the production.

i don't care if i have to get people coffee.

i think that i could BE A CASTING director

i can be trained as an editor

a photographer

or really just anything

and i really think this is shitty.

i don't want to be famous.

i have famous ideas.

i need minimal compensation to live off of.

i think that 53 million dollars is ridiculous.

i don't need a private jet or a private island

i want to help people and i'm not talking about like the stuff that kanye is talking about no offense kanye

i'm going to make another post

i respect that

yeah so i was watching the talk show...
i watched the clip several times.

and i don't wish to retract my entire statement.

but i think maybe what i said was a little harsh.

so I apologize, jennifer.

i thank you for what you said..

thank you for admitting that you are not perfect.

which is basically like an apology

and i think that your example

(so many people look up to you)

including myself.

will take this,  so many views of that clip

and just start to realize,
 fame, money, power, awards, it's not everything..

you have a job to do, you look amazing while you are doing it, I really commend you on that..

and you are really one of the good ones, and i think we just agreed.

neither of us are perfect.

and i also think that we agree to agree that there are "different levels of people"

but that in itself doesn't mean that, SOME PEOPLE DESERVE BETTER THAN OTHER PEOPLE.

it just means some people have different skillets.

I think that funniest example i can really give to illustrate this is "Taken"

i know it's a thriller but if you just watch that clip where liam is like "i have a skill set, i can get my daughter...." or something while someone like you, or emma, or even amy, or someone very idk believable just down to earth goes on tv and is like trying to come across as like, well the reason that i'm in hollywood and "YOU" - meaning like either "ME, christa sloan" or like YOU- everyone that's not currently famous but has been trying for years... or something

or anything like that. (please don't say my name though) please..

it's like some people are just really talented and lucky and in the right place at the right time and they work hard, and like you did say you are a show pony and you never stop.

someone like me - yes i admit i am pretty generally above average (i'm not um, i guess what i would say oscar worthy... in my own opinion) but i can say i play piano better than the majority of the 8 billion people on earth.


i probably lip synch better than the majority of the 8 billion people on earth

i probably sing better than the majority of the 8 billion people on earth (i'm definitely  not tone deaf but like without doctoring me like me at the grammy's would be HORRIBLE haha)

i probably am better at just being creative in general than the majority of the 8 billion people on earth

BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT,

i am lazier than the majority of the 8 billion people on earth...

i am crazier than the majority of the 8 billion people on earth....

i am more ill than the majority of the 8 billion people on earth.....

i have lived more places for someone of my age than the majority of the 8 billion people on earth (meaning that i uh, can't really stay focused and committed)

so....

also

I am probably in one of the lowest percentiles for math in the 8 billion people on earth.

taking all of that into account.

including my parentage, adoption, schooling, GPA, college, connections, and the fact that i'm living on social security at age 25, i probably should NOT be famous....


there are MANY talented ballerinas, and ACTRESSES, and PIANISTS, and SINGERS, and just like SHOW PONY people who have worked and you know i'm not saying i didn't spend the majority of my life practicing these things.

I DID

in school i spent the majority of my time learning music, theatre, and writing/speech/reading/langauge arts.

SO MANY OTHERS HAVE.

i've been thinking about the past.

it affects the future.

if i became successful in any way and I wanted to pay tribute to any one human being

that wasn't already successful in this way.

it would be the person who almost made me want to commit suicide.

He made me so much stronger.

and i still love him.

today..

and I feel that currently he is weaker because of me, and I want to help him realize that he is so special and unique and important and just like incredible and like he has a story to tell as well, and I just really want
if i were to ever direct a story about my life, I  would want him to be a part of it, and it would be a positive thing for him.

like yeah, i do feel a bit like kanye right now.

but i'm not asking for money or support really.

i guess i am asking for support.

but i really just want to be given the minimum necessary to survive.

i don't want to go on crazy vacations and do all of this like exponential research and 3d and IMAX or groundbreaking stuff.

i want a true grit film, that is honest and surreal, and just as basic as possible if i was going to do it.

i want to be a huge part of it, and i don't want it to be an "expose"

i thank god, for everything that i have been given, the chance to meet amazing people - people who have screwed me over and showed me that life is worth living even when the people you love the most treat you like shit and tell you they don't love you and that you are worth nil, and they don't want you in their life, and you should go and jump off a bridge.

you have to strive for life. and strive for improvement, and encourage yourself every single day.

i can tell you.

the people that tell you that you are worth nothing to them,

they are liars, and they are wrong.

everyone, is worth something to you.

everyone.

the person who taught me the lesson i needed to learn in life the most, who would never think to himself that he did me a service at all, he would probably look back and be ashamed of his actions and think God, I was a terrible person, or like, I wish I could forget that.

He helped to form, a person - ME, a person who is not perfect, a person who has SO MANY FAULTS, a person who at times can be VERY DEMANDING and EGOTISTICAL, a person who at the time that  i had known him could not find a reason why he could not want to be with me, and sometimes i still have this very problem, (i sometimes think i'm the perfect person and i'm such an idiot) lol

in my head i don't usually fantasize about THEM being perfect and making my life better, or ME making them better,
 what i do, what i do, is i realize the great things about them, FACTS AND OPINIONS I HOLD about the two of us (in question) and I COMBINE THEM, I COMBINE them, to make scenarios that are quite ideal.

and usually no one can really deny this ha.

even them.

which is why they do. and they run, and they get VERY DEFENSIVE. which is why i believe my views are even more valid because I have the original feelings and scenarios which are evidence to base them off of.

every time something like this happens.

it happens in same way. (MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY)

girl moves to a city
girl meets boy
girl hangs out with boy as friends
girl makes suggestion that they might have feelings

boy gets confused

boy gets a fake girlfriend

girl cries

girl gets VERY ANGRY

GIRL DEMANDS THE TRUTH

boy says it "just happened"

girl cries

boy hugs girl

girl pushes boy away

girl pushes everyone away

boy dumps fake girlfriend

fake girlfriend starts rumors about boy and girl

boy starts BEING VERY MEAN TO GIRL

boy calls girl on the phone and apologizes

GIRL DOES NOT ACCEPT APOLOGY

GIRL TELLS BOY TO GO TO HELL

GIRL HANGS UP ON BOY

boy distances himself

girl spends many hours alone wondering what boy is doing

boy spends many hours having fun with guy friends

boy texts girl "r u ok?"

girl texts boy "what do u think?"

boy texts "idk"

girl says "me neither"

boy says "oh"

girl says "r u ok?"

boy says (being VERY SMART, TOUGH, MANLY, AND JUST VERY COOL ALL AROUND) "no"

girl says (being VERY AGREEABLE AND VERY NICE AND SWEET) "i'm sorry"

boy says (being VERY HOPEFULLY HONEST AND NOT A CHEATER) "me too"

i'm not really sure what happens after that because usually what happens to me is that the boy starts to get really freaked out after we cuddle and almost have sex. he's afraid of love you know..

i think most guys in their 20's are afraid of love.

i think most girls in their 20's are afraid of love,

you know i don't think it really matters what gender you are. i think most people in their 20's are afraid of love.

BUT THIS IS TOTALLY MY LIFE STORY AND INVOLVES ACTUAL PEOPLE THAT I KNOW AND I OWN THIS AND I DO NOT WANT ANY VERSION OF THIS STORY ON TELEVISION OR YOUTUBE OR FAN FICTION OR ANYTHING UNLESS I PUT IT THERE OR GIVE MY PERMISSION IN WRITING.

i'm a bit confused

i think i remember you

oh you.....the omission from speech or writing of a word or words that are superfluous or able to be understood from contextual clues


i think i've understood a lot of "these things"

yeah i know.

i know you can get into any network, i know you can read anything i write, i know you feel like you basically own my shit.

that's fine i get that.

steal my stuff.

i can't steal yours.

i don't own you.

i don't have even i tiny sliver of control here.

i'm not fuckin calling sky dance.

i believe in fuckin ethics.

yeah.

i'm not reporting this shit.

you are cheating and i'm playing by the rules,
open ended, ask me a question and i'll fucking answer dipshit.

yeah, maybe i've changed my opinion about "true love"

maybe i don't know what it is anymore.

i guess i just have to fly to new york to see if i still feel it.

3-4 years is a long fucking time to go without feeling your vibe in person,

and carrying out "your deeds"

is getting fucking tiresome.

just know that while i may love you,

i DO have the power to fuckin disappear in the wind.

leave all this shit behind.

make new goals,

change my entire life's purpose, get a whole new personality,

change everything about myself,

including who i focus my attention on,

and what i find important in life,

who my loyalty lies with

and what i do with my time.


so if you find me important even just to "steal my fuckin shit"

i recommend you set things straight and stop acting like a fuckin chicken.

i didn't learn a single thing when you blocked me on twitter except YOU were the one who was lying, and YOU were the one taking things personally, and YOU couldn't handle my smart mouth.

and i'm NOT saying i wasn't taking things personally. I WAS MOST DEF taking things FUCKING PERSONALLY. probably too personally. but you blocking me on twitter, was just a fucking confirmation.

sure it burnt at the time, but i'm bright like a diamond, and i can't really get scratched.

so.

you can put me in the papers,

make me look like an idiot,

you can say that "you discovered me"

take all the credit for my choices

and you can basically OWN me,

but you don't and i THINK A LOT MORE PEOPLE KNOW THAT THAN YOU WOULD LIKE.

so.

that's why i'm in the shadows isn't it.

you don't want to look bad.

well, when i fuckin show up in your city,

tables will be turnt, and you won't have control, because i'm like cat woman, and you're like batman,

and when i fuckin disappear and reappear, you're going to be going,

"OH, That's what that feels like..."

for the first time in a long time.

and no. i'm not breaking into your house and stalking you and being a predator and all that crap

i'm not.

i'm not planning anything illegal here.

i just fuckin said i'm playing by the fuckin rules.

i'm not suing anyone, i'm not going to harass anyone, not you, not your boyfriend, not anyone.

so harass me, try your VERY hardest to push my buttons and I GUARANTEE, you will not be able to surprise me.

well, ok, i do give you a little bit of credit here, you have surprised me.

batman surprises cat woman all the time.

i think they surprise each other.

and fuckin bane like, cat woman is more scared of him than batman so

i mean i suppose i do have a weakness for incredibly dangerous strong evil people.

but you know the thing about cat woman that batman does not possess is she is less physically dangerous and more mentally dangerous to people.

including batman.

and i think she know that.
but she protects batman's good interests.

she always has.

she always will.

she's pretty loyal to batman even when she's stealing his mother's pearls.

she's got a reason for every thing she does and it's usually a mystery but, you know, there's a lot of fuckin forplay that really only batman and cat woman can explain... to each other.

and really, TECHNICALLY no one in the comics is supportive of batman's RELATIONSHIP to cat woman or cat woman's relationship to batman, including each other, and they are fuckin confused as shit, like they are business partners, and they steal shit from each other and like, idk...

it's pretty crazy.

they have to constantly accept each other and forgive each other for the sins done to each other for the cause of fighting for what they believe is right and they really don't agree on most subjects, yet...

they still love one another..
and you know.

batman has his flings.

cat woman has flings... selena kyle like i don't know what she does when she isn't being cat woman besides being the sexiest cat lady ever. she's a fucking crazy mother fucker.

she pretty much flirts with anything that moves.

batman/ bruce wayne like um.

he basically has to lie to everyone about everything.

and he has guilt trip complex that only alfred and cat woman understand.

soo


i mean this is like very accurate.

the only thing i will technically steal from you.

is, your heart.

and that is only if you will let me.

so this is what I'm planning on doing so i can pretty much just be honest and give you the 411 with out giving you TMI

1. i'm going to new york sometime near the end of february
2. i will be staying at the Jane Hotel
3. i will be attending your play at some point.

(you will have to do some detective work if you want to find out more details than i am currently giving you.. i'm sure you probably already know the exact trip agenda that i have planned)

4. i may or may not speak to you
5. RIGHT NOW I IMPLORE YOU, BEG YOU, TO PLEASE STOP USING MY LIFE AS A STORYLINE IN OTHER PEOPLE'S SHOWS. IT'S MY STORY, AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU CHANGE IT. I WANT TO HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE IT MY WAY, AND ACTUALLY I WOULD PREFER IF YOU JUST OFFERED ME A JOB OR AN INTERNSHIP THAT WAS BASED ON ROOM AND BOARD AT A LOCATION THAT WAS NEAR THE INTERNSHIP AND THEN IT WOULD NOT BE SUSPICIOUS AT ALL
6. i have no evidence that you are interested in me romantically and i do have evidence (photographic) (not taken by myself) that you lately are very much romantically interested in your current relationship and you want to continue that and i have NO INTENTION of interrupting that or trying to break that up or steal anything regarding that part of your life during this lovely time for you and i just want you to be happy, that is true. i have no evidence that you specifically would like me to even come to nyc at all, you have not invited me there, you have not called me, you have not emailed me, you have not sent me a letter, and you have not spoken to me directly since you have blocked me on twitter... that i am presently aware of.
7. i am an empath (i think) and i can feel i guess certain emotions coming from other people or animals, and i can feel colors, and i guess that technically means i can feel auras so i can most likely tell you what your aura is if i am in the same room with you. it's not perfect like i have been with people who can "supposedly" SEE auras, and this is definitely an area of soft science, but they agree with me that i am right. so i can't feel your aura in a picture, or i can't feel your aura far away, but sometimes, SOMETIMES, usually at night, because i just had felt so intimate with you during our first i guess like "introduction" i just get very aware of your existence in the world and i had not been thinking of you at all, and it's like i know that you are very very uncomfortable.  i get very worried.

and i'm scared for you. and i know that you probably hate this (maybe) but i start to pray. i start to pray not just for you but for all the people around you that i don't know who is there, i pray for you boyfriend, i pray for your brother, i pray for your family, i pray for your co workers, and i pray for your fans. i pray for myself. i just start praying for people that remind me of you. and it becomes this larger and larger circle of people that i'm praying for.

then i start praying for britney spears and leonardo, and i pray for oscar isaac, and i pray for jessica chastain, and i pray for hilary duff, and i pray for jennifer lawrence, and i pray for zoe and chris, simon, anton, karl and pray for people. i just pray. i pray i pray i pray. and then i just calm down. everything just comes to a calm. and things get better for a while.

beastie?

i know you're there

i know you think i'm a toy

i know you think this is some page out of the labyrinth

i watched for the first time ever because i'm pretty sure it was made before i was born

it was kind of scarily similar to my life as are a lot of things

but if you were the goblin king,

and you did steal something from me

i wouldn't make you disappear

i'd acknowledge that you gave me something

"these so called friends" that will always be there

friends that i never had before, and

no, i won't worship you

i won't kneel before you and do everything you say

but i do want you to be mine.

i figure it's a sort of compromise

i make it through the labyrinth

you still get my love

i mean i think that's what you want right

i mean it may not be clear to anyone else

but it's clear to me that you are obsessed

and i'm obsessed

and i don't ever really want that to go away.


and i'd be lying if i said you had no power over me.

i mean that's just a line from the movie.


and  he didn't really exist

it was all in her mind..

now i'm not exactly sure that this is real

but i think it is

and life is not fair

that's acknowledged

but i'm the kind of person who tries very hard to give unconditional love despite my mental problems

though sometimes I'm very evil

so

i think it was kind of selfish of her to make him disappear

she should have just tried to control herself and figured out some sort of arrangement.


they were def both crazy..

there's no denying that.

Just look the other way BECAUSE

apparently

MY BIG HUMONGOUS BUTTOCKS

clogs toilets wherever I GO!

"according to my father if i spread my cheeks I will have less of a chance of clogging said toilets"

MY BUTT IS A DISGRACE!


AHOI:DFN:BEA

WAHHH

some people think it's a gift,

but they are just  WRONG.


HELLO: Dark FETISH NETWORK: SHIT?

ok, well, no i'm not into that.

it's not a fetish of mine.

and that's not what i was trying to imply.

that would be a very difficult thing for me to overcome.

i think that's fucking GROSS.

i don't know

if you have access to this

but i have once again  "borrowed" some very artistic beautiful work

that has been blocked by youtube after i have edited it.

if you can, you can ask youtube if you can watch it since it is you that is in the movie.

if you even want to see it.

or i can send it to you via something which  i also assume would be illegal anyways.

i'm not going to upload the video online again but youtube probably has a copy. it's called do you remember?

so i do hope you enjoy it since i went to the trouble of making it and now it is completely history.

poetry? nah.

z

the last letter

zzzzzz.....
sleep

zachary

dormancy

that's where you are

i've been waiting for you a long time

i think you think about me subconsciously

maybe during REM's

our little ellipsis

hasn't really been moving along.

and neither have i.

i've been waiting.

yes i'm moving.

but that doesn't mean I'm not going to keep waiting.

i'm the queen of dormancy.

loyalty.

i'm stronger than you might think.

if success is what you seek,

go for it baby..

get as much as you need, lap it up,

get all of those claps and awards

and recognition.

and i will be watching and waiting..

technically stalking and debating

repeating the meeting over and over

in my mind

what is love

how do you make love stay

are you in love?

do you want it to be this way because i will be frozen in this moment and i will never leave?

if that's the case, you are sorely mistaken,

there is nothing you could do to me that i could not forgive.

you can cheat, you can lie, you can steal, you can expose,

and i will forgive you

the questionable forte over and over zachissimo

ellipses .....

i know you are real

i know that you have gas occasionally

i know that you have all sorts of medical problems

you pick up dog shit

sometimes you have a bad hair day

though I do love your hair

sometimes you probably smell terrible

sometimes you are distant

sometimes you get angry

you are angry with me

you will want me to leave and i will cry

sometimes you have to carry all sorts of crazy things in your pockets

you've fucked a man where he's pooped before.

i've acknowledged it.

i'm fine with it.

we all do these things..
i haven't done that specific thing. per say.

but i have done gross things.

things i probably wouldn't care to share with you but

lately i have been a bit gassy

my toilet is clogged

i'm on my period

i have acne all over my face and i haven't changed since yesterday

i honestly don't remember when the last time i brushed my teeth was and it feels SO GROSS

but i'm really lazy

honestly if you were here i'd tend to it about once every 30 minutes

my hygiene problem would magically fix itself

but the whole period thing, gassiness and clogged toilet. that's completely out of my control

i have food from yesterday maybe a couple days ago in my bed

empty soda cans

it's a huge mess

it's really disgusting i'm a lazy pig

i've eaten raw bacon and raw biscuits out of the can.

by now you are probably really grossed out

i'm really just being honest here there's probably not anything you could do that would scare me.

except for leaving me.

i don't care if i have to go to the arctic circle and cuddle naked with you in a dead bloody animal carcass.

like a fucking caveman and eat a fucking bloody raw like liver

it probably tastes SO GROSS

i am not going to eat a bug

ew

i'm really a lot more like a boy than you might expect me to be.

i don't clean my room

my mom hires a maid to help me

the upkeep of my body is just SO SHABBY

it's horrible

i'm shameless

you know everybody has dirty secrets

some girls are slutty hoe bags

and they like fuck guys with dirty socks

i had that phase it was SO GROSS

ew

i have a thing the feet have to either BE CLEAN

or BE COVERED

mm

and so yeah

like emmy RoSSUM did this episode of shameless where she was the other woman and she did it in the back of a mini van and there were cheerios everywhere EW

ok so i guess i'm shameless in a different way

i eat raw bacon

and biscuits and cookie dough as well

i eat like a really rare steak raw tuna like

i love like i guess raw food SOMETIMES

and i basically just like stay in bed ALL DAY

thinking about my imaginary life

when i really could clean my room

take a shower

and like

idk

go to starbucks and meet some like ON FLEEK nerd guy

that i don't give two shits about

and then end up fucking him in his room

except he's actually a pot dealer and OH

i already did that

so

here i am thinking only about whatever i want

basically in a coma

i'm like a vegetable basically

this like started out as a poem and it turned into a hilarious confession lol

oh yeah and like occasionally i get on a video game when i forgot who all my friends were because they have changed they gamertag like a million times

and I'm' like WHO ARE YOU AGIAN

and then i get in the zone and i'm cussing out like an 8 year old.

so

no

i'm not really expecting you to be perfect at all.

i pretty much know that you are going to fart probably a lot

every guy does and it's not flattering at all

and like i'm not gonna say that the whole half eyebrow thing turns me on
but i will say that i think i find it a bit more attractive than other people who are like

OMG thank god his eyebrows are back to normal

because i think i'm going to make fun of you and keep it real

IF i was there

and that's a HUGE if because i think you are "in love" with some model who is just lying his way through his entire relationship

and it's like totes obvious that this is just some huge game and it's fucking annoying as fuck

and believe it or not

i am telling the truth

at the beginning

i was under the impression that i had this unique experience with you and that you wouldn't want people to know about it

and i definitely didn't

so i didn't tell anyone

LIKE anyone

like i thought that like when stuff like that happened that like magazines were like informed

but it turns out that i was just really paranoid

and i still am

hahaha

but the rub is

that i think you may be as well

because i think we are like turning into each other

i'm becoming more nice

and you are becoming more witty

haha

and it's very funny

and the whole facial expressions thing like i'm going to have to really put many hours into studying that

like my pictures and when they were taken vs your older movies and like facial expressions and how they've changed since you have met me because we are looking more and more like each other

and i can attribute a little bit of that to miles because he really does look so much like me

but our faces are different.

and your face looks more like my face than his face

which says something about you

and how you spend your time off.

it would be really interesting if he was like "a beard" LOL

hahahah

that was a huge coincidence don't you think.

wow.

well
i'm done.

mm that's really interesting.

it's like you are purposely deleting things from my theatre or something.

i don't care if i'm making this all up in my head.

i really think that someone is against me and i don't know who.

the important fact of the matter is I'm trying to make some shitty art here.

all of a sudden i start name dropping and i get a whole bunch less views on my blog

i guess someone is like taking photos of it and like idk emailing it to people or something.

pdfs and shit.

idgaf.
it's on the internet so i guess it's meant to be fucking read.

i mean this really was intended only for like two people initially and then i guess like those two people's friends were interested in their lives so they were like, fuck i want to read about this crazy ass chick.

whatever.

it doesn't matter now because it's totally inconceivable that i,
 a very talented person who is completely lonely and bonkers

could ever be in the presence of "THE MAGNIFICENT Y'ALL" ever again.

i'm just "beneath you"

so i guess this quest i'm on really has no purpose

and neither does yours and philosophically i'm here again at the way that i believe that there is no point to life and i have absolutely nothing to live fore because life is just another test that i will foreseeably fail.

it doesn't matter how

witty

smart

funny

pretty

unique

talented

original

there will always be someone better i am not perfect

and i'm not going to claim that i am and be poser

and i think we've all listened to avril lavigne and we all were supposed to learn that lesson and maybe i'm the only one who got the point of the song

and that's very sad because initially her music was and sometimes continues to be very very great.

indeed.

so i am absolutely positive i will be rejected if i audition for some agent or talent place

and i'm not going to get a theatre role

i hate memorize monologues

and that's not my talent AT ALL

i'm more of a like, ok i might can do this today kind of person and i need someone very special to recognize that in me and it's not going to be some june parker from fifth street.

also there's the issue that my parents will no longer allow me to drive my own vehicle.

they think i'm going to drive all the way to new york.

well that would be impossible because i don't have my credit card either,

i'm literally STUCK HERE IN THE MUD

and i need a knight in shining armor to rescue me

i am a damsel in distress

and chivalry is not dead

i know it's not

and people are being pussies.

mema

i'm so lucky to have a grandmother like mine

and a lot of people, if they were in my position,

they wouldn't understand.

and it wasn't until recently that i did.

my whole life my grandmother was obsessed with gardening and porcelain dolls, and painting.

she didn't talk much of her dead husband.

but my MEMA she's a survivor.

she lived through 12 years of colon cancer, she got bit by a snake, she shot herself in the leg on accident, and she worked on a cattle farm, she decorated cakes, she made porcelain dolls in hot kilns, she was an oil painter.

she was a very talented artist.

she put 3 kids through school two of which weren't her own,
and my grandmother stopped school in 8th grade.

but she was smart.

not in a book smart kind of way, but in this witty, snappy old people kind of way that's hard to find now a days.

she has no idea there is such a thing as the titanic movie, she doesn't know what star wars is, and she probably doesn't even know who the current president is.

she has dementia, but that's not the reason she doesn't know that stuff.

she just never even cared about any of that.

she always just was gardening and reading farmer's almanacs, and raising cattle, and she was VERY self conscious and all the attention had to be on her.

she was very nasty at times.

one time i was very angry with her and i cussed her out and she called me a goat.

i laugh about it now but boy no one has ever called me a goat.

now she can't eat by herself and she's not the strong free thinking woman she once was.

she's a shadow of a person.

i'm one of the few people she recognizes, and sometimes she even forgets who my dad is.

it's weird who you remember.

i think she remembers who i am because i never really gave her my attention.

i was always interested in video games, my computer, my cell phone, boys, any number of things, and i just always was interested in her from the back ground.

she smothered me with attention and not in a good way.

i feel bad about sometimes she guilt tripped me into caring, i guess that's where i got that skill from. ha, we are both very good at manipulating people to do what we want.

we have a lot in common even though we aren't related.

she has schitzofrenia too (undiagnosed)

she HATES music and animals

so no not that

she just loved to be outside

she killed snakes and raccoons and puppies and all sorts of animals.

i could never do that.

but we both insult people by accident.

and we both become obsessed with things.

and we both are very stubborn.

and we both have difficulty processing change.

and i'm going to have a difficult time processing her death.

i haven't decided whether i'm going to the funeral or not.

i know there are things i would like to say, things that need to be said.

things only i can say.

but if my whole family comes down again, i just don't know if i can do that.

they will have to transport her body across the state.

that will be really emotional for me.

i'm just glad she's dying at the right time.

she's going to decide when it's time.

it is a truth universally acknowledged that

everybody loves a good laugh


BUT USUALLY

it's at someone's expense.

there was a quote by some philosopher somewhere

i don't know who

that said, it's really not good to analyze jokes,

because they become UNFUNNY.

well, i guess that's why my brand of humor is just so... DARK.

i hyper analyze everything.


and you see

that video i've made years ago...

if we are going to continue to assume that famous people around the globe are reading my blog

and viewing my "private" thoughts.

well i'm supposedly,,
the next honey boo boo.

BUT YOU SEE.

honey boo boo wasn't ever funny to me.

and neither was britney spears or anyone else in that category,

and anyone who thought it was - IS TWISTED, SICK, DEMENTED, and CRUEL.

so, with my brand of battle called STICK SOME TRUTH UP YOUR BUTT,

i will win.

because the truth will come out.

and there may be all sorts of delays..

but the truth sets you free.

and even if i look bad.

even if it's for a while..

i had good intentions the entire time.

SO, you can,

1. put a fatty acne photo of me on a tabloid saying EW SHE's fugly.

or you can find my drunk youtube video and release it saying that i'm a sexual predator.

or you can claim all sorts of opinionated bullshit about me

and the whole time i will laugh.

i will laugh i will cry and i will just know all the wiser that i was right the whole time.


because fame doesn't matter to me.

now, knowing that i was right does.

knowing that someone that i cared about A LOT, cared about me too, legit.

that matters.

and that's my agenda here.

so, this whole, let's impersonate christa and make her look retared scenario, it's not going to work.

it's just going to backfire, and you will have to apologize if i ever do come into the spotlight and claim these things, and

i will not be proud.

i will not say i told you so.

i will not fan my feathers.

i will forgive you.

i will cry.

and i will attempt to be friendly towards you and show you the love that EVERYONE deserves no matter how nasty they have been.

because i'm nasty as well.

i've made cruel jokes

i've done horrible things.

i'm admitting

i'm coming clean.

i'm apologizing.

i am sorry.

i learned something from it.

i am trying to change.

i don't want to be two faced.

i want to be real.

my grandmother is dying.

i've never lost someone before.

i had to feed her.

she has dementia.

she's declining.

she was mean to me my whole life.

and now she''s nice and it's really sad.

i'm a person.

she's a person.

you are a person.

we are people.

none of us are better than the other.

let's all be people together.

and let's not lie about it.

let's not lie about being people.

let's realize what being a person means, and stand up for that.

what do you think it means to be a person?

i don't have to go on stage and win an award to realize that i have done many honorable things.

and changed people's lives.

every day the world changes.

every day.

you change the world every day positive or negative you do.

i hope that you try to make  a positive change.

if you think i'm an anarchist. I AM NOT

i'm a fucking truth roller.

i'm ballin truth up your face

and that's how i roll

and you can't stop me.

i'm fine with it and you are the ones i feel sorry for.

you live a lie
and you are too pretentious to admit

to yourself

to anyone else.

AT LEAST britney can be honest..

even demi is pretty honest most of the time.. i'm pretty sure.

look britney has NEVER claimed not to use autotune

BRITNEY has never like, faked her dancing she's a FUCKING good dancer

she's an entertainer that's what she is

and she has many good qualities besides that

her music tells it all

oops she did it again, she played with Justin's heart

she lost control

she's sorry

she can't help it

she was honest

she's a cheater.

but she's changed since then

she's a mother now

and her instagram is blowing up and she's doing yoga and like reading quotes and doing art.

that's for real.

some people aren't good at relationships

i suppose britney and i have that in common.

but you know what britney may have made some mistakes as a young mother, but it's very plain to see that she really cares about her children.

no one is perfect and britney came clean that she wasn't a long time ago and so have i.

no...

you won't win.

you won't brain wash me.

my own mind belongs to me..
and is more important than winning your FAKE love.

you damn twit cunt

i understand a lot of you guys might be pissed

at my video which is like idk 5 years old or something?

yeah i said leo was barely in the spotlight...

ok, at the time, that was true..

who gives a shit...

i was still in love with him..

i've always been in love with him..

since growing pains.

britney's cd had just come out, and i was really happy that she had escaped the x factor because i thought she was a pretty amazing host and i thought the talk about her and demi was pretty crappy.

sure there's tons of gossip in hollywood.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

is why you are so utterly focused on my opinion that i had 5 fucking years ago.

is this some revenge plot?

people change their opinions all the time.

i'm open to change.

i change my mind every like, idk 5 minutes.

if you want to know what i'm thinking, instead of playing mind games with me,

WHY DON't You give a fuck and ask me god damn it.

i'm really pissed at jessica right now for example that she's starring in a movie about gun control  and it's called Miss Sloane.

Miss Sloane?

did she have to search the world to find the one woman who had my sister's almost exact name and like the opposite views of mine?

wow what a coincidence.

"just for the record my sister loves hunting and fishing on our private property"

my sister names my nephew after my first RL love and marries a guy after my first hollywood crush (love) that I meet in person.

I'm forever reminded and tortured by these names I can't escape.

Ryan, my nephew is always called Ryan the Lion, another metaphor I can't let alone.

How horrible is this woe is me.

I'm watching my video considering that The Great Gatsby might have been thought about because of my call to action.
well FUCK ME.

"i would like to rescind that comment"

It would be nice to have a voice it really would.

If only people would agree with me.



I must be a huge monstrosity of a joke.

how funny is it that a mentally ill girl goes to the mental hospital because we laugh at her expense and torture her emotionally this way

and we claim that she won't leave us alone but actually it's the complete opposite.

ha

wow

imagine me in your world.

how little am i.

i'm just a lego brick you stepped on.

confirming roles

yes,

IF

IF

IF

i were selected to be in a movie

i'm not getting a random agent somewhere

i'm not doing all this gobbledegook jumping through hoops and rejections and blah blah blah

I've been basically showing my talents to the world for the past 25 years. (my whole life)

on the net,

so basically you have evidence of some of my talents.

no i can't do everything.

i know that people are watching me.

i don't know who they are.

i don't presume to be a "Star"

but i do think i'm something more than average.

so let's say that i was going to be in a movie.

yes, i would be interested in being Cortana.

Yes, i would be interested in being American McGee's Alice.

and I would also be interested in sharing my life story in some part.

i'm not a person, who can claim to get up for makeup at 3:30 every morning.

so maybe that disqualifies me.

i would need major help

i'm on medication that helps me sleep, which means that basically i'm on like a clock.

a sleeping clock.

i'm emotional, you probably already knew that.

working with a mentally ill person, and I MEAN mentally ill.

someone who has lived a mentally ill life, well

i mean that's the reason i haven't really

pursued anything.

i've basically been disqualified from every activity i've tried to pursue.

so i sit here.

and i decide what i can do

each day.

and yeah, i do push myself.

it might not seem like it

but at the end of the day, i am exhausted.

so i can't imagine what it would be like to physically push myself in addition

to emotionally and mentally.

i might really break.

but there's a cool thing i can tell you.

i have land.

technically it's not mine yet.

but it's my families land,

and i have a house on this land.

and technically i can live on the land,

while, trailers would be put on the land, and possibly a like idk

building for whatever has to be done,

a studio or idk

set or some crap

and at the beginning of every morning i can wake up in my own bed

in my house which would be

on that land.

i mean it's just a thought.

if people want to make me in a movie.

my land is in the middle of nowhere.

and well, i can just idk

i'm trying to wrap my head around this idea.

i had this idea before

i just.

i didn't think i knew anyone who would want to use the land for that sort of purpose.

but now, i can write on this blog.

and i can see if anyone responds.

maybe no one will respond..
if you do respond.

please don't call my cell,

i hate that.

also i've always kind of been interested in directing.

but i have no idea how to do any of this,

but i'm a quick learner.

but i'm really bad with social skills.

so that's the bad part.

also i'm really rude.

also p.s. i didn't see any sexy ass female vulcans in the stb trailer so i'm going to assume that the role for a t'pring is still open. so i'm open to that too though there might be some tension off AND on screen just a friendly warning.



ALSO

I THINK IT NEEDS TO BE MADE PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT I WILL KNOW THAT IF THESE ROLES JUST BECOME "UNAVAILABLE" i will know why. it's personal.

be my valentine

i don't care if i have to share you

i'm so over jealousy at this point.

over a billion people are in love with you.

you have to share me too you know.

you aren't the only one I'm in love with.

and you know, maybe no one loves me back.

maybe i'll just get ignored or stabbed.

but the fact of the matter is.

i simply cannot get you out of my head.

and no, i won't travel 2000 miles to get one glance

and let you walk away yet again.

that just won't happen.

here's what i know

even if I'm 100% wrong.

my fantasies are 100% more interesting than your life.

do your remember?

our little ellipsis?

.........


do you wake up in the middle of the night and wish someone different was sleeping beside you?

i feel like that on a few occasions.

i had some "innocent" flings.

and i tried so hard to grow close to old flames.

and i SO wasn't in love.

*whispers*

i wished he was you.

*tear*

where are you right now?

why don't you love me?

i know you are lying.

lying to almost everyone.

i know the truth.

i know you  can't fake it to me.

i don't want to be alone.

i wish i could touch your face, and feel the skinny of your hips.

i wish i could touch your chest and hear your breathing.

but for some reason i can't.

i guess you hate me.

xo

but i still love you even still.

please change your mind.

OMG i'm so amazing i'm jenny

remember i'm still jenny from the block

k.

so, here's why christa sloan is not a sexual predator...

um, idk, maybe she didn't make a fake twitter to stalk zachary on?

um, idk maybe people come to my blog to read all of my shit??

which would in fact make ---- YOU the predator... and you are pretending to be me while being yourself on LIVE television,

and you can be all, OH NO HONEY, that's a true story, it was just a joke...

and i'm gonna say, well jenny, no. no it's not.

you're not fucking friends with amy, and you are just basking in her glory that i don't even know how that got handed to her because "she's a train wreck"

and obviously i'm not the one sleeping around with all these guys

COMPETING WITH TAYLOR.

i'm here, pretty much just watching videos in my house, trying not to bother anyone,

and if someone finds my life hilarious and wants to make fun of me,

I'm gonna say maybe they are a little jealous.
maybe i'm getting a little more attention than either of us bargained for

so go ahead jenny.

make fun of me and make a fool of yourself hanging out with amy who is not an oscar winner,

and she's passing trend and WILL in fact hold a grudge against you for leaving her in the dust for your new friends next year..

sweetie. i really hope you know what you're doing because emma worships the ground you walk on and you treat her like SHIT.

i think SHE is your real friend and I think she is of HIGH caliber and she's not a passing face, and you just want to hang out with people who you think are beneath you because you have a low self esteem i see it all the time.

I'm sorry if you are jealous of my love for zachary and leo and you don't understand it, but it's really just none of your business so move your tiny ass along.